Fat and Frisky: 9 Things I Want You to Know Before We Get it On
As a fat woman, I’ve found immense power in embracing my sexuality. Here’s what I’ve learned.
When I write about sex, I’m not just writing about sex. I’m writing about fat sex. In many ways, the sex I have is no different than the sex anyone else has, regardless of their body size, shape, ability, age, or other differences. But there are ways that having sex with me is different.
Along my never-ending journey to body liberation and acceptance, I’ve found real power in accepting my sexuality, curvy parts and all. Like the ample surface of my soft body, there is ample opportunity for me to explore sex in a way that’s fulfilling and normalizing. It’s also really important that the people I get down with understand the way that stigmas and misconceptions about fat sex can affect our play time.
Fat Women are Getting it On
You might be surprised to learn that fat women have sex. In fact, we have as much sex as anybody else does- maybe even more!
Overweight and obese women have more sex than skinny types, a new study suggests.
The research, announced today, is based on data on more than 7,000 women collected in the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth. The new analysis looked at the relationship between body mass index and sexual orientation, age of first intercourse, number of partners and frequency of intercourse.
The results seem to contradict stereotypes that overweight and obese women have less sex. If anything, the researchers said, the opposite seems to be true. Live Science
Fat women not only have sex, we have rich, fulfilling, exploratory, delightful sex lives. We’re human, just like our smaller counterparts. You should know before you slide into my DMs that my sex life is great regardless of whether you decide to participate in it.
Our Sexiness is Not a Function of Your Desire
The fact that I embrace my sexuality and the ways that my body contributes to it seems to offend some people. Somehow, that I have the absolute audacity to put on lingerie and talk out loud about my sexiness makes some men think I’m demanding they find me sexy too. I know not everyone wants to have sex with fat women in general, or me in particular.
But just because some people don’t find me sexy doesn’t mean I’m not sexy.
Trying to convince someone who “doesn’t like bigger girls” that I can change their mind is an exercise in futility, and it’s not worth even a second of my time. It only took making that mistake once for me to learn my lesson. As human beings, we are not all attracted to one another in romantic or sexual ways. In fact, even when it comes to friendship there are people I just can’t mesh with. But just because some people don’t find me sexy doesn’t mean I’m not sexy.
I’m fine with the fact that not every man on earth finds me attractive. Spoiler alert: there are a lot of men out there I don’t find particularly attractive either. It won’t bother me to know that you like fat girls, if you find curves appealing, a soft belly attractive, or prefer a little more junk in the trunk. Everyone has traits that make their engines rev.
Exploring Fetishes Requires Consent
That being said, please, please, please don’t open the conversation with how much you like BBWs or how you find fat erotic. Not only is trotting out kinks and fantasies in the first five minutes inappropriate at best, reducing me to a fetish won’t get our interaction off on the right foot. I’m a woman who happens to be fat, my fat is a part of who I am, but it’s not all I am. If my size matters more to you than any other part of me, I’m not really into that.
Stepping into any kink territory needs to be consensual, especially when the kink is about something so central to my experience as a human.
I’m not going to get into the intricacies of fetishizing things like skin color or sexual orientation or body weight. I’m not an expert on those things, and having spent a fair amount of time in the kink community, I can say that kinks can get complicated. I’m not here to kink-shame, but I am here to point out that you should always ask first whether it’s okay to start a conversation about fetishes or sexual preferences in general.
If you have some sort of fat-related fetish, whether it’s feeder, giantess, or BBW related, you need to be up front and give potential partners the chance to nope out. There are certainly people who are into indulging that fantasy, but don’t make assumptions about who is and who isn’t, and definitely don’t hide it until it’s too late then spring it on them. Stepping into any kink territory needs to be consensual, especially when the kink is about something so central to my experience as a human.
Your Words Matter, So Put Thought Into Them
The words you choose when you’re communicating matter. When I’m showing someone my naked body for the first time, the last thing I want to hear is “you’re not fat, you’re beautiful.” Oh honey. I am fat, and denying that denies a fundamental thing about me. Nothing kills desire like being told fat and beauty or sexiness are mutually exclusive. You’ve just reminded me that society at large still believes that if I’m fat, it’s impossible for me to be desirable.
Even when things start to get hot and heavy, be conscious of what you’re communicating. You might think joking that I should get on top by reassuring me that “you won’t crush me” is encouraging, but really? I know that already, and I wasn’t even thinking about it before you brought it up. But now I am, and I don’t really feel like taking a ride to pleasuretown anymore. Too bad, because the truth is, ample hips and butts provide momentum that wouldn’t be there otherwise.
I don’t need reassurance, but appreciation can be hella sexy.
While I don’t need you to remind me of my fatness, I’d rather you call me fat than insist I’m not. I don’t need reassurance, but appreciation can be hella sexy. My affection for the way my body looks and feels isn’t something I’ve come by easily or quickly. It took work to get here, so if you like the way I look, show me.
Put your attention on me, and instead of saying what you think I want or need to hear, tell me what you want, where you want to touch me, the things you want to do next. Speak to me with your hands and lips and I’ll know that you think I’m sexy, and that the size of my body isn’t the first thing on either of our minds.
We Want You To Touch Our Bodies
Every inch of my body is there for you to explore. Groove on that, don’t avoid it. Not only is it okay to touch my fat, I want you to. When you touch my belly, my arms, my thighs, all the places I’ve been told I should feel bad about, in a hungry way, it heals me. My curves are crying out for connection, and your touch makes me feel seen.
Our bodies may glide and brush and connect in ways you haven’t felt before. You may feel softness in places you’ve only felt hardness, curves in places you’ve felt corners. Don’t apologize. There are dozens of words you could choose, and sorry is one of the least appealing. When you apologize for having touched a certain part of me, especially the most ample parts, you’re communicating that you’re not comfortable with them.
If you avoid touching the fat parts of me, that’s a neon sign in my face that you’re uncomfortable, or worse, you’re just not that into me. It sucks to be naked and alone, but it sucks even more when you’re alone with someone next to you.
We Are Not Desperate/Easy/Unfulfilled
Don’t make assumptions about a woman’s sex life based on the size and shape of her body. We already went over the fact that fat women are getting it on. Know that just because my body may be different, it doesn’t mean I’m easy pickings.
There’s a misconception that fat women have limited opportunities, to the point that we’ll take what we can get. On the contrary, I’ve met lots of men who like me the way I am. I’m not desperate or hard up, and I’m not any more DTF than anyone else just because I’m fat.
As a lifetime fat girl, I’ll be the first to tell you that being sexually active was/is somewhat dubious. For the majority of my chubby life, the only time I heard about fat girls having sex was as the butt of a joke or as the description of a fetish. The cultural acceptance of fatphobia dehumanizing and desexualizing our bodies, framing our desirability as laughable and our sexuality as pathetic. Erin White
It’s up to you to dig into your feelings and assumptions. If you feel this way, or anywhere close to it, you need to stop immediately and reconsider yourself before you try to get down with a bigger babe. It’s disrespectful and immensely hurtful to use a woman because you think she’ll be an easy target, no matter her size.
Not only that, if you think we can’t tell when you’re hitting on us because you think we’re desperate, I’ve got news for you. You’re not doing me a favor with your lazy attempts to get in my pants. Being fat doesn’t mean I’m timid, unfulfilled, or unsatisfied. Stereotypes of fat women as mousy, quiet, and virginal are old hat, and I’m not a caricature.
We Love a Lover Who Comes Prepared
Like I mentioned before, some things aren’t any different than with any other partner. Having safer sex supplies, lube, towels, and even options for toys on hand is always appreciated. But coming prepared isn’t just about condoms in the bedside table.
For many big sexy folks, having pillows on hand is a must. It provides support and adds a ton of varied options to the positions you can try. There’s nothing wrong or weird about needing a good foundation or a little extra reinforcement. Again, these things are not exclusive to fat bodied people. You could need those things because of an injury, a disability, or straight up preference.
Sex is weird and full of surprises, no matter the size of the participants.
Preparation isn’t just about things. Some of it is about knowing what to expect and having an open mind. Understand that not all sex positions will work, but which ones will and won’t is highly dependent on the individual person you’re banging. I am fat, but I also have unusually flexible hips, so positions work for me that wouldn’t for someone else who weighs the same amount as me. Fat people carry their weight in different places, so sex isn’t going to be the same with two different people just because they’re both fat.
Expect the unexpected. In the bedroom and out, all bodies make funny, strange noises. Sometimes, fat bodies make a different kind of noise during sex than thinner bodies. Skin is pliable and smushy, air pockets happen, and noises occur. It’s also okay to laugh! Sometimes it’s funny. It’s also okay to just ignore it and keep on keepin’ on. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Sex is weird and full of surprises, no matter the size of the participants.
Needing to Adjust and Experiment is Normal
In the same way being fat means having extra cushion for the pushin’, it means that we may have to adjust in ways smaller-bodied people don’t. And that’s okay! There is no reason not to move bodies, to make things work better, whether it’s because of differently shaped bodies, sweat, temperature, piercings, or dozens of other reasons.
Whether it’s your first time with someone new or you or your partner has gained weight, I promise there are still tons of ways to make sex work and be pleasurable for both of you.
Sometimes, in order to get the best out of sex, adjustments are necessary. I may have to lift my hips to release skin that’s being pulled a little too taut, or modify how my belly lies so we fit together better. When someone makes small adjustments in a matter-of-fact way, it actually makes me feel less self conscious, because it’s obvious they just want to get to the fun part. I think of these things the same way I’d think of shifting weight because a knee is bent uncomfortably or hair is getting caught somewhere it shouldn’t.
Whether it’s your first time with someone new, or you or your partner has gained weight, I promise there are still tons of ways to make sex work- and be pleasurable- for both of you. You just need to keep an open mind. If you get stuck (hopefully only figuratively!), don’t be afraid to google to get ideas for fat-friendly sex tips and positions.
You Know What They Say About Assumptions
After all this, the biggest and best piece of advice I have is to go into every relationship without expectation or assumptions. Whenever you start a sexual adventure with someone new, there are things to learn. People love all kinds of different things, and sometimes those things have to do with their body and its limitations and advantages. Other times, they have to do with their history, feelings, brain, or kinks.
Communication is so, so important. I believe we should all be having more in-depth conversations about sex before we hit the sheets. Not only will this make for a more individualized experience with a higher potential for satisfaction, the anticipation you can build by talking about what you like or what you want to do, or have done to you, can be off the charts.
One of the reasons I identify so heavily (pun intended) with the sex positive movement is because I don’t think we talk about sex enough. I write about sex because we need to normalize sex as something pleasurable and free of shame. I practice sex positive parenting, and using my sexual experience to give insight to people who aren’t able to talk about it out loud means helping people feel less alone.
I write about fat sex because our culture so often tells people in bodies like mine that we are not expected to be sexual beings. Beyond the regular taboos that tell us not to speak out loud about pleasure, there is the underlying stigma that as fat people, we are unworthy of pleasure. But sexuality and connection are part of what makes us human, and that doesn’t change based on the size of our bodies.
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