A Knife At His Chest
What was my son thinking?
Imagine the thought of your son wanting to end his own life.
It was a winters night and we had finished dinner, my son as always cleared the table and filled the dishwasher, I run the girls bath and my wife got things ready for a busy day tomorrow.
It was a normal Sunday evening for us, we enjoyed our evening meal and the conversation was flowing as always.
My son said he would be going to get some fresh air once he had finished, this again was not unusual, he mentioned he may be out for a while and not to worry.
Asking him was he ok, he replied “Yes, of course,” he said that he had a lot on his mind with college and work so just needed to clear his head for a bit and he often went for a walk in the woods to do this, apart from it being dark due to it being winter I had no real issue.
We live in a fairly respectable area and the woods are adjacent to our house so he would not be too far away. I also had the knowledge that most of his friends hung out there at night some guessed he would be with them, and he took his phone out with him when he left home.
He had recently moved in with me, after living with his mother for sixteen years. He had a very different upbringing and moved around a lot, but that is a story for another time.
After an hour I decided to text him and had a quick response to say he would be around another hour, but he was safe, he said not to wait up for him, as he had his key and knew I wanted an early night. I felt reassured by this, however, set my alarm for an hours time, I really wanted to make sure he was in before I went to sleep.
I did fall asleep, I woke up in a bit of a panic, I had slept through the alarm I had set, my wife and both girls were also sleeping. I checked his room, he was not there. I decided to ring him and he did not answer, so text to ask where he was.
With no response, I got changed and was putting on my shoes when I got a reply. “Sorry dad, I’m on my phone talking, but I’m outside the house”. I looked out and saw him, he waved to say he was ok, what a relief!
I went to bed, however, stayed awake until I heard my son come in and lock the front door, up the stairs and into his bedroom, my only thought at this point was, he had not brushed his teeth, no doubt a typical parent thing to think.
I must have fallen asleep shortly after, my mind would not settle and I began to dream, it was not nice and I woke in a panic, my thoughts turned to my son for some reason, even though my dream was about something else.
I walked into his bedroom, he was gone, I went to go downstairs and realised he was in the bathroom, relieved, but curious, out of character I just walked in unannounced.
There he was sat on the floor up against the toilet with a knife in his hand, the point was digging into his chest, my instinct was to disarm him, which I did without a struggle from him.
I stood him up and put my arms around him, I felt so lucky my instincts told me that something was not right, I also am very thankful for the way it ended that night.
To give you a quick follow up it is now four years later, my son had professional help for just over a year and was diagnosed with depression and also has Aspergers, he is well and in a happy place.
He is my firstborn, I am very proud of him and he has the unconditional love any parent should give to their child.
Written by Robert Ralph
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