Five Ways Humans Were Cheated By Evolution

Summary

The article humorously discusses five biological limitations of humans, contrasting them with the abilities of other species, such as cows, ants, and chameleons, suggesting that evolution has shortchanged humanity.

Abstract

The author of the article expresses dissatisfaction with certain human biological traits, arguing that if humans were designed by a loving God or shaped by evolution, they would have been given more advantageous features. The piece satirically laments the lack of a prehensile penis, the inability to change color, fly, dive deep into the ocean, breathe through the butt, or have multiple stomachs like cows. It also bemoans gender-specific genitalia, the need for sleep, the limitations of human eyesight compared to chameleons, and the inability to handle high salt concentrations like marine mammals. The author uses these examples to humorously argue that humans have been "cheated" by evolution, envying the biological advantages of other species.

Opinions

The author rejects Creationism, finding it illogical that a loving God would withhold beneficial biological features from humans, such as a prehensile penis or the ability to change color.
The article suggests that evolution has not favored humans with certain capabilities that would be advantageous or convenient, such as having multiple stomachs or a single opening for all excretory and reproductive functions (cloaca).
The author envies the efficiency of ants, who do not require sleep and live in a society with a division of labor, allowing them to operate tirelessly.
There is a humorous suggestion that if humans had the independent eye movement of chameleons, it would lead to societal benefits, such as increased multitasking abilities.
The piece mockingly implies that having the salt-regulating abilities of marine mammals would allow humans to consume large amounts of salt without adverse effects.
The author's tone indicates a playful frustration with human biology, using hyperbole and humor to critique what they perceive as evolutionary shortcomings.

Or, How I envy the ants

Back here (dead link. I deleted that post while creating this one because sometimes I spaz when I think I have prematurely published something) I asked readers to vote on topics for the summer. Nobody responded, so you get what you get. If you are unhappy with the dreck being served this summer, you have nobody to blame but yourselves.

I don’t believe in Creationism because I believe in a loving God. Creationists believe that God had all the tools of biological magic at his fingertips and sat down to specifically create human beings. That can’t be the case. How could a loving God set about making humans and actively decide not to give us a prehensile penis? What kind of God would do that? What kind of God gives a prehensile penis to dolphins but not to the creatures who are supposed to have dominion over the earth?

Putting aside the injustice of the prehensile penis for a second, why didn’t God give us the ability to change color like a chameleon? Think of the problems that would solve! Black people could just change into white people when hailing a cab or talking to police. I could turn into an Asian woman, put on a push-up bra and stare at myself in the mirror…. or… er, maybe that’s a different idea. Did I just type that out loud?

Clearly Creationism is for crackpots, but even if you buy the evolution “theory”, how do you figure that we did so badly? While I concede that we are a marvelously successful species and can take pride in the fact that we are able to build desalinization plants while our closest competitors, the chimps, are lucky to be catching ants on a stick… I can’t help looking at the empty part of the glass. I mean, why can’t we fly? Why can’t we dive down below the ocean and eat giant squid? Why can’t we breathe through our butts? Turtles can breathe through their butts. Really. You could look it up.

1. We only have one stomach

How many times have you wanted to eat more but couldn’t because of the one measly stomach that nature gave you was full? Why can’t we have a four-chambered stomach like a cow? Cows can swallow silage, allow it to break down in the rumen, pass it to the reticulum, and then regurgitate it later for more chewing. Think of what we could do if we had such anatomy. Say, for example, you find a super bonanza of food, like an unguarded table covered in donuts. With a cow’s anatomy, you could quickly fill your rumen and reticulum and enjoy the treats at your leisure. No more distracted eating in your car. Ingest before you buckle up and ruminate at the traffic light. A stomach full of salts and sweets always at your disposal. Oh, to have the belly of a cow!

2. We have gender specific genitalia

I know that most of you will argue that differentiated external genitalia is a good thing, but I’m going to ask you to think outside of the box. What if we all had a single opening for our urinary, digestive and reproductive tracts like most amphibians, reptiles, and birds do? Think how easy everything would be. There would be one set of hygiene products… one kind of underwear… one model of porcelain bathroom fixture. I know it sounds gross, but if everyone just had a cloaca we’d all get used to it. Even cursing would be easier. It wouldn’t matter if someone was male or female. If they were giving you a hard time you could say “what a vent.” Oh, to have the cloaca of a chicken!

3. We have to sleep

“[ants] represent the culmination of insect evolution, in the same sense that humans represent the summit of vertebrate evolution.”

I think they have it better than us. I bet you think I’m going to talk about how male ants get to live in a city of tireless, sterile, un-matched females or that ants have TWO stomachs, one for their own food and one for food that they INTEND TO SHARE, but what I really envy is the fact that ants don’t sleep. Now, if you go poking around the internet you’ll find that whether ants sleep or not is one of those frequently disputed questions like whether balrogs have wings (they don’t) or whether Pluto is a planet (it’s not). Careful researchers talk about ants “resting” or ant “idleness.” I’m sticking to the third grade “cool factoid” that “ants don’t sleep”. As far as I’m concerned it hasn’t been definitively overturned. Wouldn’t it be great not to have to sleep? You could binge watch all of Botched in one night! Oh, to have the rhythms of an ant!

4. Our eyes track

Chameleons have eyes that can move independently. If humans could do this we would be able to look uptown and downtown at the same time. You could watch a waitress pour your coffee while reading the paper. You could look a busty woman in the eye while talking to her. Oh, to have the eyes of a chameleon!

5. We Can’t Handle Salt

Why don’t whales, that live in salt water and have salt water pass through their mouths, die of thirst? Why doesn’t the fresh water in a marine mammal’s body flow out into the salt water that surrounds it? The answer is that marine mammals and fish have a number of adaptations that allow them to conserve fresh water and excrete salt very effectively. It’s not the cod liver oil you want, it’s the cod’s liver. A liver that can filter the ocean must have other uses. If I had a cod’s liver I bet I could drink a keg of beer and piss turpentine. I could pour soy sauce in my miso soup and drink it with a spoon made of anchovies. Oh, to have the liver of a seal!

[From the Archives: This article was originally published by the publication The Coffeelicious on July 11, 2015. I have scraped and republished it because I can’t figure out any other way to leverage the Medium backlist.]