Friendship Comes and Goes

I stop running after my exes

“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself.”- Jim Morrison

My insecurity as well as my past anxiety had transformed me into a highly sensitive person. This character trait had influenced my relationships as well as my whole life for almost 5 years before I came to realize that I was the problem.

I was trying to please everyone ―especially my friends― against my own happiness. Because back then I thought that having long-term relationships was the best way for me to prove that I was interesting. That’s why I kept investing in friendships that weren’t working for me.

Some people abused my kindness and wanted me to compromise my own success for the sake of our friendships. However, life was really on my side, and opportunities kept coming up even when I was not looking for them.

Whenever I accomplished something in my life, some of my friends just disappeared. And by doing so, they tore my life apart because I used to feel guilty when someone stopped hanging out with me.

As a result, I couldn’t identify myself with my successes, and I felt unhappy and ashamed of my own accomplishments.

You are not alone

You have probably found a new job, moved to another country, or have significantly changed your lifestyle. And you have realized that something else has happened: you have also lost some of your best friends.

Then you start inferring that you have probably done something bad to them. However, as far as you are concerned, it’s not the case, there were no arguments between you and them. They have just forgotten you as if you were metamorphosed into a new person.

Since everything is new to you, it’s challenging for you to build up new relationships. Then you decide beforehand that your past relationships were the best for you. You are stuck in limbo, or in no place. Between past, present, and future, you don’t know what to choose.

If you are experiencing this or have experienced this once, here you’ll find some ideas on how to deal with past friendships:

1) It’s nothing personal

Don’t feel guilty for not being with your ex-friends. Losing friends and having new ones are natural processes of life.

Most people who hang out with us do it because we are compatible with them. That means when we change our lifestyle, there is a huge probability that many friends that we had also disappear.

As sad as we can feel, it’s a question of self-protection: people tend to avoid the unknown. When your ex-friends fade away, they are probably as confused as you are―maybe more. They hesitate over reaching out to you or not because they don’t know if it is appropriate to contact you.

2) It’s only transitional

It takes courage to reorient one’s life. When you decide to make such a decision, you need to foster your mental strength and level up your stamina so that you can face the losses of some friendships.

Some people will make you feel that you are unfaithful to your friends when you make the decision to transform your life. You might even convince yourself that your past life was better and regret the changes that you have made.

The first months might be the worst because at that moment you will also have to adapt yourself to your new lifestyle. Afterward you will find out that the transformation was good for you. Maybe you will be able to build up even better relationships than what you had before.

Bear in mind that you will become more mature. In some way, you will know more about relationships, you will prioritize quality over quantity and reach out to people that can evolve the same way as you.

3) You don't have friends, enjoy loneliness

It’s a very good thing to be with people in general. When it comes to those you really love, it is more than being happy: You feel an intense and deep emotion that you cannot describe. It seems that the moments you have shared with them are irreplaceable.

However, being alone can also be helpful. The more you have enjoyed being with friends, the least you will be able to face loneliness. In the end, it’s a matter of adaptation.

During the moment you are alone, try to start an activity that you have always wanted to do (learning a language, reading, doing exercise, etc.), and you will find out that it was worth being alone.

4) Let them dance, but now choose the rhythm

“Friends change . . . friendships change. Real friends move with these changes and talk about them as they are happening.” — Anne Wilson Schaeft

When you become stable and have totally adapted to your new life. If it is for the better, some of your ex-friends will want to hang out with you. Let them come if they want, but never let them pull you back.

If they cannot adapt to your new life, then let them be! Each one has their goal in life. What may be bad for you, can be good for them. Don’t try to make compatible what will never be.

You can always care about your ex-friends without hanging out with them. You don’t have to pretend to be someone you no longer are. Don’t be a slave of your past, be the captain of your future instead. Be with people who can help you become who you want to be, and you will find your paths to success.

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