I Feel Large and Lumpy, but I Deserve Love, Too
Love at any size — confessions, and frustrations
I feel large and lumpy and I’ve put my dating life on hold because I gained all my weight back in the last 3 months. I’m back to the “terrible 2’s” again and I’m not happy and it’s partly not my fault.
Why does my size of dress determine my worthiness? I know it shouldn’t, but American beauty standards say it does. American beauty is thin and flawless.
Do you remember the show MadTV— the dating site skit was called Lowered Expectations featuring a fat couple walking on the beach.
I remember laughing but, secretly feeling really weird that a fat couple represented the idea of “lowered expectations” in love and romance. It was subtle messaging, but I heard it loud and clear.
Fast forward almost 20 years later and there is a lot of blatant fat hate targeted at mostly women — like Lizzo and it needs to be discussed. Now before I get some nasty comment about body shaming — me and most of my friends are proud BBW’ — big, beautiful, woman and we’re not afraid of the F word — Fat. I know it’s almost illegal to call fragile women fat — but I’m all about intent. If you’re calling me fat to hurt me — that’s how I will receive it. However, if I’m in the comfort and safety of my fellow fluffy females. I’m good, because I’m amongst my people.
There is a lot of self and communal hate in and outside of the fat community. I struggle with it myself. I refuse to date BBW admirers (aka chubby chasers) because I don’t want to be fetishized nor do I want to be with someone who has a fat girl kink based on stereotypes. I’ve experienced and heard of men who wanted to watch me, or my friends eat and gorge or “play” with sticky or messy food like whipped cream, honey, or pudding.
Or worse — they want to rub or “worship” parts of our bodies we’re the most insecure or embarrassed about like our thighs, bellies, and back fat. My friend once had a man who kept grabbing what we call a “fat roll” and making a weird sound. He continued even after she asked him to stop because she was uncomfortable.
I had a guy threaten to break up with me because I lost weight and I had an online date disappointed because he thought I would be bigger because of my round face and chubby cheeks. As a matter of fact, I had more men approach me when I was at my heaviest.
So clearly there are men who LOVE big women… But it’s our attitudes about it that’s problematic. I have to admit, even I have a tinge of jealousy when I see an extremely large, confident woman with a husband or boyfriend.
I can’t help but think — how did she get a man? Then, I quickly remind myself that there have probably been some thin or super toned women who looked at me in my various sizes ranging from 9/10, 14/16 all the way to a size 22 sashaying around in my tights or yoga pants with a handsome, sweet guy — doting over me like a dainty, queen.
Yup and I have had a tiny poof to a full-on FUPA, cellulite, and a double chin and they still liked me — lumpy and large — flawed and fabulous. Yet, the older I get, I have to fight fatphobic self-talk. I just caught myself saying I didn’t want to date again until I lost weight — but why?
Fat men — especially Black and brown men don’t seem to have a problem dating thanks to Biggie, Big Pun, and Fat Joe. However, they are slowly becoming a subgroup of mean, hateful men. Every fat man my friends or I have dated was sarcastic and manipulative, like brown George Costanza’s or rude and abusive — and they all claim that they were “alpha males” or “good men”.
I’m like the comedian Monique — I tend to think two fat people can’t make it, but Mike and Molly did… ABC, NBC, or whatever network they were on would like us to believe that two obese people were cool sleeping in a full-size bed and keeping their love alive.
Well again, that’s never been my nor my friend’s experience. Night sweat happens no matter your size and I don’t know anyone who thinks sleeping beside someone sweaty or clammy is comforting or sexy. So when my 350-pound ex and I tried to share a bed with my 200+ frame — we immediately had to buy a king-size bed to avoid the “cover fights” and “it’s too hot” shrug-offs.
He was my one and only abusive relationship. He fed into way too many embarrassing stereotypes. He first lied and cheated on me with McDonalds. In between helping him with hygiene by teaching him the necessity of a handheld showerhead and where he needed to lift, separate, wash, rinse and repeat and shaving or applying Nair to his massive hairy back — he was berating me, but I always had beautiful fresh flowers.
His cheating went from food to a work friend. He used his weight to hurt me because he said “it didn’t leave bruises”. He once laid on me until I almost passed out. Another time I got caught in the door and he pressed his full weight against it.
When I’d call the police he’d tell them that he had a thin, beautiful girlfriend why would he want someone who looked like me because I was fat, ugly, and useless.
Almost 20 years later, the last two guys I dated were big guys, they both were habitual liars, ex-military, and emotional eaters. I oddly found comfort in their love of food, but it became clear that they were both dating bigger women due to limited options — not because they were attracted to us.
Both had weight-related health issues and were in denial. Both were great for the first month and just gave up and I’m not mad at them. They both wanted quick commitments so they could get to the Netflix and chill stage where I’m cooking and cleaning every weekend while they’d eat, fart, and feel me up before they start snoring.
Dating as a fat woman can be torturous — the fancier the restaurant the more prep to lift, separate, push up and squeeze into something so you can look like a smooth, sexy sausage with boobs. And don’t get me started on heels… I HATE IT.
At the end of the day — we all deserve love and have to deal with our issues and baggage. Not every fat person is unhealthy or is eating their emotions. However, a lot of us are and we’ve hurt each other. Our traumas and issues do not excuse hurtful or harmful thoughts, words and actions.
It’s time to talk about fatphobia in and outside of the fat community. Perhaps, like any bias and discrimination, it starts from inside the community and spreads outside. Perhaps if fat people treated each other better — others would follow our lead.
I’m not sure why or who started My 600 lb. Life, but the only positives I can see in the combination of exploitation, trauma and drama porn is the fact that most of these people have people who love and support them (even if it’s dysfunctional and enabling). In a twisted way, it gives a lot of fat voyeurs like myself hope that someone would love me in my current large, lumpy state.
Can someone love and accept me even if my thick thighs are not tight and my belly jiggles when I laugh?
My face has hardly aged, but my body tells the truth — in its look, feel, and movement.
Men are worthy of love at any age and size — women should be, too.
Let’s talk about this extra-large, double standard.
Thank you for reading.
