Are you really listening?

How to be more focused in a world full of distractions

It is estimated that we touch our phones on average over 2,000 times in 24 hours. 2,617 times to be precise.

Everywhere you look, people are buried in their phones, in cafes, restaurants, and even at home at the dinner table.

People the world over are guilty of what has been described as ‘phubbing’, or simply put, ‘phone snubbing’ i.e., the act of snubbing someone in a social setting in favour of your cell phone.

It comes as no surprise that numerous studies have shown how this creates a barrier to meaningful communication and takes a toll on the quality of our relationships. Many a time leading to feelings of neglect and loneliness.

My home was no different and I found myself experiencing this, especially at mealtimes. Even if my children were not active on their phones, they kept them within reach, checking on and off, making it clear that being with the family wasn’t engaging enough to keep them happily occupied.

Eventually, I had to enforce a rule of strictly no phones at the dining table! Having brought up two different generations, being the proud mother of a millennial and two Gen Z teenagers raised on a diet of screens, the differences at home are crassly evident.

My 27-year-old is still somewhat old-school and picks up the phone to talk to family and friends, engaging in long, personal conversations.

In sharp contrast, I cannot recall my younger two ever picking up the phone to, heaven forbid, “talk” to their friends. In fact, just recently when I asked my 15-year old if she managed to clarify some confusion she had regarding her homework, she informed me that she was still waiting to hear back from a friend.

Baffled by her response of choosing to just wait for her friend to read and respond to her text, I asked her why she didn’t simply call her. It was now her turn to look at me in complete bewilderment and retort with a “Mama, that’s so weird, no one does that!”

No, these days it’s all about being minimalistic; best to text in letters: “K, c, u,” accompanied by a few dozen emojis, or even better, just send a “snap”, instead of actually formulating proper sentences.

However, it is unfair to say that only adolescents are lacking in this skill. We grown-ups are just as guilty.

Increasingly, we now turn to our phones to destress or take a break from work, indulging in mindless scrolling which has in fact turned into a serious addiction: cell phone addiction statistics found that over 70 percent of smartphone users sleep with their phone within immediate reach, instinctively picking them up first thing after they wake up.

We seem to be powerless against this compulsive need to tap, swipe, and scroll, which has spiraled out of control. It serves as a distraction, which doesn’t allow us to pay attention and listen to what is going on around us.

Society has also conditioned us into equating our ability to speak with good leadership and economic success. As Stephen R. Covey aptly points out:

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

We expend our energies on talking, making sure we are heard on every platform available, sharing every thought via a status update, tweet, or post. The aim is to reach as large an audience as possible.

As a result, we seem to be losing the art of, what the psychologist Carl Rogers referred to as “active listening”. It means instead of listening passively, you show you care and are interested in what the other person thinks. Being able to understand even what isn’t explicitly expressed by observing body language and nuances in conversation.

How to become a better listener

Active listening is indispensable in both our personal as well as professional lives. Relationships with our loved ones and colleagues can only succeed if we listen attentively. So, it is imperative that we take some effective measures to revive the dying art of conversation:

Awareness

Recognizing our addiction is the necessary first step toward helping us conquer it. A common complaint in many households is the lack of time partners have for each other, leading to feelings of neglect and loneliness.

Restricting time spent on mindless scrolling and social media in general, especially after work, can do wonders.

So put that phone away in the evenings — it really helps in getting the conversation going.

Be present

Our attention is also sabotaged by the constant buzz of our own thoughts. We find ourselves busy thinking about the next thing to say, or planning ahead, wanting to tick off items on our to-do list. To be truly present in the moment, we have to drown out the noise, both within and around us.

We are so used to living amidst a constant barrage of noise at all times that we have forgotten how to be silent. Try starting your day with a quick three to five-minute meditation or simply sit in silence. A few minutes of silence, or at least quiet, every morning gives our ears a chance to reset and be more receptive.

It certainly is my favourite time of day — before the rest of the household awakens.

Savouring

Try to improve your listening by appreciating the mundane sounds around you. If you’re out on a walk, put those Airpods away and instead listen to the sounds around you; of the gravel under your feet as you walk, the chirping of the birds, the rustling of the leaves.

Every morning as I make my breakfast, I consciously listen and relish not just the smell, but the sound of my coffee machine. Noticing the sounds around you improves the quality of listening.

Be curious. Less narcissistic.

‘In the Pursuit of Attention’, sociologist Charles Derber, shared the results of fascinating research done whereby hundreds of face-to-face interactions were studied by researchers, revealing how hard people tried and vied for attention. Most people struggle with what he termed as ‘conversational narcissism.

It is the desire to take over a conversation, to do most of the talking, and shift the focus of the exchange to one’s own self. What author and journalist Celeste Headlee, describes as “hogging the ball” in a conversation.

Curb this urge to dominate the narrative, focusing instead on being supportive, encouraging the other person to continue their story.

Be curious and keep the momentum going by asking relevant questions. It lets the one sitting across know we’re listening and are interested in hearing more.

Effective communication is a two-way street, requiring a lion’s share of listening, more so than speaking. As the ancient Greek philosopher Epictetus famously said:

“Nature hath given men one tongue but two ears, that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak.”

At the end of the day, we just want to be seen and heard. It’s what our heart truly desires. Connection- giving us a sense of value and the knowledge that in a world full of people our voice matters.

If you’d like to know more about me and my story:

References:

https://www.psychguides.com/behavioral-disorders/cell-phone-addiction/

https://philosophicalsociety.com/Archives/Conversational%20Narcissism.htm

A version of this article was first published in the Elephant Journal. Revised and edited for Medium.

I would like to give a shout-out to Anjelica Ilovi, who has just started a new publication, inspiring women to ‘feel good from within’. If you like to write about women’s well-being, self-care, spirituality, nature, hiking, check it out!