Finding Reciprocal Love After Failing at Relationships

I used to think romance was transactional

My boyfriend and I have a go-to position for relaxing together. A certain way of interlocking our bodies that just feels right — whether we’re watching a show together, listening to music, or simply chatting.

He sits up on the couch or the bed while I rest my head in his lap. Then he runs his fingers through my hair gently, but not too gently. He does an amazing job finger-combing my strands with just enough tug and pull to send me floating into my calm zone.

When this first started, I couldn’t believe he’d spend so much time and effort on doing something that was just for me without asking for anything in return.

Doesn’t he find it boring and repetitive? Isn’t he too tired after a long day? Doesn’t he want his turn?

I’d ask him questions like these, wondering when he’d get tired of spoiling me. Wondering when I’d ruin our relationship by receiving too much.

But whenever I voice my concern, he responds with something like, “I love you. I could do this all day,” with a big, sincere smile.

It’s been going on long enough now that I trust in the solidity of our reciprocal romantic relationship. He does things for me out of an authentic desire to give, and I do the same for him.

And this is what makes our relationship different from any that I’ve experienced before.

As a woman who’s pushing forty and has two failed marriages under her belt, I’ve learned what doesn’t work. And now, I’ve found myself in a relationship that is teaching me what does work.

What does a reciprocal relationship look like?

Reciprocated love doesn’t mean giving for the sole purpose of getting something back. It’s about both partners having a genuine desire to love and support each other.

Psychology educator Kendra Cherry, MS, describes reciprocity in relationships as a balance where each person in a couple can communicate their needs and also respond to the needs of their partner:

Reciprocity involves a mutually beneficial exchange of support that makes each person feel cared for and loved. It is marked by sharing needs, caring for each other, empathy, and interdependence. Because each person provides emotional support that is then reciprocated, both people in the relationship get the care that they need to thrive.

It’s not the same as a transactional relationship, which focuses more on negotiations and trading relationship currency. Something like, “Last weekend I watched the kids while you went out with your friends. So this weekend, you owe me the opportunity to go out.”

There’s nothing inherently wrong with these kinds of transactions. The issue comes when the relationship veers too hard into scorekeeping territory and paying what’s “owed.”

Interpersonal communication researcher Lynette Jachowicz, PhD, warns that partners who are deep in a transactional relationship tend to focus more on the other person’s contributions to the relationship. This can create a situation where both partners are more concerned about “getting” and less concerned about “giving.”

Sooner or later, a transactional relationship hits a state of imbalance. It always will, because life itself is imbalanced. And then bitterness accumulates.

One partner, the “giver,” ends up putting in a disproportionate amount of effort for the other, the “taker.” They eventually feel exploited and begin to lose the desire or even the capability to give an ounce more.

This is what the end of my prior marriage looked like. I was taking care of more of the housework, child care, bills, and administrative stuff, and I was too beat to properly meet my partner’s desires and needs. And of course, he wasn’t focused on meeting mine.

I was giving everything I could until I could give no longer. So I began demanding and tracking transactions.

Eventually, I ended up giving only to get something in return. I had a lot of resentment for unmet transactions, and our relationship became impersonal.

Fast forward to my current relationship.

This afternoon, I drove my partner’s son to an appointment while my partner napped. He’d had an early morning and a long day, and I wanted to help. I stopped and picked up dinner on the way home so that we didn’t have to worry about cooking and cleaning. Later that night, I gave him a massage because he absolutely loved them.

I feel an authentic inner desire to give, to make him feel happy and loved and appreciated. I know it’s authentic because I feel happy making him happy — and I’m not just waiting my turn.

I feel safe giving to him, because he’s constantly showing with his words and his actions that he actively loves me.

In my experience, active love is just another label for reciprocal love. It means that both partners often show each other proof of love. Love through words and love through actions.

I get just as much or more from him, and that’s part of why we love giving to each other so much. It’s an unselfish love, but at the same time, we both know and acknowledge that it needs to go both directions in order to work.

He makes me so happy that I want to make him happy back. And vice versa. It’s a continuous cycle of love and giving that sustains itself.

Toward the end of my failed relationships, giving so much would have irked me. But I’d often put my head down and do the heavy labor while suppressing my feelings of being taken advantage of.

It wasn’t working because I wasn’t being taken care of by my partner. And I wasn’t being allowed the time or space to take care of myself, either. Both are important in a healthy reciprocal partnership.

How to build healthy reciprocity

Whether you’re seeking love or working to improve your current relationship, there are things you can do to help create a partnership built on reciprocal love.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but these are some key things I’ve observed now that I’ve seen them in action in a healthy and loving relationship.

1. Be expressive about your needs

It’s vital to communicate your desires and boundaries. Sit and speak frankly and clearly with your partner, or your potential partner, about what works for you and what doesn’t.

Maybe you worry about a relationship where all the housework will fall on you. Maybe it’s the fact that you have an extremely high or low libido. Maybe you need lots of touch and affection or maybe you hate PDA. There’s no detail too big or too small. Whatever your wants, needs, limits, desires, or quirks — express them in a respectful and loving way. And if they don’t share theirs, ask them.

This will help you both learn how you can meet each other’s needs. And as the relationship grows and evolves, continue checking in to see what’s changed.

2. Forget gender roles

There’s a growing movement of anti-feminists who would disagree with me, but the gender roles that society pushes on us have no place in the home of a loving romantic partnership. It’s up to you and your partner — and no one else — to decide how doing daily life works for both of you.

My partner will go to the store knowing what groceries we need without asking me, cook dinner for me and our kids, and do the dishes afterward. He has not a care in the world that some view these duties as “submissive.”

Part of that is his autism and the fact that he simply sees no connection between the work we do and the reproductive organs we have. I think this is a beautiful way of looking at the world. He does things because they need doing and he doesn’t want the full load of domestic labor to overwhelm me.

3. Self-care first

It might seem counter-intuitive, but you simply can’t pour love into your partner if you have nothing left to give.

Relationship experts recognize the importance of an interdependent relationship dynamic where both partners honor the importance of their connection while also maintaining a strong sense of individuality outside of the relationship.

When you care for your mental and physical health, pursue the activities you love, and respect boundaries within the relationship — you’ll be in a much better position to help your partner.

Take moments outside of your relationship to enjoy hobbies, friendship, dance class, reading, a walk — anything that helps re-energize you.

That way you’re able to give happily, and without expectations.

Finding someone who knows how to love you

There’s an aspect of love and dating is totally random.

Sometimes we go into a first date with hopeful optimism, only to find that hope beaten and slashed to a bloody pulp by the end of a brutally awkward night. Other times, we fall in love, hard, by the time the appetizer comes. Often, a relationship is some version of those two extremes.

We’ve all heard enough horror stories to know that searching for a long-term partnership can be rough. It can be grueling, tedious, and horrific work.

But with enough knowledge about what you want out of a relationship, you’ll have a better chance of finding that someone who “clicks” in all the right ways.

I was lucky to find someone on a dating app, of all places, who’s compatible, great at communication, and emotionally mature.

He also enjoys reciprocating love.

We share the same sense of humor, similar interests, and similar backgrounds and lifestyles. We’re both parents with previous marriages that ended up not working out.

And we’ve both learned through our failed relationships what we want and need out of a partner.

Having these things in common was certainly a major reason why we ended up moving in together a little over a year after our first date.

All this to say: when you know yourself and how to express your needs, you can better recognize whether or not a relationship has the potential to be a healthy, loving, and reciprocal one.

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