Finding My Voice When I’m Not Sure Who Wants To Hear Me
Have you ever chosen not to say something or voiced an opinion in nearly a whisper because you didn’t want anyone to hear you? Or maybe, if you are anything like me, you didn’t think anyone would hear you if you spoke up?
I feel like I have been pushed into a corner for so many years that no one is paying attention to me long enough to really listen and “hear” me.
This is a result of many experiences, with the most significant being when I was married.
It also includes jobs, family and friends.
Yes, the full 360 degrees of my life.
A little bit of this changed during my “karaoke” years. I started karaoke shortly after getting a divorce. One of the facilitators in my small group when going through a “Coping with Divorce” seminar invited everyone to go when he did.
It took many nights and switching up the types of songs to try to be closer to “singing” versus “talking” through a song. Many times, if it was a good audience, then there was applause for being on stage and doing it. Sometimes people would add “good job,” and I didn’t know why they were saying it.
I do not have any formal training, and depending on how much the host would adjust the audio…
I know I am not going to cut any recording deals any time soon.
I would always have fun, though.
A couple of times I went to karaoke with a cousin who does have enough formal voice training that he can teach others. When he said good things, I felt he meant it. He is like a brother with different parents and doesn’t have to go out of his way to say anything. He wouldn’t have ulterior motives the way a random audience member might. One day I hope to work with him or someone else on voice training.
Stepping Up
About a year ago, I “officially” volunteered for the position that included the tasks I had been doing all year at an organization. It meant I would be a part of a group that included five or six other volunteers. The role in this group is my second job. The group included others in charge and one or two in advisory roles.
When the email went out asking for five volunteers, the response was exactly that — five people and one per role described. We all knew each other, at least by name. I was nervous about how we would work with each other since our philosophies and backgrounds differed. I felt like I had a lot to say, which is why I wanted to keep volunteering.
Making the volunteering official had the added benefits of the membership being aware that I was one of the people in charge. Still, those differences stood out to me sometimes, especially being a woman, which meant being a minority in the organization.
On top of that, I have more introverted tendencies and will listen intently and speak when I feel I have a reason. It’s easy to get drowned out. The other woman who started in the group was opposite and her voice was tremendously louder.
Most of the people in the group were loud.
When you put all of that together…
I tended to mumble or whisper.
I found out that others wanted to hear me.
Changing the Behavior
When I would state something under my breath or not quite loud enough, two of the guys decided to pick on me to make me speak louder. If that seems like elementary school, it felt like that, too.
It worked, though.
One wanted to hear what I had to say and is partially hard of hearing. He would push me to repeat what I said more loudly. He also said that I can tell him to back off or “shut up.” He is another one who I feel is like a sibling with different parents, except we’re not related. We get along well and he is still a part of the group.
More than hearing me, he acknowledges the value of what I have said as part of the decision making process.
For example, he wanted to outsource the top paperwork items to someone who he knows is skilled and trustworthy. I asked a lot of questions because there are other items we have been working at handling a different way. He said he started thinking about those discussions and noted he had assumed information and my questions made him realize that.
He heard my points and took them into consideration.
The second person would push me about speaking up, especially when I mumbled. We tend to banter back and forth quite often. It’s not a one-way push and it has been described as “escalating each other.” I would guess it works because of some combination of trust, respect, and annoyance. It began before the group described existed because he has been the project manager in charge.
I volunteered since the first week I became involved in the organization. In fact, I was the only one of the small group who had already been doing the particular job. Everyone else had to figure out what their role meant beyond the description. Since I tend to go deep, I was highly engaged in the organization and knew almost as much as the project manager in charge.
The ironic part is someone else in the group does speak at a whisper and I cannot hear him and I would say something. One of the guys pushing me to be louder would laugh, at me. No one pushed the other person, though. Even now I have a hard time hearing what he says.
I Still Have The Fear
From the beginning, I wanted to be a part of the decision making voices of this organization. I see it as something special when the inclusivity of it works. The first chance to be a part of the “steering” committee came when you signed up to be a charter member within the first few months of membership. The policies that we are and have been creating match the goal of inclusivity. The culture is starting to change. We’re not done yet, though.
As much as I have wanted to be a part of this, there is still the fear that when I do speak up, it won’t matter.
It won’t matter because I (Stacy) am the one speaking and depending on how I personally am viewed, someone louder or who thinks they have more pull will stomp over everything.
That my voice, whether as a woman or as a person, is inconsequential compared to the people who are “obviously” in charge. Doing the work is not enough, especially if people cannot “see” what I have done.
Sometimes the transparency does not matter, and it is how it is, not only in my head.
In a regular place of work, this can get you fired. It’s not that you are doing anything wrong. It’s that you don’t “fit.” The risk has not stopped me here. It’s not like I will lose the paycheck since it’s volunteer work. I was accepted for the role as the first one who volunteered. By the time I leave the role or the organization, I want to know that there was a value in my efforts and I would definitely be a future choice.
After working in the banking industry with a boss hired to get rid of people, I’ll take the guys pushing me to talk louder over that type of manager any day. I can tell they care about me AND the organization.
Communication is Key
Having a different opinion doesn’t make one better than the other. The goal is to get all of that information and then make the best decision. I am thankful that I have been pushed to speak up louder and clearer. Most of the time, I feel like I am being heard. Sometimes, things need to be clarified. That’s ok because there is usually a better outcome.
The more we communicate the better the chance we’ll be heard with the points we meant to share.
As the number of people increases who act like they want to hear (or read) what I have to say, the more I want to make sure I am taking a turn at making statements.
I do not do this to hear myself.
It’s the reactions which are important.
I am thankful for the personal growth in this experience.
What do you do when you feel you are not being heard?
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