Finding It Hard To Bond With My Daughter
Did she ruin our family?
This is a very difficult topic for me to write, I have a 20-year-old son from a previous relationship (that is a story for another time) a 3-year-old daughter, and a 1-year-old daughter. My son who is 20 is currently living in Oxford, England studying Japanese, and of course, our two girls live at home with my wife and me.
We had a great family unit, the day my first daughter was born I fell in love with her, she was beautiful, my flesh and blood, a miracle, I felt very blessed. I also felt a bit sad that my parents would never see my baby girl, having passed away a few years before.
My wife had a quick birth, my daughter was delivered in one hour and 28 minutes from the moment we arrived in the hospital, my mother-in-law had only just finished baking a cake she started as we left.
I saw the birth, at the business end and cut the umbilical cord, how brave was I? My wife of course was the hero, we were the perfect little family, it was now my responsibility to make sure it stayed that way.
I remember her first-word “flower” which caught us all by surprise, her first step was in the front room, my wife did not believe me, she was in the kitchen at the time.
I remember sitting watching “In the night garden” moving my finger around the palm of her hand singing the theme tune with tears in my eyes, I was just so happy, it was a moment I will never forget.
When she told me that I was her best friend, my heart melted and when she got upset that mummy was married to daddy, the tears and the screams, she wanted to marry daddy, it just wasn’t fair.
She is the apple of my eye, she can do no wrong, my wife is always telling me I am too soft on her. My daughter knows how to play on my heartstrings. “Daddy you are my best friend, will you…” My response is always “yes of course my big girl”
The only problem she has ever given me is when it comes to teeth brushing time, now that is another story.
Then, my wife fell pregnant again, oh dear, this is going to change the dynamics. I was not sure from the start about having another child, my wife wanted our daughter to have a friend to play with and grow up with, that made perfect sense of course, but I was happy with the way things were.
I am not sure I wanted another child, but it was too late, the seed had been sown, what was I going to do? My wife was busy planning the new arrival and I felt less than pleased, was she going to spoil our family unit?
I had a boy and a girl already, no need for any more in my eyes, my wife knew there was an issue from the start, but was not sure how to deal with it, telling me it will be ok when she is born, look how you are with our first daughter (I don’t want to mention her name).
I was not convinced, what I did know is it was not the new baby's fault, I knew it was my issue and something I had to deal with, but how? I spoke to a close male friend of mine who had two daughters already, he could tell there was trouble ahead and gave me the best advice he could.
Another friend of mine who had a son was pragmatic in his approach and again tried to convince me it will all work out ok in the end. I was having none of it, I knew I was the one in the wrong, but I just could not shake the feeling.
I felt ashamed of how I was feeling, so refused professional help, I had talked to my mates, that was embarrassing enough, they probably felt bad for me, not that they had told me that.
The big day arrived, my wife's experience of labor this time was very different, however, I will save that for another story, our new baby daughter was born. Right what to do next, I was trying to be practical, you know getting things organized, I was asked to cut the cord and reluctantly did so.
I wanted to get away as soon as I could, the midwife handed me my newborn, I felt this was pre-meditated and went along with it, the room felt uneasy, I did what I thought was right and handed her back, using the excuse I am not good with “new ones”.
To say the first week was hard is an understatement, my paternity leave could not end soon enough, I knew that I could spend lots of time in work “providing for the family”, the truth being I did not want to be at home. I felt sick, and I knew this was my issue.
I felt so guilty that my firstborn daughter may think I had stopped loving her if I held the new baby, I wanted her to have my love, with my first daughter I went in at the deepened, gave her the first bath, changed her first nappy, etc.
With my second daughter, I was forced into holding her and it took me nearly eight months to change a nappy, I needed help, enough was enough. I felt guilty for not spending time with her, and guilty for my firstborn if I did.
My wife and I decided to book a family holiday, the idea was we would be away from our everyday environment, and it would give me time to try and bond with our newborn.
To some degree it worked, I found myself protecting her when she fell and picking her up when she cried, I think at home my wife would have taken over, but on holiday she had more patients with me.
The snowball had started to roll, I was making progress and I could see the happiness in my wife's eyes, my firstborn daughter also noticed and I think it was her blessing I was really asking for.
I remember asking me if I loved mummy, “yes” I said, do you love me? “of course my darling” do you love (my firstborn daughter's name?) I paused, not knowing what to say, with the question she had asked, her eyes were happy, she was holding my hand (I swear for comfort) I took a deep breath and said “Yes”.
I am not convinced at that point I did, however, I was very emotional and cuddled them both into my arms, I remember taking another deep breath and saying “yes” again.
I can tell you now 17 months in I absolutely adore my second-born daughter, she is very different from my first, polar opposite personality, she makes me smile every day and I always tell her “I love her” and I do now actually mean it.
The funny thing is my second daughter is very similar to me and this is what I find so funny about her, she is 100% part of me, her attitude is like mine, her facial expressions are like mine. I am so pleased and blessed she is mine and I now worship her also.
I can’t help but feel bad for the way I felt, I am not sure why it happened, I am gutted that it did happen, what I do know is that we came through it as a family and I am very grateful for the support I had through this very difficult time.
Written by Robert Ralph
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