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So Many Thoughts, So Little Time

Feedback on: “The American color revolution”

In these articles, feedback is provided on stories submitted by brave writers looking to learn and grow. Comments will be provided on anything from title and pictures, to grammar, language, and cohesion. All feedback is meant to help both the original author and anyone else reading this, and general writing tips will be highlighted.

The story I have on my dissecting table today is a very different beast from what has been treated so far. This is a chimera of a history lesson and political commentary, written by Ashley St. Claire. This means that I should start with somewhat of a caveat: I am no expert in either history (American or otherwise) or politics (again, American or otherwise). I will focus mainly on the reading experience of this piece and less on the actual content or message.

So let’s begin!

The piece starts with a reference to a current event with a strong picture to boot. Ashley manages to sneak in a zinger or backhanded compliment to the democrats from the very beginning: “A speech which demonstrated Democrats are not spineless after all”. This sets the scene and establishes a clear style from Ashley at the very beginning.

Then, Ashley moves on to quote a very strong part of President Biden’s speech. This is a powerful beginning to the story.

Tip 1: Ensure a strong start to your story through a clear statement of your style (e.g. a joke in the beginning if you aim to be funny), and using someone else’s powerful statement can be a great trick to loan some added “oomph!”

The header that comes right after provides a great sequel from current events to the light history lesson that ensues. We get a couple of paragraphs of decent walkthrough but when the Tea Party movement is mentioned things start to get a little less polished.

We get a quote from a “Michael Ray” without explaining who that is or where or when the quote is from. Also, the quote is full of links (which I assume were not part of the original quote). Lastly, one link is for the Britannica article on the United States. I dare say that an explainer of “the United States” is not necessary in a piece treating current affairs in- and history of- American politics.

Tip 2: When quoting someone, make sure to give at least an ultra short intro to who the person is whom you are quoting, as well as where or when the quote is from.

Tip 3: While adding links to reputable sources is a common SEO trick, when quoting someone, please don’t add links frivolously.

After the quote to describe the Tea Party movement, it seems Ashley takes a tangent to discuss how it’s important not to demonize the other side, and to stay open for debate and disagreement. While I approve of her stance, this tangent seems out of place for a section that was supposed to provide a little background. A few paragraphs later, we return to the Tea Party as though nothing happened and the story continues.

Tip 4: Make sure to read through your story and organize your points in such a way that you provide a smooth, cohesive reading experience.

Then we have another quote, this time beautifully introduced with a simple and subtle “…writing for The Huffington Post stated…” showing that the person quoted is a writer and indicating where the quote might be found. However, the quote is again accessorized with links, one of which is to a highly disconcerting source for no apparent reason.

A little later, we get to the topic that the story is named for. The last header of the piece indicates that it will describe what a color revolution is. However, very little clarity is provided, except to say that it is something that American governments have allegedly thrust upon other nations throughout history. A rather long segment seems dedicated to just listing institutions, with very little clarity on what is meant to be indicated by this list.

We end off the piece by coming to the conclusion that seems to be the main message of the author: That America is finally tasting its own medicine. The last sentence is well written and very powerful:

Finally, President Trump and his followers have blessed America with its own brand of the color revolution. — Ashley St. Claire

However, it would have been much more powerful if it had concluded an otherwise cohesive, clear, and easily read story.

Tip 5: Being an expert in a given area is a blessing and a curse. You can have so much knowledge, and so many important messages and details you want to get in there, that they clutter the overall picture. Make sure to go for a clear, concise message.

I recognize that the topic is not easy to write about and also that I am definitely not the target audience. I believe there is a great and important message (if not several messages) buried in this piece that wants to come out. I feel it just needs a little more help, in the form of structure and clarity, to reach the awareness of the reader.

Summary

Title

Intriguing title. Consider using title case.

Pictures

Great picture to set the scene and complement the intro of the story.

Formatting

Very well formatted, with an appropriate length of sections. The story as a whole is neatly divided into parts, each with a descriptive header.

Grammar

Very few typos, and in general great grammar and sentence structure.

Links and Citations

While I love seeing links added to a story, I feel they should not be placed in quotes. Also, please make sure to add relevant links that add depth to the story and provide an option for interested readers to go deeper.

Language

The language is a little dry and feels much like reading a news story. While this is likely intended, the sections I enjoyed the most were the places the real Ashley shun through. Go ahead and show more of yourself in your writing. This is not a news agency, but a blogging platform.

Cohesion and Cadence

This is where I feel this story needs some more love and attention. I believe you are a victim of your own expertise. So many details seem to come to mind like stray thoughts, and the reader simply loses track of the point you are trying to make. You jump in and out of historical walkthroughs and philosophical/political points, and so on. The title of the story, combined with the very last sentence shows what your key message was all along — but it was a bit of a long and windy road to get there. I believe you can have great success with your stories if you work a little more on structure and clarity, as it seems obvious to me that you have a lot of deep, meaningful content to provide.

For more writing tips, read:

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