Fear Regret More Than You Fear Failure

3 Fears That Will Haunt Your Progress

Fear of the judgment. Fear of failure. Fear of Success

Fear is one of the most debilitating emotions we experience. It has been the subject of religious teachings, philosophical writings and motivational speakers.

It has the power to paralyze us. In 1933 Sir Edmund Hillary was one of the first two to reach the summit of Mount Everest. Later in his life in speaking of that accomplishment he said:

“It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.”

Think about how different his life would have been if he had allowed fear of what was at that time considered to be unconquerable quest, to paralyze him.

In the years since that time over 4000 people have followed in his footsteps and summitted Mount Everest. When we see someone else triumph over our fears, it lights the fire of hope within us that we too can accomplish that.

We associate the word haunt with spooky things on Halloween or physical places we frequent. Think about it as emotional places you frequent that can be be scary and spooky. That is exactly what fear is. It is a spooky and scary emotional place.

The 3 Fears That Will Haunt Your Progress are The Fear of Judgment, The Fear of Failure and The Fear of Success.

It seems crazy the we could fear both failure and success when they are polar opposites yet it is often the case. But first …

The #1 Fear that Will Haunt Your Progress is the Fear of Judgment.

The fear of judgment comes from two sources. The first is our fear of being judged by others. Much of this stems from those childhood stories I talked about in this article.

When you hear that incessant chirping in the back of your head saying you can’t do that … or something similar … it leaves you inclined to fear that people in your life today will laugh at you and smugly say …you can’t do that.

We all desire to be respected by the people in our lives. We want them to believe in us and to encourage us. Their appreciation of what we working to accomplish is as nourishing to our psyche as water is to a parched plant.

There is an old saying about we wouldn’t worry about what people though about us, if we only realized how little time they spent thinking about us.

Why are we so concerned about others opinions? Because we are human. It’s as simple as that.

We forget about how rarely we think about what other people are doing when we are focused on what we are doing. Likewise when they are focused on what they are doing, they rarely think about what we are doing.

Then there are those who are doing nothing … and consequently they are looking to tear down others who are actually doing something. Why should we pay attention to what they are saying?

The fact is we shouldn’t, so why do we? Because we are human. When we step back and objectively look at what is being said and by whom, we recognize that it really belongs in the garbage can, but that is so much easier said than done.

Why do people judge others? Why do people bully others? Why do they seek to put others down in the work place or in social situations? It is all about them.

When they are insecure in their own capabilities and accomplishments they believe they can elevate themselves by demeaning another. It may be successful in the short term but it never stands the test of time in the long term.

Then there is what we call constructive criticism. It is judgment, but it comes from a place of wanting to help us be better and do better. It may be uncomfortable and even hurtful but it is important to hear it and distinguish it from the bullying and condescending judgments referenced above.

The second source of judgement is the judging of ourselves. This begins with those pesky voices in the back of your head. You know the ones. The one that says you failed the last time you tried this, what makes you think this time will be any different? Or perhaps, it says that’s stupid. You’re stupid. Stupid is as stupid does.

Your mindset is prepped for failure. You are judging yourself out of the gate. Perhaps you have a standard you expect to meet. Is that standard realistic for the task? Are you expecting perfection when perfection is unrealistic? If you are you, will always judge yourself as coming up short.

Have you heard the expression “better done than perfect”. Perfectionism is one of the great rationalizations for procrastination. This is not to rationalize a carelessly done project but rather to create a realistic framework for completion.

This leads to the

The #2 Fear that Will Haunt Your Progress is the Fear of Failure.

The first thing to consider is what constitutes failure and who defines it?

Perhaps this goes back to our school years. The dreaded “F”. We failed math or … It was a clear assessment that we had not done a minimally adequate job of learning the subject matter at hand.

So what does it look like in adulthood?

You failed to get the job you were interviewing for.

You failed to get the date with that hot guy or girl you are crazy about.

You made an offer on a house you really wanted and it wasn’t accepted. You failed to get your dream house.

These things are all hurtful. They are disappointing. It is so easy in these circumstances to feel as though you have failed …. again. Then there is that calliope of voices in the back of your head saying deal with it …you failed again.

But you didn’t fail. This wasn’t about choices you made that led to your “failure”.

As far as the job is concerned … consider the possibility that it will turn out to be a blessing. It is their loss in choosing to go in another direction and something better for you is just around the corner.

As for that hot guy or girl you are attracted to … are they really someone who has the personality and character of someone you want to build a relationship with or are they just hot? After all you deserve more than hot … you deserve quality.

Your offer on the house wasn’t accepted … perhaps some crazy person offered more that it was worth and they will be in a muddle when the appraisal comes back at a lower valuation than their offer.

These examples may resonate with you or not. Here is the only thing that matters. These things are all outside of your control. They are not your failures. Don’t own them. Toss them in the garbage where they belong.

That does not entitle you to a “Failure Pass”

Think in terms of school. You were given a hall pass for a specific purpose at a specific time.

You will fail. I will fail.

We all fail at times.

Here is the key.

Own it.

Learn from it.

Pick yourself up and press forward.

Sometimes failure is the result of shooting for the sun and only reaching the moon. But that is not really failure because if you had not shot for the sun you would probably not have reached the moon. Pat yourself on the back for reaching the moon and then chart another course to take you the rest of the way to the sun.

The “gap vs the gain” is a perfect example of this. You set a goal. You will lose 20 lbs. in 90 days. At the end of the 90 days you have only lost 15. You begin to beat yourself up because you failed to reach your goal. You are focused on the 5 lbs. you didn’t lose (the gap). Step back and give yourself credit for the 15 you did lose (the gain — you reached the moon not the sun). Set another goal to lose the additional 5 (to reach the sun).

Greatness is always preceded by failure. Louis Pasteur said:

“Let me tell you my secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity.”

Tenacity, perseverance, the unwillingness to give up these are the characteristics of success.

Do not fear failure. Embrace failure for what it is. When used wisely our are failures are the stepping stones to our greatest success.

The #3 Fear that Will Haunt Your Progress is the Fear of Success

It seems counterintuitive that we could fear failure and also fear success.

The single biggest driver of the fear of success is the feeling of being unworthy of success. At it’s core that is the same thing that drives the fear of failure. When we feel unworthy, failure is a more comfortable prospect than success.

Ponder for a moment some of the additional reasons we might fear success

I’ll lose friends because they will be jealous.

People will only pay attention to me because I’m successful. I won’t know who my true friends are.

People will treat me differently.

I won’t know how to act and deal with other people’s expectations.

Change is scary. It is uncomfortable.

Imposter Syndrome.

Need I go on?

What do all of these things have in common. Go back to Fear #1 … The Fear of Judgement … other people’s judgments and our own judgments.

To move beyond your fear of success, define what success looks like to you. So many of the fears about success that are listed above are based on society’s definition of success. This is just one of the reasons why it is essential to have your personal definition of success.

Go ahead and fear society’s definition of success if you must but embrace your unique definition of success. You can learn more about that in The 7 Pillars of a Happy & Successful Life which you can here.

Why will that make a difference?

While it’s possible friends will be jealous, generally they will have seen your passion for what made you successful before you became successful. Having watched your journey including your blood, sweat and tears along the way that will make a difference in their attitude and their perception of your success.

What about people will only pay attention to me because I’m successful? When you master Pillar #7 Relationships in The 7 Pillars you will have activated your BS detector and be able to distinguish between genuine relationships based on mutual respect and superficial relationships which are transactionable at best.

You may be concerned that people will treat you differently. It’s possible. This is largely determined by how you present yourself. Are you authentic or are you too busy reading your press releases?

I won’t know how to act … so learn. Look at successful people you admire. What is it about how they act that you admire?

It’s true change is scary. It is uncomfortable.

John D. Rockefeller Sr. said:

“It requires a better type of mind to seek out and and support or create the new than follow the worn paths of accepted success.”

This is about creating your unique definition of success and working to achieve it not striving for society’s definition of success. Here is the thing, following your dream is more comfortable and less scary because it is your dream. You are so focused on something you are passionate about there is no time and space to be scared and uncomfortable.

Then there is that old bugaboo “The Imposter Syndrome”. That belief that you are a fake, that you are not worthy. Whatever you create or accomplish is real. It is legitimate. There is nothing fake about it.

There is only one requirement for worthiness. Be honorable. Be honest in your dealings with yourself and with others.

Don’t live with regrets. Don’t die with regrets. Regret is always the result of a choices we have made. It is either things we wish we hadn’t done or things we wish we had done.

You can’t change yesterday. If you need to make amends for something you did yesterday, then do it today.

If you have a dream don’t allow fear to create tomorrow’s regrets.

Step out. Step up. Kick fear to the curb.