The First Pillar of Success is to Truly Know Yourself

3 Absolutely Essential Reasons to Know Yourself

Knowing Yourself is the Foundation to Turning Your Dreams into Your Reality

If I were to ask you if you knew yourself you would probably look at me like I was crazy. Of course you know yourself. You have hung out with yourself for xxxx years. But step back a moment and think about all of the people that you know.

You could make lists of family members, personal friends, people you work with, people at service providers you use, people you attend church with, people in your neighborhood and more.

I suspect that you know more about them in many instances than that you truly know them. You know what they look like, what their job is, how they spend their spare time etc….but enough about them….this is all about you.

So … What are the 3 Absolutely Essential Reasons to Really Know Yourself?

Reason #1 Stop Living on Auto-Pilot Right Now

Think about auto-pilot. The pilot is there but he has engaged a mechanical substitute to fly the plane in his place. He can over-ride it and take back control at any moment, however it allows him to focus on something else rather than paying attention to the nuances of flying the plane.

He may be anticipating how he will handle turbulence up ahead or any one of a thousand other things, some related to the flight and others perhaps not so much.

So how does this apply to life? Habits are a form of auto-pilot. They are things we do without conscious thought.

Things like brushing your teeth in the morning are examples of good habits that exist on auto-pilot. They don’t require conscious thought leading to a decision. We can even think about something else while we are brushing our teeth and it will not be to our detriment. In these cases auto-pilot serves us well.

Then there are habits again on auto-pilot, that don’t necessarily serve us well. For example, how often in a stressful situation have you heard someone say “I need chocolate” or “I need a drink” or something similar? These habits are “auto-pilot” reactions.

These “auto-pilot” reactions, whether positive or negative, are choices that at some point we have made, and we have effectively programmed them into our psyche, so that we do them without even thinking about it.

Auto-pilot keeps us firmly in our comfort zone. There are times when being in our comfort zone is a good place to be …. like brushing your teeth every morning. Unfortunately these sort of situations tend to be the exception.

Most of the time we spend on auto-pilot in our comfort zone tends to be to our detriment. There is no such thing as stagnation in life. We are either progressing or we are regressing. The increments at which we do so may be tiny, but they are nevertheless real and compound over time.

Going back to the example about stress “I need chocolate” is an auto-pilot response we have created. It is a habit which we no longer think about. If we stopped and thought about it our response might be, ”I feel frustrated and chocolate will anesthetize me for a moment and it sure will taste good, but I know I will get a sugar rush and then crash. At that point I will feel even more stressed … perhaps a walk around the block would be a better choice.”

When we disconnect auto-pilot we allow reason and logic to enter the decision making process. We may wind up saying I know I will regret eating this chocolate bar but I am choosing to do so anyway. Even in that moment we recognize that it is a poor choice but we are consciously making it and accepting responsibility for doing so.

Here is the bottom line in this example, when we choose things consciously we make better decisions. Not 100% of the time but even if we make better decisions just 5% of the time we are still better off. Here’s the good news. The longer you focus on making conscious decisions the more the percentage of good decisions increases. That is a win from any perspective.

So what does this have to do with getting to know yourself?

When you are living in your comfort zone on auto-pilot you are disconnected from your heart, your soul and even your mind. You are not living life. You are simply going through the motions. It may protect you from hurtful experiences, but it will also protect you from joyful ones.

You really don’t know yourself any better than you know the casual acquaintance from the neighborhood. You might know how many kids he has. You know how many kids you have. You may know where he works and what he does. You certainly know where you work and what you do.

It would be really surprising for you to know about his hopes and dreams, let alone his plans to get there. But do you know your hopes and dreams with absolute clarity and do you have a plan to get there? Are you working your plan?

If not, you really don’t know yourself any better than you know your neighbor.

That is a scary thought don’t you think? The price of living on auto-pilot is an internal disconnect from everything that makes life worth living and that is way too high of a price to pay.

Save auto-pilot for things like brushing your teeth. Conscious choices will be a new way of thinking. Nevertheless it is an essential first step in getting to know yourself.

Reason # 2 Know Your Story & What it Tells You About Who You Are

We all have multiple stories. Stories of achievement. Stories of failure. Stories of hurt, rejection and more. Each of those stories leave a mark on our psyche.

Many of those stories leave a legacy of voices that play out on a continuous loop in the back of our minds. For others the voices may pop up indiscriminately.

Perhaps you played little league baseball and your parents were there at each game to cheer you on. When you got a hit you could hear their cheers above all of the others. When you struck out they were sending tangible waves of love and pride your way, even as you slowly walked back to the bench.

Verbally and through their actions they were sending messages that said, we are proud of you. You will not always succeed but there is no failure in doing your best and not succeeding.

Think of how that message would empower you throughout your life. To know that those who you love the most believe in you, are proud of you and love and support you unconditionally.

You would be comfortable with taking risks, just as you were when you swung at all those pitches that you missed years ago. Each time you swung and missed you had the opportunity to learn something that would make you a better hitter the next time you came up to bat.

Each time you miss in life (fail) it is simply another learning opportunity on the road to success. Think of the famous quote from Albert Einstein when he was working on what would become the electric light bulb. He said:

“I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

Now let’s take a look at a different scenario. You grew up in an abusive environment. Nothing you ever did was good enough. Your father was an abusive alcoholic. You mother lived in a perpetual state of fear. All you ever heard was how you didn’t measure up.

Outside of the home he was a prominent and successful businessman. You live in a lovely home in a nice neighborhood. That was what the world saw. Behind the door it was a whole different story. You knew you couldn’t reach out for help because no on would believe you.

If you got an A, it still wasn’t good enough. Why didn’t you get an A+? Anything less than an A would guarantee a whipping with his belt.

You were responsible for cooking dinner one night a week for your parents and younger siblings. If he decided he didn’t like it, he would throw everything on the floor while screaming it was slop not fit for human consumption.

At this point your mother would be cowering in the corner as your younger siblings whimpered with hunger and you were expected to clean up the mess.

All you ever heard was how stupid you were and how you could never do anything right. Fast forward to adulthood. What is your self perception about taking the risk to do anything?

Compare these two legacies. Imagine two equally intelligent and talented individuals starting similar projects simultaneously with these differing legacies. How do you anticipate the end results would compare?

So, what part of your story is truly yours to own?

In the first scenario you played little league baseball … own it

Sometimes you got a hit, or even a home run. Sometime you struck out … own it

Your parents supported you in healthy ways … they didn’t tell you that you were the greatest player ever and destined for major league stardom … own it and be grateful

Even as a child you understood that whether you succeeded or failed (having done your best) did not define you value as a human being … own it

In the second scenario you grew up in an abusive dysfunctional family … own it.

You are responsible for the dysfunction and abuse because you were so stupid .. incompetent …or… reject it! That is someone else’s story they want to project onto you.

You are not good enough … even an A is not enough … reject it! That is not your story. It is all about someone else and their story.

You are even a failure at cooking a simple meal for your family … reject it! That is not your story. It is all about someone else and their story.

It was your fault that your mother was cowering in the corner and that your younger siblings were whimpering with hunger … reject it! That is not your story. It is about someone else and their story.

You are stupid. You are incompetent. You are worthless. You will never amount to anything … Absolutely reject it! That is not your story. It is about someone else and their story.

You Might Ask How are these things not a part of my story?

Your story is about who you are. It is about the choices you have made. Own those things. All of the other stuff (like what was rejected above) is not your story. They are pieces that have been projected onto you by someone else.

No matter how many times you heard these thing they are not about you. They are about them and what was going on in their lives. The unfortunate part of this is that their voices and their lies about who you are became embedded in your self perception.

This is the first in a series of articles to help you get to know, love and respect who you are, not what anyone else in your life has said you are. That is about them and their perceptions. That is not to say we can’t learn and grow from others perceptions but that is a matter of personal choice.

Only you get to define you and write your story. This is never about playing the blame game. It is always about empowering you to dream and then do whatever is necessary to turn those dreams into reality.

Reason #3 Choose to Live With Authenticity

We hear lots about authenticity. It is a current buzzword. Everything is about being transparent and authentic. While that matters and there is a lot I could say about that, especially about people who try to appear to be authentic but are not.

Sometimes it is no more than a pretense and other times they genuinely think they are, but since they are not being authentic with themselves they are simply incapable of it.

I don’t know that I have ever heard about the importance of being authentic with yourself so this may be an entirely new concept for you. Yet Shakespeare beautifully articulated it in Hamlet when Polonius said:

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.

That is the essence of being authentic with yourself and it must precede your ability to be authentic with anyone else.

So what does being authentic with yourself look like?

It starts with honesty … truly seeing who you are warts and all.

What are the traits of character that you value? Do you exemplify them or are you a work in progress. Being a work in progress is fine … be honest with yourself about where you are as well as where you are headed.

Do you walk your talk? If you talk about the importance of a sugar free diet while having a hidden stash of candy bars you chow down on in secret, it doesn’t matter how great your talk is. Sooner or later you will be exposed as a hypocrite who doesn’t walk their talk, but even long before that you will know that you are a hypocrite and consequently inauthentic.

Now if you were to say choosing a sugar free life style is important because …… and doing so is something I still struggle with in spite of knowing how important it is …… then you are being authentic not only with others but also with yourself.

Think about your hopes and dreams. Do you share them with others or hold them close to your heart? Are they simply pipe dreams or are they goals you are actually working towards completing with a real plan to take you there.

Dreaming is fine. It is an enjoyable diversion or it can be the forerunner of serious goals. Either is fine …. as long as you are honest about which one it is. If it is a dream you share with others, simply share it as an enjoyable past time that provides a break from reality.

If you share it as it it is a goal you are working towards, when in fact that is not the case, you will ultimately be viewed by others as a bag of hot air and by yourself as a fraud.

If that dream gives birth to a serious goal you may want to hold it close until you are actually on your way, because you don’t want to listen to the naysayers. You may choose to share it with others with the anticipation they will support you and join with you in celebrating your progress. Either is fine, just be honest with yourself about your choice and why you are making that choice.

In holding it close you are being authentic with yourself. In sharing it you are being authentic with yourself and others, but you are under no obligation to share it in order to be authentic.

Authenticity starts with being authentic with yourself. Authenticity with others does not require you to be an open book at all times and under all circumstances. It just requires that you do not share only a part of the story, implying that it is the whole story.

Truly Knowing Yourself is Essential to Build a Secure Foundation on Which to Build Your Future.

When you step away from auto-pilot you have the opportunity to consciously choose your path forward in both big and little ways. So often it is consistency in small decisions that has a greater long term impact on our success than those less frequent larger decisions.

When you reject the stories that you have been told about yourself, that are really not about you but about someone else, you embrace the freedom to determine who you are and who you are becoming. This freedom of choice is the ultimate freedom.

When you become brutally honest and totally authentic with yourself choices are based on knowledge and clarity, not on the delusions and distortions of being viewed through rose colored glasses.

This is the first in a series of 6 articles about the First Pillar of a Happy & Successful Life. Click here to download the e-book on all 7 Pillars of a Happy & Successful Life.