PARENTING

Family Guidelines Bring Out Your Best

I will share how to reap the rewards of parenting challenges with life-long lessons. Lead by example and use gentle reminders for your family and yourself.

I am a proud, dedicated Mama of four exceptional children. I have some overwhelmingly extraordinary successes that offset a long list of mistakes as a parent. I am proof that if you show up for your kids, eventually learn from your mistakes, unconditionally support them, and put in the long-term effort to be a good parent; your kids may not disown you as teenagers and ask your advice as an adult.

My children’s ages are 32(boy), 22(boy), 19(girl), and 15(boy). I am the first to admit my mistakes as a parent being strict with many boundaries set. I yelled at them in my emotional need to be heard and with self-blame for failing if they didn’t follow the rules. I have never yelled at other kids in my care, so my family suffered the bad with the good of having me as their Mom. As each year passed, I would do my best to adjust my learning curve with Faith-led speed bumps along the road. I have profusely apologized to my kids for all my yelling and any harm to their spirits. My kids’ whole lives till my recovery the last two years have survived through my brain and body struggle enprisoned in an Eating Disorder. Please believe it is never too late to repent, ask for forgiveness and live as the parent and individual you always wanted to be.

My guidelines, ideas, and tips are from my own family’s experiences and over 35 years in various roles in childcare. Babysitting, nanny, nursery school teacher, YMCA kids playrooms, and parent round out my experience.

If you are a new parent or a seasoned one, please enjoy my stories, and hopefully, take away some valuable tips for your family’s success.

Always display kind actions.

Be kind even when someone is unkind to you. It is an easy and swift reaction to hurt someone when you are hurt. It is far more challenging to respond with kindness. Please treat others the way you want them to treat you. It is possible to change someone’s view of you with consistent positive experiences rather than retaliation.

Always use soft words.

Speak kind words to others even when you don’t feel well. It’s normal to act cranky or short-tempered at times when you don’t feel your best. Your family sees your pain and can help or give you space but deserve your respect without criticizing them or calling them names.

Show joyful attitudes.

Be kind and joyful even when no one is looking. I would ask the kids if they could go in their room and discuss what they were feeling, saying, or doing, and if they were ok with Him knowing but no one else, is that the choice they want to make or the person they want to be in Christ.

Have sincere motives with no thought of self-gain. Go out of your way to help someone, not expecting a reward, prestige, or a pat on the back. Self-less acts are priceless.

Give a good report of others.

Never tattletale unless physical harm may come to someone. Telling on your sibling because they took too many cookies or didn’t do their chore yet isn’t of dire importance to say to a parent, and they probably already know. Sometimes the natural consequence of getting a bellyache from cookies or missed activity when chores are uncompleted may suffice to learn from that lesson to choose differently next time.

I want to know if my child got on their bike without a helmet and is bleeding because he crashed. If my child and a friend got the matches off the mantle and brought a candle in his room to light or worse, tell me right away.

Always tend to the child’s injury first and clear the scene for safety, alert any professionals or other parents and deal with choice and consequences later after their immediate needs are met with love and support for the child. This order preserves your value of showing compassion and avoids reacting with emotional anger you will undoubtedly regret and can’t take back.

Physical care.

Never raise a hand to hit, a foot to kick, object to throw, voice to yell, or eye to scowl. I had my share of wrestling with my two brothers growing up, and it can get out of hand when size and strength are unbalanced, but I am referring to intentional harm to the body or mind.

Treat your child’s body as the temple it is meant to be with respect and gentle care. Model that behavior to encourage them to do the same for their siblings and not get in a cycle of harm that can carry over generations later.

Never let the sun go down on your wrath.

Don’t go to bed angry or guilty. Always aim to wake up with a clear conscience and light heart. I am grateful my Mom always taught our family growing up to say sorry immediately or as soon as possible after an upset. You don’t have to agree with the other person, but an altercation or conflict can occur without malice. I do my best to carry that into my own family. I am well-versed in apologies and grateful for their forgiveness.

Going to bed angry, especially in the same household, lets the words or event twist and turn in your sleep, analyzing, blaming, and affecting your relationship. Deciding to settle, compromise, lay to rest, or discuss at a later time is vital.

Encourage and support each other.

Be your family’s biggest fan and ongoing support system. When your child has an interest, sport, hobby, or passion, learn everything you can about it. Even if you don’t participate in the activity with them, although I suggest you make that attempt often, you will have a base knowledge to talk about their interests more often. We can always use more ways to connect with our kids.

Even if you have no interest in Pokemon, Mario, Cocomelon, the Marvel Universe, competition sports, or drama clubs, be the most attentive parents and captain of their cheer squad. Let them know that they will always have you in their corner rooting for them. I may take minor offense if you aren’t at least a Mario World fan.

If your child wants to try new things or activities they’ve never tried, encourage that action of bravery. Offer to stand beside them through their discovery process or take a step back if they choose to put their effort forward on their own.

Amendment J.O.Y.

Put Jesus first, others second, and yourself last. Make serving your family a priority.

My faith has been the key to opening positive doors and locking the destructive ones on my path. It has been the light leading me through the darkness. It was my crash cart when my life was in disarray, and I flatlined. My faith has brought me back, and I share that praise as a witness to my family worldwide.

Our family’s values focus on caring for others, your siblings, parents, extended family, and neighbors. Reach out to your community to give your time and commitment to your fellow humans. Listen to those you disagree with and find common ground to share space on this Earth with honor and respect because that unique person was also preciously created and chosen with purpose by God, just as you were, and loved by God just as he loves you.

Sow those seeds of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control in your family. Nurture them daily for growth and harvest to share in the world and replant through every generation. Putting yourself last doesn’t mean always sacrificing your own needs and purpose for your life. You can follow Christ, care for your family, and fulfill your needs, so you have the strength to follow through in your role as a parent, spouse, and child of God.

Tips to encourage positive behavior and empower their decision-making ability

Apply the family guidelines as a framework for their behavior.

Reward system

I encouraged the idea of using a fun tool to ensure chore completion, school work done on time, and building a cohesive family unit. The end product of less whining, procrastination, and conflicts made it all the better. I came up with the ticket reward system. Our family used this system to earn rewards within the home and could save up to spend outside the home, often free activities or furnished on Mom’s dime.

I found that the age range that works best was between 2–12 years old. I purchased a double roll of raffle tickets with a 2000 count from our local party supply store. I made a chart for duties and rewards.

As the kids entered middle school, they asked for more options to earn money in addition to their modest allowance, so I implemented a 20 ticket total in exchange for $1. Some chores included in their allowance responsibilities did also earn them tickets, great incentive, especially with the higher paying duties.

I was quite impressed when the kids started negotiating for chore swaps and paying each other to do a chore. Anything they could take out into the actual complex world, I was agreeable.

I was open to negotiations on almost anything. I have the final say but I take into consideration their ideas. I want them to plead their case. They should practice giving their thoughts and opinions, persuade me, or change my mind completely.

Their voices matter, and I want to make sure they always do.

Kids first lesson in personal finance

When the kids were old enough to add and subtract double-digit numbers, I purchased a Parent/Student (in our case, child) gift card from a local grocery store. The parent has a card linked to the child’s card, so I could load money on it at any time and wouldn’t need them or their card present. This gift card was also great when a child goes to college away from home, and you want to gift them some grocery money, so they have the freedom to choose their grocery needs at the time.

When they were young, I started loading $15 on each card. Then, I went to the bank and picked up enough blank registers for one per child. I had them keep track of their purchases and my deposits/loads to their card. This basic finance gave them a sense of responsibility and ownership in their spending decisions. When they knew I might only load it once a month, they could choose to buy candy or a treat each time we went to the store or a more significant item from the tiny toy aisle, knowing they may not be able to pick something the next few visits.

I also wanted them to weigh their options since three tickets at home could earn a piece of candy, anyway. Do you see how my interweaving Mama brain works? There is power in choice.

Homemade fun

I am by far the most uncrafty person I know, but for my kids’ benefit, I will bandage my paper cuts, lose precious layers of skin in glue gun mishaps, and visit the emergency room for staple gun accidents.

In a previous decade by choice and finance, I announced the idea of making homemade gifts for Christmas for each other and the grandparents. Yes, they all high-fived and did a little celebration dance. Well, that’s how it went in my head. They warmed up to the idea as we each made plans, gathered supplies, drew blueprints of plans, and got to work.

My kids loved monopoly. Who doesn’t? When I was young, my older brother and cousin would even leave the board up for weekend-long tournaments, which turned into guerrilla warfare tactics with the younger siblings picking sides in solidarity.

I decided to make every part of the monopoly game based on my kids’ lives and our hometown, plus we get to use my multi-purpose tickets again instead of monopoly money. Yes, I thought that was genius, too. Thank you.

I should tell you, I have a laminator obsession, and the Kinkos copy lady is forever my kindred spirit. Constructing a board game from scratch needn't be complicated or stressful. I only used some pieces of posterboard. I used one piece for the game board and a ruler and markers to line the property spaces. Our token pieces were a printout of interest-identifying clipart on one side and a small photocopy of their face from a picture I had at home. I only have my token face side up for this article to protect their privacy.

I cut the grab bag, treasure chest, and property cards with a paper cutter, but scissors easily work, too.

My kids thought I was an over-achieving nut job but were equally impressed and enjoyed the personal touch. I put my heart into that gift, and we all reaped the rewards with smiles and laughs shared, making lifelong memories.

Reap the rewards

Why do I still have these close at hand in my house when my kids are either married, two in college, and one in high school? I am thrilled to share things that phenomenally worked with primarily positive outcomes and less daily stress for a parent.

All you need is to be a conscious parent. Be aware of your child’s needs and interests and sensitive to their life changes. Adapt and stand by them. You can do it with a bit of hard work, patience, and a lot of fun.

I have no doubt I will make more mistakes, but I pray I have learned from those already made. Just as you or your child train for sports, you will consistently train for parenting challenges.

Never give up on your child or yourself. Don’t be surprised if you see the rewards in your children as parents and generations to come.

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