PET HUMOR
A Dog’s Guide to Licking Your Own Penis
K9 tips for cleaning your kibble and bits
As a dog with a penis, I enjoy licking my junk for various reasons, which may confound humans. We mutts enjoy licking all sorts of things—legs, the carpet, other dogs’ assholes. Hell, you name it, we’ve licked it.
Though uninformed dog owners have unfairly stigmatized penis licking for decades, this behavior is not only perfectly normal, it’s both hygienic and a heck of a way to spend your Saturday night.
What’s with the licking?
The main reasons we dogs lick our one-eyed willies or lady bits is, first, to keep our private parts clean, and second, because it feels damn good. Don’t get jealous. You’d do it too if you could. Dogs can’t take a shower anytime we feel like it, you know? So, don’t judge us by human standards.
So fresh and so clean
Tongue-blasting my Charles Dickens keeps me clean, but it’s also how I groom myself. Lapping away at my bratwurst allows me to look fly for the lady dogs. I won’t use the “b” word in deference to you sensitive bipeds, always canceling each other. We dogs don’t cancel other dogs unless they’re a chronic leg-humper. Those guys are sooo clingy. It’s like, get over it, Fido, it’s just a limb!
Getting kicks through licks
Many of my canine pals are reluctant to talk about slobbin’ the knob for stimulation purposes. But huskies are quite vocal and brutally honest. So, do I dab my disco stick for pleasure? The short answer is no. The longer, engorged, red rocket answer is, yes, from time to time.
In addition to feeling fresh, polishing the pickle feels good. It’s a healthy part of loving yourself, literally and figuratively. But wetting the wiener schnitzel can be habit-forming and must be done responsibly.
How much is too much?
Humans should be mindful of how often their dog is going to town on their rumpleforeskin. If I’m licking my penis excessively, there’s a good chance I have an infection, injury, or urinary tract condition.
Normally I’d never say, “Let’s load into the car for a nice trip to the vet!” That place licks balls. But in this case, it’s a good idea to take me. Moistening the meat stick, while always a pleasurable experience, should be done in moderation.
Go on, man, give it a try
Humankind doesn’t have to live vicariously through dogs. No rule says humans can’t travel to the Netherlands whenever they feel like it. The problem is a physical one. Humans’ bodies aren’t built for licking one’s own genitalia. Thanks for the crap design, God!
You could take a yoga class to increase your chances of licking your privates. It’s not going to happen overnight, but limbering up is the best way to go down.
Cleanliness is next to dogliness
As primary caregivers to man’s best friend, humans can play a vital role in the normalization of penis licking. Be supportive of your dog by telling them, “Good boyeee,” or “You’re a good girl, yes you are,” once they are done lapping away at their love tool. For the safety of your little buddy licking their little buddy, do not interrupt them while a lick is in progress, or they might snap at you. You also might want to avoid kissing us for a while.
Dogs should never be shamed or made to feel embarrassed by licking our privates. After all, you took my balls, but you shall never take my pride, nor my desire to slurp my schlong regularly to ensure it’s still there.
For more dog-related humor by Ryan Zaharako, check out: