HUMOR

Fox Shows No Partisanship This Time

Crocs News not fake; just weirdly funny

One can be sly like a fox. Fast as one, too.

You wouldn’t want a fox to guard the henhouse because, well, chickens. And you’d probably be considered crazy like a fox if you gave a member of the Canidae Family (OK, foxes) that responsibility.

Foxes, apparently, also don’t have much fashion sense. And are well-read, too.

I remember a silly story from last year, at the height of the pandemic.

A fox in a Berlin ’burb had invested heavily in Crocs. Meaning it had taken a liking to the hideous rubberized footwear.

People would leave their wiffle-clogs (thanks, Urban Dictionary!) outside, and the “shoes” would be gone the next morning. Oh, other slippers — especially sandals, and sometimes sneakers— disappeared, too, but the foxes common to this particular suburb really, really preferred fashion that ended up where the rubber really met the road. In other words, these dog-like critters were Croc-oholics.

First, let’s translate the August 2020 Twitter post, above:

“Fox, you have stolen that shoe. In #Zehlendorf more than 100 shoes have been stolen by a fox.” Zehlendorf is the Berlin ’burb in question. And Twitter provided the translation.

In addition, the culprit apparently wasn’t all matchy-matchy about this particular crime spree, preferring to lift single shoes from stoops instead of pairs. Some residents were so concerned they went so far as to post “footwear wanted”-type posters in their hood.

“Who has seen [my] left sneaker? The day before yesterday a fox…stole my sneaker! Some other shoes lay on the street but mine is still missing. Please contact me if you find the shoe. THANK YOU!”

Now a whole year later, neighbors in the D.C. area have noticed there is a newspaper-nabber on the lam.

And this isn’t fake news, either.

Critters in the Mt. Vernon section of Alexandria, Virginia — close to George Washington’s historic crib — have been lifting rolled-up periodicals from people’s driveways in the pre-dawn hours. A neighbor set up a wildlife camera to pinpoint the perps. They turned out to be kissin’ cousins of the creatures in the German capital.

Let’s go to the videotape, c/o the local D.C. CBS affiliate.

And the fox (or foxes; who knows?) news doesn’t stop there.

The thief is not particular. It has purloined newspapers bearing the analysis of The Washington Post (considered by some to be left-leaning); The Washington Times (decidedly in the right’s corner), and even the local rag, full of grocery store coupons and summer swim team accomplishments.

In the dog days of summer, this kind of behavior is to be expected, according to wildlife experts. The furry beasts with the pointy snouts are, after all, related to canines. And they exhibit all kinds of mutt-like behavior, including picking up newspapers, much like Rover would.

The only difference, as far as I can discern, is that the fox doesn’t play fetch and deliver the rolled-up compilation of today’s headlines to the owner, but rather drags it off to its den, where it may do a little interior decorating, or teach its cubs how to “play”.

This recent fox behavior isn’t even fresh news in the D.C. region.

A few years ago, a man named Robert Taylor, who happened to live in the D.C. ’burb I called home for almost three decades, told inquiring minds in the media that his yard had became a key collection point for the lost possessions of his neighbors — those of the newspaper variety, at any rate.

Taylor was able to figure out the reason newspapers kept piling up on his property after he saw a fox walking with one of the local rags in its mouth.

“I actually had to put a sign in my front yard that said, ‘If you’re missing your newspapers, don’t blame the postman. It’s a fox’.”

That’s pretty good reporting on Mr. Taylor’s part, if you ask me. And so much more interesting than the political drivel we’ve seen, of late.