Finding Peace – A Personal Journey in Committing to the Hijab

A look at the love and hate relationships I experienced on my journey to committing to the hijab.

It all began in 2001.

Actually the story starts much earlier.

I am of Lebanese heritage, but grew up in the 80s and 90s practicing Islam in Canada while adapting to some Canadian traditions along the way.

My parents raised us to be modest in our style of clothing, but wearing the traditional hijab for females was not something stressed in my upbringing, basically because the Muslim community I grew up with in Canada wasn’t very large.

My school friends growing up were very pleasant and modest girls of mixed race and religious heritages, and so I was in good company and felt welcomed by my group of friends for being the Muslim.

In late 1999, I, along with a couple of these same friends graduated from the local university with a degree in engineering.

My friends found work in our local city, but I was hired to work for the largest and most popular telecommunications company at the time, Nortel Networks in my nation’s capital of Ottawa, in January 2000.

Life was good. I was enjoying my time with family and friends, had a wonderful job, my own apartment in a building with friendly neighbors, and most importantly, just purchased a new car.

A year later, in early 2001, I met a new group of Muslim friends that went on trips together but also talked more about the religious side of Islam, and a few of the sisters in the group encouraged me to start wearing the hijab.

At first, I was unsure of how it would effect my job, and I was too afraid to find out.

So, instead, I began to experiment wearing the hijab out to certain places (grocery stores, restaurants, and the local masjid), to test how I felt, and what sort of reactions I would get from those around me — those that did not know me.

Thankfully, I never experienced any type of harrasment other than comments like — “take that rag off your head” as I walked in the street.

Of course hearing these words brings a range of emotions, from shock to anger, but I learned that silence to comments like this created louder responses because the offender had a hard time figuring out the next move, and so would just move on.

When it came to those who did know me, I noticed that some in my apartment building who were friendly with me before, simply stopped making eye contact with me, while I was wearing the hijab, when we passed each other in the halls or in the elevator.

Others neighbors would continue to be friendly with me.

And so wearing the hijab really taught me something about human nature.

I officially started wearing the hijab when I turned 25.

More on that in a little while.

The Hijab Dilemma

Growing up, I felt the dilemma from both sides when it came to the hijab — to not wear, or to wear, that is the question.

You would hear from members in the Muslim community: “Once you wear the hijab, you can NEVER take it off.”

So if you committed to wearing the hijab, that’s it.

There’s no turning back — EVER!

I. To Not Wear

Growing up in my small Muslim community, I would overhear girls convince themselves that when they were married and really old, they’ll start wearing the hijab — because then they’re not looking for a reason to take it off.

Come to think of it, I don’t recall seeing any ladies, young or old, wearing the hijab while growing up.

However, the Muslim population in my community really began to grow when I was in my 11th grade of high school.

And with the growth, the hijab began to make an appearance in my high school.

And personal hijab stories began to come up.

Most of them were of girls who were forced to wear it.

They would come to school wearing it, go to the bathroom, take it off, put on their make up, and then before school was out, go back and take off the make up, and put the hijab back on and head home.

I witnessed some of them do this, and would always think — poor girls.

II. To Wear

On the flip side, I would hear stories of girls wanting to wear the hijab, but they would get discouraged by family and friends around them, saying;

“No one will hire you for work.”

“People will misunderstand you.”

Or perhaps the most shocking of statements concerning wanting to wear it before marriage.

“People will think you’re wearing it because you’re trying to atone for your past sins!”

These stories taught me a very important lesson about wearing the hijab, that no matter what, no one should EVER force a girl to wear it (or not to wear it), and that the choice is up to the girl and her very personal commitment to the hijab- because it really is a love or hate relationship.

The Love — Hate Relationship with Hijab

I think that if you don’t understand the reason for the hijab you will hate it, whether you are the person wearing it, or the person looking at someone who is wearing it.

When a female starts wearing the hijab, it does its duty — it takes away her beauty, and that’s what many find to be hard and may cause them to hate it.

But when a female loves it — it does its duty. It wraps around her as a protection from what she seeks protection from and gives her the confidence of self.

I personally never agreed with those who told females if they wear hijab, that they should never take it off.

Because by taking the hijab off, a female will test herself as to whether or not she feels guilty for taking it off when out in public.

If she doesn’t feel guilty — she hasn’t reached the point of loving it yet. She may not be ready to continue on in her journey to committing to the hijab.

But if she feels overwhelming guilt for taking the hijab off — then that’s when she knows she loves it, and from that point on, she won’t take it off for any person or any reason.

My Personal Journey to Committing to the Hijab

I love to say committing to the hijab, and not just wearing the hijab because while it is something I wear — it is more than a piece of clothing-it is a commitment to myself in my personal journey in my faith.

Now on to my story that I share with anyone who asks me as to why I wear the hijab.

In May of 2001, the company I was working for, began its downward spiral in the telecommunications market and in what was the fourth round of many layoffs — I was laid off.

Even though my former company laid me off, I was offered support in finding work and was given three sessions with a head-hunting company that specialized in helping people find work in industry.

As for my commitment with my hijab, I was at this time finding it hard to take off the hijab, since I was now wearing it full time outside of work.

So I made a promise to myself, that on my last session with this company I would go in wearing the hijab.

When the day of the last session came, I proudly wore my hijab, got in my car, and drove to the company parking lot.

As I was pulling into the parking lot, a lady was standing by the front door, cigarette in hand, and caught my attention as she was giving me the most dirty look you can imagine.

I found a parking spot, took a deep breath, asked for forgiveness, and took off the hijab, and got out of my car, and walked up to the door of the company where the lady was standing.

This same lady, looked at me with the biggest of smiles, and said “hello dear”.

I was boiling mad at myself.

Why am I so afraid!

I’m never going to be afraid, ever again!

I knew I was angry because I knew I was in love — with my commitment to the hijab.

I never took the hijab off from that day ever again.

Lessons the Hijab Taught me About Human Nature

One important lesson the hijab taught me is that in dealing with people, their true colors always shine through.

For example, standing in grocery lines, and watching the cashiers say hello to everyone except me makes me see the cashier’s true nature as a human.

Irregardless, if I can speak English or not, if you, as a cashier, are saying hello to people — it’s not because you expect a hello back, but because you’re supposed to be a nice human.

The hijab has taught me to see humans as they are, and that genuine people will always welcome you, won’t be afraid of you, and perhaps even seek comfort in you knowing you seek comfort in protecting yourself.

It’s taken me awhile in learning these lessons while wearing the hijab, but I’m grateful for these lessons, and I will continue to observe human nature in my journey with the hijab.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for sharing in my journey to seeking wellness through committing to my hijab.

And until next time, stay well and have fun!

Danya, xo

IF you enjoyed reading this article, please consider reading my other personal journey articles on medium.