Flirting with Vanilla Women
On being the subject of ‘girl crushes’
I always thought that I was straight. At least until a couple of years ago when my husband James and I opened up our marriage and I had the opportunity to have sexual experiences with women and found that I really enjoyed them. I don’t really know how to characterize my sexuality at this point because I don’t believe that labels are necessarily all that useful. Am I bi-sexual? Am I better described by some other term? I don’t really think about it much one way or the other most of the time. I’m just me and I like who I like, with gender not being much of factor in that equation.
That being said, we do still largely keep that part of our lives separate from some of the other more conventionally oriented parts. For instance, no-one at James’ work has any idea that we are sexually and romantically involved with other people and it seems best to leave it that way. We aren’t ashamed of who we are, but we’ve learned the hard way that many folks are very uncomfortable with the idea of the people that they know living much less conventionally than they do, so we tend to keep it under wraps.
Last night James and I went to his work holiday party. If was a fun and festive event with decent food, decent dance music, and an open bar. Throughout the evening I found myself in a kind of flirtation with several different women. Although it’s possible that they too were keeping their real selves back just as we are, I’m reasonably sure that they were all pretty “Vanilla,” meaning that they were sexually conventional. Maybe they are a lot like I once was, not realizing how attracted I could be to some women until I opened up to that possibility and allowed for it to breathe? I don’t really know.
So, what does it look like to flirt with a woman who is presenting as straight and Vanilla? Well, perhaps a better question is what does it look like when such a woman is flirting with me because all of these flirtations were initiated by the other women. For the moment at least, I was their girl crush.
Rosa was the first one of the evening; one of James’ co-workers. She was a Latin American beauty with long, dark hair and a charming smile, which she flashed at me often. We ran across each other while our respective husbands were refilling the drinks and sat down at a table, both to get off of our feet for a bit and to better have a chance to chat. I don’t know her very well, and I hadn’t seen her since last year’s party, but we just seemed kind of drawn to each other. Neither of us was particularly provocatively dressed but we commented that it was a bit warm and how we wished that we’d worn less. That was about as racy as the conversation ever got.
Our talk was largely light and somewhat oriented around children and family but still reflected elements of our passionate natures. Perhaps that was one of the things that we both recognized and admired in each other? She told me about how a few years ago they had decided to move back to her home country, just to give her husband and small children an opportunity to see what it would be like, and to be closer to her family. Ultimately, they decided it was better to return to the US and were fortunate to both get their old jobs back upon their return less than a year later. “That must have been a big leap,” I said, “to essentially sell everything that you had and make that move and then turn around and come back. But at least you won’t be wondering what it could have been like and regretting not knowing.” She heartily agreed, again flashing me her lovely, warm smile — seemingly glad to have been seen and understood in that way.
We decided it was time to eat and got into the buffet line together, discussing each option in the way that you might if you were out on a first or second date. “I know I should eat some salad,” she confided in me, “but I don’t want really want to tonight.”
“Me either,” I said with a conspiratorial smile as we headed back to our table. After we’d eaten, James thought that we should walk around and spend time with other people, but all through the evening, any time I looked Rosa’s way, she was looking at me, with twinkling eyes and a playful smile. I even got to dance with her at one point, and I loved watching her curves sway in rhythm with the music. Latin women really do know how to move! Still, I had no illusion that this was going to go any further, but I would have been content to have spent the entire evening in her company none-the-less.
The second flirtation of the night was with Natalie, the wife of a co-worker. She was slim and blonde, with a cute but somewhat athletic figure, very different from Rosa in every way. Her lacy black dress with the flared skirt made her look a bit like Sandra Dee. I joined a group that was dancing that she was a part of and after a while, it was just the two of us. After some serious boogying down while we loudly sang the lyrics of the songs, we decided to get fresh drinks and headed to the bar. It was there that we started talking to another woman whose name I didn’t catch.
Somehow the topic turned to division of labor in the home, with the third woman telling us about how she doesn’t get back from work until 7 but is still expected to cook and do all of the cleaning, etc. How did that come up at the bar of a holiday party several hours in? I don’t know, but it was clearly what was on her mind. She was a younger woman, newly married, and Natalie and I both laughingly counseled her to nip that in the bud!
When the husband showed up and asked what we were talking about, it wasn’t long before he’d steered his bride off to a less dangerous conversation somewhere else. Natalie and I laughed some more and hugged each other as we bonded over his deer-in-the-headlights expression as he removed his beloved from the clutches of the disrupters of his domestic bliss.
Natalie and I hugged each other a couple of more times as we continued to chuckle about the newlyweds. Our attraction was built around being two strong women who love our husbands dearly, but who also really stand for lives that don’t come at our own expense. That, and we both loved to dance. The hugging was spontaneous and natural, and a little bit alcohol-induced. It was a socially acceptable way to touch, but again, I had no expectation that it would go any further than that even as Natalie beamed at me all through the tail end of the evening.
The third woman, I don’t know her name. She was a late 20s/early 30s African American woman and I don’t know how she fit into the party, but she had long, curly, black hair and a flattering but not overly sexy dress. She found me on the dance-floor mid-party and said, “Now, that’s what I’m talking about,” as I danced. I don’t know if I’m actually a good dancer or not. Maybe I actually look like Elaine Boosler, but I do dance with enthusiasm and abandon, and apparently that was attractive. Towards the end of the evening she found me again and hugged me, “You were really cutting a rug out there,” she told me, with that same aura of admiration and connection to something that was beyond the surface appeal.
In all of my life, I’m authentic and passionate. I live life fully and out loud. James and I are happy and have a very healthy and open relationship. We embrace love and life in its many forms. Perhaps that’s what these women were drawn to in me. I enjoyed interacting and flirting with them and seeing them respond to aspects of me that weren’t necessarily on open display. They were feeling my undercurrents and resonating with them, and that was a very nice thing indeed.
I can only wonder what it might spark for them in their own lives……….
© Copyright Elle Beau 2020 Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love. If this story is appearing anywhere other than Medium.com, it appears without my consent and has been stolen.