I Made Peace with My Mental Health
If you don’t want to lose control of your life, you should to
Two years ago, I was knocked out with a health problem — Tinnitus.
Tinnitus is the sensation of hearing noises in your ear or head when there is no external cause. British Tinnitus Association
The first months, it didn’t have a big impact on my life, as the sound in my brain was only noticeable at night when everything was quiet. However, it didn’t take long until it became unbearable to live with. Imagine having a deafening high pitch ringing in your brain, 24–7.
I went off sick from work. That, of course, threw my anxiety to the roof, which made Tinnitus even worse. I was in a spiral and I couldn’t get out of.
Throughout my life I‘ve come across challenges; I’ve had money problems, I’ve lived illness, grief, unemployment, loss,... But, like the fighter that I am, I’ve overcome each difficulty.
But tinnitus had come to win: as much as I was trying to find a way to live with it, I had no results. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t go out (in-house is the only place I could control noise), I was depressed, helpless and without hope.
I didn’t recognize myself and, for the first time in my life, I didn’t know how to come back.
Then I did something, that proved to be one of the best decisions of my life: I rescued a dog.
Jack changed my life, he helped me to cope with tinnitus and to find the way back to myself. He made me go out and face the world, go for walks in nature (always therapeutic), he made me focus my attention on him instead of the maddening ringing, he snuggled me in my despair moments. He made me smile. My dog saved my life.
But tinnitus isn’t a disease, it is a symptom; meaning I have nothing to cure, but something to manage.
Tinnitus is part of me for more than two years. I’ve learned to live with it, instead of for it. I always have white noise playing, I have protective earplugs for noisy environments; in my house, there’s always sound on — silence is my worst enemy (and the thing I crave the most).
These strategies work, but they have their limitations: when negative emotions assault me (stress, sadness, or anxiety), tinnitus makes a rave in my brain. I never have only one problem: I have the problem + tinnitus.
A couple of weeks ago I made some changes in my life, one of them, a new job: I went back to a management position — the kind of work I had before and had to give up due to tinnitus. But now, that I had it under control (so I thought), I’ve decided to give it a chance.
It didn’t go well, and here I am, in crisis with tinnitus, off sick from work again.
I’ve been in a terrible depressive mood. Tinnitus won again: I have to change jobs, I have to pick one, not by my choice but tinnitus choice. Besides the stress that comes with management jobs, working in an office includes phones ringing, and talking on it several hours a day — things impossible to be around when you suffer from tinnitus.
I knew the risks I was taking, but I had to try. I can’t stand still in my life, hostage of illness. I have to keep trying to live the best life I can, high pitched ringing included. However, I was wrong about this job, I was wrong about the power Tinnitus has on my life.
Yesterday was a very bad day, I allowed my fears and anger to take the best of me. I spent the last three days feeling sorry for myself and yesterday I barely moved from the sofa. But that’s enough. I needed it, sometimes the best self-care you can provide is to do nothing, is to feel what you have in you and give yourself time to reboot.
Today, I’ve accepted defeat. I have job limitations due to tinnitus (and chronic pain, but that’s another fight), it doesn’t mean it’s the end of the line. It means it’s time to start over. In a different path.
But, first, I have to stop feeding my anxiety and calm down tinnitus. Today I’ll be gentle with myself, I’ll feed properly, have a nice bubble bath, read a nice book, crochet my new poncho and if I’m able, write a bit more.
The only thing on my reach is to get better. After that, I’ll go back to work — I will find a new one soon. For a starter, one that pays the bills, then, with time, I can look for one that gives me professional joy as well. I might even take a course or graduation and start over. It’s up to me what to do next.
Tinnitus is a nightmare to my mental health, it threatens my emotional stability, steals my dreams and corrupts my life plans.
But I won’t give up and I’m sure won’t stop fighting back. I will create a new path in my life.
I might not have full control over my mental health, but I do have control over how I react to adversities.