From A Womaniser To A Horrible Dad, That Was Her Feelings.
What are yours?
Introduction
You may have read a recent article called “I Am A Womaniser — Meet Moist” It was a true story of how my first son was born and the complications surrounding it, which is an interesting story from many points of view.
Today I will follow up on that story, giving you inside information on my struggles as a dad for the first time, which is very different from how I am today with my two girls.
The First Few Years
It would be fair to say the first few years of my son’s life had structure; I lived around an hour’s drive from his mother, having now been made redundant from my training job and working as a team leader in a call centre near my home town.
She had moved to a two-bedroom house, and myself likewise; the significant difference between us is that she had settled down with another guy (thankfully leaving me alone), and I had not learned my lesson and was back on the prowl for more “fresh meat”.
However, I took my responsibility as a parent seriously; I picked up my son after work on a Friday night and dropped him back home at 6 pm on Sunday. In addition, I protected him by not introducing girls to my son, as I felt that would be wrong.
I would never “date” when I had my son, which was a bit frustrating at the time, as I “missed opportunities” being the “dirty dog” that I was, so I tried to make it up during my working week.
My Promise To Him
Even though he would not remember or even understand, I still frequently told my son that I loved him, how I would never see him struggle due to money and that I would always be in his life regardless of how he felt about me.
“My son, I have put you in this situation, you did not ask to come into the world, I promise that I will always be here for you, and I love you with all my heart”
I was fortunate to take him on holiday once a year, and he would spend extra days with me during the school holidays; his mother was good about it, so I have nothing bad to say about her.
My Son Was An Issue To My Girlfriend
Moving on, some years my son would have been around five or six, I met this cute girl, and she asked to move in with me; I had a dilemma; I have a son who, although she knows about him, he knows nothing of her.
I was unsure if I wanted to settle down, but I thought it was an excellent way to get in with this chick I had slept with every so often, I could have done worse, so I agreed.
I spoke to my son about it and his mother; even though I did not want her to know my business, I felt that she had the right to know; she had married the man she met after me, so my son had a stepfather now as well.
My son’s mother hit the roof, telling me I was not allowed to introduce my son to a woman I had just met; I told her we had been dating on and off for three months, and she laughed, “you call that a relationship?”
I left and spoke to my girlfriend; she agreed and said that I would have to work something out with my son on weekends, “maybe take him to a park, don’t bring him home.”
I Retaliated
“Forget it, my son comes first; how dare you tell me to take him away from his home to suit your needs,” needless to say, she did not want a “sprog” hanging around with us, so that was an easy decision for me to make, goodbye girlfriend.
Two days later, his mother told me she was getting a divorce, and there was someone else involved; she also slipped up that our son had seen “her new boyfriend” I let her know my feelings on this after what she had (rightly) told me it was not acceptable to introduce our son to “Tom, Dick & Harry”.
The Future
His mother married three times with six children; by the time my son was ten, she had moved house fourteen times and was, in my opinion, but not proven, cheating the system for benefits.
I remember going to pick him up from the nursery and them asking if I was “paying the bill today” it was the first I had heard of it, and I wondered how much was owed.
They told me nearly $1,000, I called his mother, and she refused to take my call, in my opinion knowing the reason for it, I settled up and spoke to her; she denied knowing anything about it and said she was moving again so he would not be going back.
She had no intention of paying, which made me feel sick, and I started to wonder what type of influence she would have on him. I wanted my son to be a decent and honest person.
My Son
I love my son with all of my heart; it broke me when his mother asked him to leave when he was sixteen; she needed his bedroom for another man’s child who was moving into her house.
He turned up on my doorstep with two black bags full of clothes; I was livid but decided not to react that night; I did not trust myself and what I would have said or done.
I threw my arms around him and called my wife (yes, my only wife), who brought his things in; I sent him up for a bath and gave him something warm to put on, although as it was my things, they were a little big for him.
I am so lucky my wife gets on very well with my son and always has since the first day she met him; we did not talk negatively about his mother, just made him welcome and told him this was his home and that we would never ask him to leave.
We Moved
I never spoke to his mother about the situation, I decided that she would not have listened anyway, and if she had “thrown him out” (my son’s words, not mine), then she was unlikely to listen to me anyway.
My wife and I had been thinking of having children, so because our son was with us also, we decided to move to a bigger house to accommodate everyone; please note this was only my second move in 23 years, so my son had stability with us, and we were moving to accommodate him, as any parent should.
We gave him a big bedroom and let him choose everything for that room, carpets, blinds, paint, bed, computer desk etc. He was home now, and we wanted to ensure he knew he was wanted and loved.
What He Told Me Was a Shock
One day my son came home, beaming an infectious smile; he asked us all to go and sit down; he had some news to tell us; I thought he was going to say he had a girlfriend or that he had found a job, I was surprised by what he told us.
“I’ve changed my name,” the room was silent, and then I got a nudge from the wi “e, “oh great, what “of?” I asked with fear; my son had changed his last name (surname) to mine, “Ralph.”
I was so happy but shocked at the same time; I asked why he had done this, and he told me that all of his life, his mother had bad-mouthed me behind my back and that I had never spoken badly of her; that was a sign of respect.
He went on to say that although his dad was not perfect, he would feel very proud if he could be half the man I was. I started choking up with tears; I do not think I have ever felt more proud of him.
“What did your mother say?” his reply was brutal, “I’ve not told her; she means nothing to me.” So now, despite my feelings, I had to defend her.
Son, your mother, has brought you up; she has had a difficult life and has done her best regardless of the circumstances; I brought you up to respect people, and your mother is not going to be happy with this announcement.
I Was The Bad Guy
I listened to his opinion and said I wanted him to call her now, speak to his mother, let her know, and give her that respect. So, although he did not want to, he called his mother.
I asked him what she had said when he returned to the room, and before he could answer, she was calling me. I got an absolute mouthful from her about making him change his name, how I was a bad influence on him and that I did not deserve to have children.
I said nothing and let her talk; once she had finished, I thanked her for what she had said and put the phone down, I did not feel the need to justify myself, and I was not going to throw my son “under the bus” so just took the abuse.
I did write an article called “A knife at his chest”, which was about my son, a real-life and troubling situation to be in, defiantly worth the read if you enjoyed this story.
My Take-Away
Love your children, defend them, let them know when they are wrong, and bring them up to respect others and their opinions. What would you have done differently in my situation?
I look back now, and there are things I could have done to make it easier, but hindsight is wonderful; I hope you connected with this story, and thank you for reading it.
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