PET HUMOR
Hey Neighbor, Just Returning This Dog Turd You Left Right on the Sidewalk
I figured you’d want it back
You must have been distracted again today, old buddy because you forgot to scoop up this dog poo on your morning walk.
I get it. It’s easy to forget things. Where you put the car keys. Basic human decency. The state capitals. It happens to the best of us. For example, Providence, that’s a capital, and it’s also a word that means “planning ahead.” Like, say, bringing a plastic bag on your morning walk.
Luckily for us both, I was just a half-block behind you when Sparky did his business — and I happened to have a baggie with me. So, being the neighborly guy I am, I’m giving you back this pile of poop.
We all have to chip in to keep the neighborhood looking good. And I see you’re doing your part with this lawn. Yowza! It’s like something out of a gardening or home improvement magazine. Not a single pile of dog crap as far as the eye can see across your lush, clean, manicured, crap-free lawn. You must tell me your secret sometime, mate.
Anyhoo, I hate to drop a deuce on this beautiful lawn, so I’ll find a nice spot here on the porch since you’re not answering the door. I don’t want to break your doorbell by ringing it over and over. That is an interesting doorbell sound. Must drive you a little batty sometimes. But not right now since you’re not home, even though your car is right there in the driveway.
Well, I’ve clearly agitated Sparky by ringing the doorbell a hundred times. Boy, he’s growing up to be a healthy pup. What do you feed him, by the way? It can’t be regular dog food. I mean, based on the sheer weight and volume of the fodder in this bag I’m carrying, there’s gotta be several pounds of shite here.
OK, I might’ve added to the bag a bit since I came across a few other dog turds on the way over. None of it, I assure you, is human feces. That would just be wrong, man!
FYI, there’s something metallic in Sparky’s stool. It could be a set of car keys. Or a Spanish doubloon. Wouldn’t that be something? Treasure, right here in our own neighborhood! Right out in the open. Just sitting there smack dab in the middle of the sidewalk. Where literally ANYONE could step in it.
Boy, I’ve stepped in my fair share of feces. Usually, that happens while walking in the park. Heck, I don’t even look for fecal hazards on sidewalks, do you? It’s such a rare occurrence. Not that it’s a singular event.
Cindy saw you walking Sparky last Thursday at approximately 7:48 am. Yep. Yessiree. You probably just forgot the doggie bag then too. It happens. Oh, this paper bag I used to secure Sparky’s scat, I won’t need it back. I doubt there will be much left of it anyway.
That reminds me; if you get a call from a neighbor saying “your house is on fire,” there’s no need to flip out. Your house is NOT on fire. It’s just this sack of waste engulfed in flames. I’m spiritually cleansing your porch by burning away the impurities of our neighborhood. I figured it’s the least I could do since you’ve been such a great neighbor.
Whoa, look at that! I think I used too much lighter fluid. Holy jeez, maybe your house will be on fire! I didn’t think it would go up like that! No worries, I’ll put it out with this cushion from the new, expensive lounge chair you imported from Italy.
Ciao neighbor!