Five Things That You Shouldn’t Tell People When They Are In Grief

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other people. Sometimes I prayed for them when I said this, but mostly I said this phrase because I felt sorry for them, and there was nothing I could do and say. Then, I realized how awful this phrase be when someone told me that they would pray for me. I don’t know them, I know them by their Facebook name, but I am not close to them.</p><p id="3f52">→ Telling your grieving friend that you will pray for them will not encourage them. They know that you won’t pray for them, and you knew you’re not going to pray for them either. So, telling them you will pray for them does not help the grieving person.</p><p id="62de">4. “<i>Other people had it worse.</i>” → Telling this to someone going through some hard times in their lives is probably the worse thing you could ever tell someone! Does that mean that what I am going through in life is not worse? Do my feelings valid? It is not practical to say because you’re like telling them that their feelings are not good and what they are going through is not that bad.</p><p id="13e6">→ If you think that telling your grieving friend that other people had it worse is helpful, well, it’s not. It will not fix anything, and it wouldn't change how the person will feel when you tell them.</p><p id="7937">5. “It’s okay.” → “Condolence” followed by “it’s okay,” no, it’s not okay. It’s not okay to lose a loved one, and it’s not okay to grieve. It does not have any meaning in words, and it does not seem encouraging. → You cannot demand the grieving person to feel “okay” when they cannot, and they will not be okay for a while.</p><p id="863b">Nobody has told me this yet, but I told my friend whose brother passed away two weeks before my grandfather died. I told her like this: it wouldn’t be okay for a while, but it’s going to be okay.”, then she told me, “it’s not going to be okay forever.”. I respected her for what she said.</p><figure id="262b"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*JdvC8TgLm6-vn47t"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@devasangbam?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Dev Asangbam</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><p id="d8a9">Also, please don’t send them funny videos or memes to make them laugh. It is not time for that. It is not time to think positively, saying “condolence” without actually sympathizing, not validating your friend's

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feelings and telling your grieving friend that others had it worse.</p><p id="b43d">People who grieve for a loved one need support; they don’t need people who will cheer them up at the moment. Let your grieving friend feel sad and be there for them. Your presence and your listening ears are enough to tell them than telling them to think the brighter side.</p><p id="34f4"><b>What should you do instead?</b></p><ul><li>Listen to what they are saying, and don’t interrupt when they are talking. Just listen</li><li>Let them know that you will be there for them.</li><li>Please encourage them to take a step by step process slowly in moving on</li><li>Let them know that their feelings are valid and you understand what they’re going through</li><li>Sympathize with them and support them because they need anything other than telling them a positive message.</li><li>Instead of telling them, you will pray for them and ask them if you can pray for them in person. I have done this many times, and it is not awkward as it may seem it is.</li></ul><p id="16e3"><b>Final thought:</b></p><p id="fce0">Whenever I hear news about my friends losing a person from their lives, I wouldn’t send them my deepest condolences message if I don’t feel like doing it or not sympathizing with them. I know it may sound harsh that I should be there for a friend, but I know how it feels like to be sad and feel hopeless, and when my friends trying to help me out get with the sadness, it did not fix what I was feeling. I needed to feel sad so that I could move on.</p><p id="de2e">If you have a grieving friend, don’t try and cheer them up; instead, be there and support them. Let them know that you are sorry too, and you understand how they feel.</p><div id="1d49" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/be-open-submission-guidelines-41ea51ef4ef1"> <div> <div> <h2>We Invite You to Become Our Writer — Be Open Submission Guidelines</h2> <div><h3>You don’t have to be a great writer or super perfect human to contribute here. I believe everyone can become inspirator…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*eBrTZS3wC0WwzBZjivi7tg.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Well-known phrases you tell people when they are going through hard times do not help and what you should do to help.

We all know that we are supposed to help our grieving friends and help them up as much as possible. Unfortunately, some positive phrases are not entirely helpful, making our grieving friend feel even worse.

Two weeks ago, my grandfather died, and some people that I am not close sent me their most profound condolence messages. I appreciated them, but I didn’t need to receive some positive phrases when I am in grief. There were times when I was at the lowest point of my life, and some of my friends were trying to cheer me up, but it makes me feel worse when they are trying to help me.

Here are five things that you shouldn't tell someone when they are in grief:

1. “Just think positive.” → This phrase is the common phrase some people tell the grieving person to think positively. Yes, we get it! We know that you are trying to help us out by “thinking positive,” but it feels like you are not listening to what we are feeling at that moment. It does not help us cope with our distress. → Saying “just think positive” is like saying, “I don’t care how you feel right now, just think about bright and colourful stuff.”. Let me tell you something, there is no “positive,” “colourful,” and “brightness” in a gloomy, cloudy and grieving friend when they are at the worst time in their lives. A grieving friend cannot think anything positive when they’re feeling down and sad.

2. “Condolence.” → Just a word that you tell people when they lost someone in their lives that clutters more in their mind. We say this to show empathy to our friend who lost a loved one, but before you send this message, make sure you understand your grieving friend and sympathize with them.

3. “I’ll pray for you.” → I am guilty of this because I used to tell this to other people. Sometimes I prayed for them when I said this, but mostly I said this phrase because I felt sorry for them, and there was nothing I could do and say. Then, I realized how awful this phrase be when someone told me that they would pray for me. I don’t know them, I know them by their Facebook name, but I am not close to them.

→ Telling your grieving friend that you will pray for them will not encourage them. They know that you won’t pray for them, and you knew you’re not going to pray for them either. So, telling them you will pray for them does not help the grieving person.

4. “Other people had it worse.” → Telling this to someone going through some hard times in their lives is probably the worse thing you could ever tell someone! Does that mean that what I am going through in life is not worse? Do my feelings valid? It is not practical to say because you’re like telling them that their feelings are not good and what they are going through is not that bad.

→ If you think that telling your grieving friend that other people had it worse is helpful, well, it’s not. It will not fix anything, and it wouldn't change how the person will feel when you tell them.

5. “It’s okay.” → “Condolence” followed by “it’s okay,” no, it’s not okay. It’s not okay to lose a loved one, and it’s not okay to grieve. It does not have any meaning in words, and it does not seem encouraging. → You cannot demand the grieving person to feel “okay” when they cannot, and they will not be okay for a while.

Nobody has told me this yet, but I told my friend whose brother passed away two weeks before my grandfather died. I told her like this: it wouldn’t be okay for a while, but it’s going to be okay.”, then she told me, “it’s not going to be okay forever.”. I respected her for what she said.

Also, please don’t send them funny videos or memes to make them laugh. It is not time for that. It is not time to think positively, saying “condolence” without actually sympathizing, not validating your friend's feelings and telling your grieving friend that others had it worse.

People who grieve for a loved one need support; they don’t need people who will cheer them up at the moment. Let your grieving friend feel sad and be there for them. Your presence and your listening ears are enough to tell them than telling them to think the brighter side.

What should you do instead?

Listen to what they are saying, and don’t interrupt when they are talking. Just listen

Let them know that you will be there for them.

Please encourage them to take a step by step process slowly in moving on

Let them know that their feelings are valid and you understand what they’re going through

Sympathize with them and support them because they need anything other than telling them a positive message.

Instead of telling them, you will pray for them and ask them if you can pray for them in person. I have done this many times, and it is not awkward as it may seem it is.

Final thought:

Whenever I hear news about my friends losing a person from their lives, I wouldn’t send them my deepest condolences message if I don’t feel like doing it or not sympathizing with them. I know it may sound harsh that I should be there for a friend, but I know how it feels like to be sad and feel hopeless, and when my friends trying to help me out get with the sadness, it did not fix what I was feeling. I needed to feel sad so that I could move on.

If you have a grieving friend, don’t try and cheer them up; instead, be there and support them. Let them know that you are sorry too, and you understand how they feel.