Feeling Lost and Finding Writing

How an ill-intentioned gift changed my life

A notebook landed in my lap- an event which surprisingly inspired me to become a better version of myself. It prompted a paradigm shift of sorts.

I never would have imagined that such a simple act could change my life for the better, but it did.

In order to explain why this gift meant so much to me, I need to first describe my decade-long obsession with finding the ‘perfect career-’my deep-seated desire to find a career fueled by passion.

Maybe it’s because I put my career on hold to raise my children that I’ve succumb to ruminating over the what if of starting over from scratch, of scrapping my old career entirely, in order to reinvent myself.

The endlessly mundane tasks of being a stay-at-home parent have provided me with ample opportunity for self reflection- a silver lining indeed.

And although I’m happy with the choices I’ve made as a parent, admittedly, I’ve been thinking about returning to work since my oldest was only a few months old.

Going back to my roots seems the most obvious path given I’ve already put in the work of establishing a career, but it doesn’t feel like the most exciting choice nor does it seem the most fulfilling.

My past experiences have become jaded by family life. Working for someone else no longer seems ‘good enough,’ it doesn’t promote the type of life I want to live.

Honestly, I want what my husband has.

Ten years ago I created an OkCupid account with zero expectations and a million questions that needed answering. I was new to the online dating world and completely clueless about its inner workings.

I remember constructing my profile and detailing my desire to meet someone who was passionate about their work, regardless of their chosen career path.

Then I became a parent, and my perspective changed.

Having a career I’m passionate about, and expecting the same from my partner, suddenly felt like a flamboyant prerequisite for a ‘good life.’

In the grand scheme of things, I realized, it no longer mattered. As a parent, there are more important career factors to consider; flexibility, mobility, autonomy, pay.

My husband, for example, has a lot of autonomy in his work and I admire that. He’s a one-man show, running and operating his own business. He makes good money, makes his own hours and loves what he does. I’ve come to realize I want to construct a similar situation for myself.

He’s also been doing what he does for twenty-five years. I guess there’s something to be said for longevity.

I loved my former career-I set out to help people and I achieved that.

But I had very little control over my schedule, my pay or my day-to-day activities. There wasn’t much room for upward mobility and I had no say in who I spent my days with.

With age and time, I’ve developed a better understanding of what makes me ‘tick’ and what I find fulfilling and I simply can’t go back to working towards another person’s vision.

Right now, my family is my main focus. I want to spend as much time with my kids as possible while they’re young. Working from home and working for myself seems the most obvious way to achieve this.

And from an egotistical standpoint, I want to prove to myself I can build a successful career from scratch- build a career without the addition of another college degree- without the comfort of guidance that accompanies higher education.

I fully own that this is a privileged perspective.

Many people feel content simply being employed, earning minimum wage.

Many people live in survivor mode and don’t have goals outside of earning a weekly paycheck and providing for their families.

I get it. Life is hard enough- why complicate things by wanting more?

But we live in an age of readily-available information and I find myself wondering if I have what it takes to pull off something new.

Ruminating for years over ‘my next move’ has done my head in. I’ve spent the better part of a decade searching and encountering multiple dead ends.

So, after I turned forty, I finally gave up. I had had enough (this sounds a lot more dramatic than it actually was). But, truthfully, after a ‘failed’ attempt at a real estate career, I was both mentally and emotionally exhausted. Nothing felt right. Nothing seemed like a suitable ‘fit.’

But you know how people say, once you stop looking, you’ll find what you’re looking for?

Well, this concept rang true for me.

And now, I finally feel like I’m headed in the right direction.

My next move came out of left field and completely took me by surprise.

And it all started with a notebook.

I was given a notebook as a belated birthday gift. It was a ‘gift’ given to me by someone I don’t particularly care for- someone who uses gifts as a form of manipulation and who doesn’t have my best interest at heart.

Regardless, I graciously accepted the gift and expressed gratitude without divulging my skepticism.

At the time, this person had been consuming my mind more than I cared to admit. I couldn’t stop thinking about her rude comments and behaviors and, in a way, I was letting her get the best of me.

But once I received the ‘gift,’ I vowed to use it to do something positive.

Because there’s no better ‘revenge’ than living a good life- taking something seemingly negative and turning it into a positive is my idea of exacting revenge.

That’s when I came up with the idea of career journaling.

Not a profound idea, I know. But it changed the way I viewed my future. In a way, it changed my thought process. I had a new way of doing things and over the course of the few months that followed, it changed how I viewed my situation as a whole.

Finally, the self-imposed pressure was off. Because the only rule I made for myself during this time was to write down at least one interesting idea each day and to continue doing so until there were no empty pages left in the notebook.

These ideas mainly consisted of things I wanted to learn, random bits of information that inspired me or piqued my interest, career paths and entrepreneurial stories I admired.

After jotting down ideas for three months straight, I kept coming back to the same three concepts: blogging, creating a newsletter and writing an ebook. Writing had become the common thread.

So here I am.

A few months ago, I had no idea I’d be writing on Medium. It seems so obvious now, but I had no intention of writing anything- never viewed myself worthy of becoming a writer.

After years of tormenting myself, relentlessly searching for answers, setting unnecessary timelines, making excuses and waiting for ‘signs’ from the universe (seriously), I finally released that burden.

And once I did, a notebook entered my life and single-handedly shifted my perspective.

Once I let go of negativity and took an alternative approach to searching, I discovered patterns that were no longer serving me and began recognizing thought processes that had become unhealthy.

I let all of it go- I released myself of those burdens.

Instead of loathing the gifted journal for the intention behind it, I decided to see the gift’s potential and use it to propel me forward.

And in the process, I came to a deeper understanding of myself.

Sure, writing isn’t going to pay the bills (at least not any time soon). But I found something I enjoy, something I want to do daily, something I can do while still being with my children and something that has potential to grow legs and take me somewhere if I’m consistent and focused on improving.

Am I passionate about writing? No, not yet. But I really, really enjoy it.

And I’m beginning to wonder if passion is overrated. Maybe passion doesn’t appear until after years of hard work and learning have taken place.

Do we become passionate about a subject or career only once we become an expert, or is passion the beginning, fueling a desire toward expertise?

Either way, longevity has never been my strong suit. Jumping from idea to each new idea has been my downfall, in a way.

But with age comes wisdom and acceptance- I’ve accepted the fact that passion doesn’t have to be the catalyst. I’ve accepted that longevity rules over passion and that, if I’m lucky and if I stay the course, passion, money and the potential for a fulfilling career will eventually find me.

At least, this is my hope.