Four Months Alcohol Free — How It’s Going

I can’t believe it’s been four months already — here’s how I’ve been feeling.

There are some new and unexpected feelings I’ve been dealing with over the past month.

I rarely enjoyed the feeling of getting drunk before I gave up alcohol. I enjoyed a drink most days but the idea of being drunk didn’t appeal to me.

The nature of alcohol though meant that I would often get drunk, because one drink turns to two which turns to five. Once the relaxing, anxiety-reducing effects wore off I needed another drink.

Now, seeing other people drunk, seeing pictures of friends who are drunk or hearing stories of drunken nights out gives me this new feeling: I’m so glad it’s not me.

This is a regular feeling now, that I’m happy to be the one who’s sober.

I’m still being questioned on why

Because I work from home and can easily spend weeks without going out very often, the people who I don’t see regularly are still questioning why I’m not drinking.

I’m still having work colleagues say they can’t wait to go for a drink soon.

I know I will disappoint them when I only stay out for an hour and I don’t go down the usual rabbit hole of getting drunk, gossiping too much, missing my train home and feeling anxious the next day.

The feeling that I won’t have to go through that this summer is a nice one, but the disappointment from other people is still an uncomfortable feeling.

I’m having some trouble at work

Going into London to work on the train is stressful for me because of my travel anxiety. It’s rarely required of me, but I try to go in once a month or so.

My coping mechanism used to be to just get there, knowing that on the way home I would be drunk and so the alcohol would allow me to get home without too much anxiety.

The last few office days of last year surprised me in that even though I was often drunk, I still found I had some anxiety on the way home. Often I worried about whether I was too drunk and felt ill or if I’d fall asleep on the train and miss my stop. One time I got so hot on the train home that I fainted when I got off at the platform.

Even writing about it is making me feel nervous.

Now I have to somehow get into work every month without having alcohol to fall back on to get me home. The anticipation of how I will cope has stopped me from getting in a few times already.

I’m lucky to have a car that I feel more comfortable in, but driving three hours each way with work in between is exhausting.

This is something I’m still trying to work out. Alcohol was always a crutch in the past to help me with work. When I felt anxious in the office I would leave early and go straight to the pub. Two glasses of wine later and the anxiety would go.

Now I have to work out a solution to making it in without freaking out, and without alcohol to lean on.

Anxiety is getting worse

I had a couple of panic attacks in April caused by traveling or anticipation of traveling. This is far more often than I’ve had them in the past, as usually, they’ve been much more sporadic.

Struggling with anxiety without having alcohol to help is difficult. It’s also very unexpected when I’m feeling the worst.

I have been out to eat at restaurants and spent time with friends with absolutely no anxiety whatsoever but there have been other times where it’s been completely overwhelming.

Plans are harder to make knowing that sometimes I just can’t follow through with them. I’m less able to commit to things, especially when someone is relying on me.

This is also shattering my confidence because I know I’m being more flaky than ever.

Summer is looking different

I wrote an article about how I’m having worries about how my summer will look. I want to still have fun and go out, but I’m worried that not drinking will affect my ability to relax and be sociable.

The more I think about it, the less I worry.

Lately, I have enjoyed going on more walks, planning more alcohol free things and not having to worry about hangovers.

Planning days with friends on a weekend no longer presents me with the dilemma of not wanting to do too much on Sunday. It doesn’t matter which day we hang out, I won’t have the worry of restricting my drink or feeling bad on a work day.

Some friends have already spoken about rock climbing more in the summer which is something I can get fully involved in without drink even coming up as an option.

I know I’m surrounded by good people when I don’t have to worry about it.

Looking on the bright side

Even though I’m struggling to get a handle on anxiety and it’s affecting my ability to be fully present at my job, I am happier sober.

I’m enjoying not having to worry about when to drink, how much to drink and how it will make me feel.

Taking the option out of the equation is a nice feeling and knowing that I can enjoy a summer hangover free and without any worries of being too drunk or embarrassing myself is a lovely feeling.

I’m having to accept for now that I will be flaky at times, and hopefully people will understand.

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