The Dream of a Prehensile Penis
In this article,
I made clear that I can’t believe in Creationism because it would mean that a loving God gave the bottlenose porpoise a prehensile penis but didn’t give one to humans. What kind of God would do that?
Now, I have been talking about prehensile penises for a long time. For most of it I was operating under the mistaken assumption that a prehensile penis would be like “a monkey’s tail.” New world monkeys have prehensile tails, and the definition of prehensile is “adapted for seizing or grasping, especially by wrapping around.”
The idea that dolphins can wrap their fourteen inch penises around things filled me with jealousy. I imagined they could pick up items with their “members.” The implications were astounding. The possibilities tremendous, but not for dolphins. What is a dolphin going to pick up with its penis, a clam shell?
It turns out that dolphins don’t have that kind of prehensile penis. A marine biologist explained to me that I should “think tongue, not monkey tail. Your tongue is prehensile in much the same way that a dolphin’s penis is.”
That kills the buzz, doesn’t it? I mean, while I can see how a tongue-like penis would be useful, it pales in comparison to my daydream of a penis with the range and motion of a monkey tail. Still, how did we lose out on this clear evolutionary advantage?” How is it possible any animal has a prehensile penis and we do not? I thought that humans won the entire “adaptation” competition. Dolphins clearly have us beat in an important way. I just hope they are as dumb as I suspect they are. I can’t bear the thought of them laughing at our inferior penises. But what if we had somehow lucked into a prehensile penis early in our evolutionary development? Think of how we might have selected for it. My bet is that a million years of hominid evolution combined with our big brain’s selection ability would have helped us come pretty close to the holy grail of a tail-like penis. Instead of an uncontrollable mass of erectile tissue, we would have a fourteen inch limb that could turn corners. Can you imagine what you could do with that kind of penis? No? O.K., I’ll imagine it for you:
A Selection of Prehensile Penis Fan Fiction
A Romantic Evening
As the fading sun dipped behind the stand of live oaks, shadows slid across the meadow where Emma and Robert sat. Emma wondered if they could be seen from the big house, but her worries melted to meaninglessness when she saw the way that Robert was looking at her. “My granddaddy planted these live oaks,” she said in an attempt to dissipate the nervousness that she felt — the giddy, wonderful nervousness that Robert’s attention provoked in her, “Daddy loved them too…” Before she could finish what she was saying Robert brought his face close to hers. “Damn it, Emma” he said “I leave for Atlanta tomorrow and I don’t care about your daddy’s live oaks.” He bent to kiss her, the world began to spin in a wonderful kaleidoscope of twilight, she matched his passion with her own. Years and years of bottled up emotion poured through her lips into Robert. They kissed for a long time, and as they kissed Emma slowly became aware of Robert’s penis gently lifting the hem of her skirt.
The Bluff
The gumshoes sat straight backed in the plush living room chairs of Jack’s apartment. “Come on, Marciano,” the fat one said, “we know you have the ice somewhere here in Vegas and the Sheriff’s department called us today to say the Radio Free Spruce is ready to talk.” Jack didn’t let the last comment register on his face. “Spruce!” he thought. He had one last angle to play with these stooges. Stepping out from behind the bar, he stirred his drink with his penis in one slow continuous motion while staring at the g-men. Then he lifted the drink to his lips, “Spruce is a liar, and even if he wasn’t a liar, he’s too dumb to be trusted with any intel…”
The Adventure
My last chance was to try to make contact with McMurdo station, but to do that I needed a radio antenna — preferably at the top of the mast. Climbing 80 feet in the violent waters of the Amundsen sea isn’t something I want to do in the best conditions, and these weren’t the best conditions. Knowing that I would need both hands to set the antenna, I went below deck to get my fleece penis sheath. With no shell on the sheath I knew I could only hold onto the mast for five or six minutes on penis strength alone. I would have to work fast. Hopefully my dick was up to the job.
The Guffaw
Once again, Larry was entertaining all of the teenagers with his “fiery penis juggling” trick in the school student activity center. There was a large crowd of kids giggling and egging him on. He was at the top of his game, all of the kids looking at HIM and his artful penis, then suddenly everything went wrong. The fire alarm sounded, and when Larry looked to see where the sound came from he momentarily forgot about the two flaming paper towel rolls hanging in the air in front of him.
The Hero
Sitting on the sideline, Johnny knew he had to get back in the game. They needed him. Down by six points, third and ten on the Scouts forty yard line, he ran up to the stocky man pacing the sideline. “Coach, Coach!” he yelled, “I can play, Coach. We should run the statue of dicktory play.” The old man looked at him sternly. “You think your penis can handle it, Johnny? If you fumble it will be our first homecoming loss in forty-seven years.”