Fantastic Fruits and How to Have Sex With Them
Warning! Contains graphic images
You most certainly know how to please yourself (or your partner), but do you know how to please your favorite fruits?
This guide is for you and the fruits in your lives.
May they always be juicy.
Grapefruits
Assume the bowling position.
Don’t be shy, it’s going to be juicy. Commonly used in the USA, this technique is reserved for connoisseurs in Europe.
Alternatively, ask a partner for help, and go for the DTP stance. DTP stands for direct to the pith. That’s a very sensitive zone for grapefruits, mostly because it’s “very rich in antioxidants and nutrients.”
Papayas
Quick notes on papayas as they’re very often misunderstood.
Very similar to grapefruits when it comes to the techniques used, papayas require special instruments. Namely, fake wooden hands.
Tomatoes
OK, life is tough for tomatoes. If there’s a fruit that’s into BDSM kind of stuff, it’s the tomato.
First, you need to squash them hard, and then a white gooey substance should be sprinkled all over their wounds.
Final warning, the following picture is VERY graphic.
Lemons
Do you think you know everything about weird sex?
Think again.
Let me introduce you to the lemons. And please, if life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonades out of them, do this instead.
Lemons ARE the real BDSM fruits (I lied with the tomatoes before). Look at this picture of a satisfied lemon, in a cage, opened to the pleasure of being covered in an unidentified gooey substance.
But that’s not all.
Lemons are into WEIRD stuff.
They’re a strange mix of sapiosexual and pure madness. See them below, sexily pretending to read a book.
I kept the best for last.
Well, best, I should use another word.
But what exactly can describe the enjoyment of having a teddy bear seat on your face while it’s sucking on a cucumber held by its partner?
(On a side note, way to go, cucumber!)
Next in the series: Bananas, the Fake, the True, and The Kinks.
If you want your bananas to climb to heaven, ask a beautiful woman to hold them close to her ear and pretend to phone sex. Nothing can turn them (and you) on more.
Based on an original idea by Loudt Darrow. He commented on this article and the rest is the story above. I want to make him happy by sharing his most famous article to date:
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