HUMOR
Fast Eddie’s Exotic Birds and Endangered Species Emporium
Please do not talk about the elephant in the room.
Welcome, bird-lovers and collectors of illicit creatures! I’m Eddie, the owner of this hidden gem. As I lead you on the guided tour today, keep up, don’t pet anything with sharp teeth, and please do not talk about the elephant in the room.
Those are the rules for this wild safari, but if you don’t follow them, you’re liable to get eaten by a lion, rooar! Oh, I’m just yanking your chain, kids. But seriously, folks, you need to sign the ten-page liability waivers on the clipboards my assistants Wesley and Alexandra are passing out.
You can see we have an array of rare and endangered fish. In fact, we’re overstocked since the sushi place next door went out of business. How many of you have eaten pufferfish? They are tasty but make sure you cook ’em right because their tetrodotoxin is 1,200 times more poisonous than cyanide. Hashtag yikes!
Here is our labyrinth of lizards, which is more a small collection of highly restrictive cages housing extremely deadly reptiles, like Gilda the Gila monster. She’s quite unpredictable. I would not stick your hand in there, son!
Friends, I see some of you looking at Blinky, the elephant. I hate to mention her, but I’m going to insist you avoid looking at her too. Nothing quite sets her off like eye contact with children.
Here’s where we kept the birds until a little mishap. So now it’s “ixnay on inkie-blay” in here. Just a little Pig Latin joke for your amusement.
Speaking of pigs, here is Boris the boar—oh, geez. Wesley, bring a mop! And a trash bag. Throw a blanket over it, so the kids don’t see it for the love of Jesus.
No need to cry, my little safari adventurers! Oh, the cow goes “moo,” and the dog goes “woof,” and the cat goes “meow,” and the bird goes “tweet,” and the pig goes––well, he’s not going anywhere now, but that’s “the circle of life!” Right kids? Like The Lion King and Bambi. Spoiler alert, life is full of brutal, heartbreaking death.
Parents, please try to settle down the children. Blinky loathes crying even more than eye contact. So keep heading that way, troopers. I know how to turn those whining wails into happy hahas.
Meet Harry and Meghan, the laughing hyenas! Hear them cackling? Heck, that’s about all you can hear. They are worked up, aren’t they? They’re not technically laughing. That high-pitched squeal is how they convey frustration or, in this case, sheer nervous terror. Wesley! Pass out the earplugs.
Blinky will not break free, folks, but Wesley will check her chain to ensure it doesn’t rip out of the wall again. Alexandra, get the tranquilizer gun, just in case. No, the big one.
Everything is fine, y’all, and Alexandra will be standing by with the tranq gun if she wants that natural science credit. What do you mean she left? No worries, gang. Wesley will show you the COVID bats while I calm down whatshername.
Oh shit-balls, she’s broken free. Folks, don’t go freaking out on me. Do not panic. You’re making it worse! Wesley, get them out of here through the emergency hatch. Welded shut? Son of a–
Everyone, please, in a calm, orderly fashion, RUN! Out the back! Go, go, go! Use the crowbar to pry the door, ma’am. Don’t crush each other. Kids first— okay, everyone at once. Blinky, no! Bad girl! No, not Wesley. Lord have mercy! Wesley, leave your arm, son. Oh, the humanity!
Okay, I hope everyone had an enjoyable, or, at least, thrilling time here at Fast Eddie’s. It got hairy for a second, and Wesley didn’t make it, but I think we have everyone else. I do hope you’ll visit us again and tell your friends about us. But, don’t mention the elephant in the room, the parking lot, or the Burger King across the street.
For more animalistic humor by Ryan Zaharako, check out: