THIS IS ALLEGEDLY SATIRE
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis Goes On Crime Spree to Boost Primary Chances
“Among GOP voters, being charged with multiple offences is proof there’s a deep state cabal of blood-drinking pedophiles trying to bring you down.”
Residents of Florida were warned to remain indoors yesterday, as a man later identified as Governor Ron DeSantis allegedly went on a rampage through parts of the state.
Political insiders speculated that DeSantis may have been looking to improve his standing in the upcoming Republican primaries, where he is currently running a distant second behind former President Donald Trump.
Witnesses reported that a dark-haired, “extremely unpleasant’ man identifying himself as the governor commandeered a Dodge Grand Caravan in Dade County, which he allegedly drove to various locations to commit a series of criminal acts.
Alleged offences include attempting to force his way into Disneyland without paying while shouting “Go woke, go broke”, accosting customers in a Miami shoe store and telling them what pronouns they were required to use, and attempting to coerce a Cuban-American periodontist and his family into boarding a bus to Martha’s Vineyard.
When apprehended, DeSantis was reportedly setting fire to a copy of the children’s book “My Two Dads and Me” stolen from a local library.
Explaining the Governor’s surprising actions, former Republican strategist Harrison Rand noted that Donald Trump’s multiple indictments on various charges have increased his popularity with the MAGA base, and most likely DeSantis is hoping to emulate that success.
“Among GOP voters, being charged with multiple crimes is an asset, because it’s seen as proof that there’s a deep state cabal of blood-drinking pedophiles trying to bring you down.
“The key thing for DeSantis is to deny the accusations completely, no matter how overwhelming the evidence against him. Trump supporters see this as political savviness rather than dishonesty. If DeSantis wants to win them over he’ll need to call the video evidence ‘deep fakes’ and the eyewitnesses ‘crisis actors’.”
Sources in the DeSantis campaign say they’ve been contacted by the office of fellow GOP hopeful Nikki Haley to determine potential interest in joining forces for “some kind of Bonnie and Clyde thing.”
