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Fighting With More Than Facts

Feedback on: “Fighting with More than Fists: The Stories of Joe Louis & Jack Johnson”

In these articles, feedback is provided on stories submitted by brave writers looking to learn and grow. Comments will be provided on anything from title and pictures, to grammar, language, and cohesion. All feedback is meant to help both the original author and anyone else reading this, and general writing tips will be highlighted.

I want to start this feedback session by giving thanks to the very courageous authors who have all submitted stories for me to review. Never underestimate the nerve-racking experience of giving a complete stranger carte blanche to be brutally honest about something you created. And it gives me the pleasure of getting to read a very(!) wide array of stories from fiction to politics, to history, and personal stories. It is an absolute pleasure, so thank you!

Today’s fearless author is Javad Luckey, with the amazing story of the two great boxers Joe Louis and Jack Johnson.

The feedback I will provide on this story will seem very short, compared to the length of the story itself — and that is a good sign! In essence, I have very little to comment on as it is a very solid and well-written piece. But let me still zoom in on a few key details.

This is a historical piece, which places a few restraints on the writer, which I think Javad navigates beautifully. For one, a historical piece like this can be daunting and offputting for many readers of today as we are conditioned to expect the written equivalent of junk food: no effort needed, easily digested, and mostly air. This means that you need to get the reader hooked — and quickly! Javad does this beautifully with the combination of three key elements done well: Title, feature image, and intro.

Tip 1: In general, and especially if writing a slightly “heavy” piece, ensure the following:

A fetching title

A great feature image “above the fold” (no scrolling needed)

A strong intro that explains WHY we should care to read the rest of the story

The title is intriguing without being deceptive. Also, it sounds sophisticated and matches the style of the story. And don’t get me started on that amazing choice of feature image:

On to the story itself. As it recounts the stories of two great persons, it’s straightforward to split the story in two. Javad did this, BUT ingeniously reorganizes the story: Counterintuitively, the first part is about the latter of the two, then his story is paused midway to use the story of the former as context for what happens next. Very well done!

Tip 2: Be creative in your sequencing! Relating a story (historical or personal) in strict chronological order can seem dull and predictable. Doing a few jumps back and forward in time will allow you to wake up the reader and place related topics in a sequence that provides the best effect.

Reading on, the story is interesting. A slight flaw, in the otherwise great story, is that the interest in the story comes mostly from the topic itself (and the great structuring mentioned above), but not from the writing itself. While a historical piece calls for somewhat of a serious tone, the entire thing reads like a classroom history book. A well-written and engaging history book, but a history book nonetheless. This is too bad because I am sure Javad is able to lift the content even higher.

Tip 3: Even when treating a serious topic, allow your personality to shine through — without outshining the content itself. It’s a fine line, but it’s worth trying to hit that sweet spot.

And now that we are on the topic of personality, I want to add that it is not like Javad is not shining through at all. The choice of pictures later in the story shows his personal love of sports cards. The story also ends with a link to a video that goes further into his personal area of interest. So it’s only in the writing itself that Javad might be holding back a little too much in order to strike that serious “history-tone”.

The combination of quotes from news stories of the time, and the autobiography of Jack Johnson, along with a number of verifiable facts such as precise years, etc. lends an air of authority to the piece. This is not only well-written and nicely structured but also thoroughly researched. The facts alone would not be enough to make me offer such high praise for this piece. The craftsmanship of the writing is what makes this more than just a history lesson. This is what makes it a “history experience”!

Summary

Title

Very clever and sophisticated title that matches the content and style of the story well.

Pictures

Amazing choice of pictures from the featured image and the news story, to the more personal choices of sports cards.

Formatting

Segmenting the story into an intro and a section for each boxer is good (especially combined with the exciting choice of sequencing). However, the last section on Jack Johnson is a little long and could have been divided into two for an improved reading experience.

Grammar

No comments. Great grammar.

Links and Citations

When dipping your toe into “factual writing”, one thing that can take it to another level is proper citations. While I trust what you write is true, citation of your sources would have elevated this story to all new heights.

Language

This is a very compelling story. You could have let your personality shine through a little more without damaging the integrity of the piece. If this is the worst I can say about your writing, you are doing pretty great!

Cohesion and Cadence

Great structuring! A very cohesive and enjoyable read, with steady pacing. Your choice of starting with half of Joe Louis’ story, then pausing to recount the story of Jack Johnson for added context to the rest of Joe Louis’ story was very clever!

For more writing tips, read:

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