Failure in Love

Unpacking the Baggage

Guest Prompt Week 1, Day 2: Do you willingly take risks, knowing you might fail regarding matters of love?

While on this journey of unpacking the heavy baggage that I have been dragging around all my life, I became aware that I was holding on to a very crippling bag. That bag contains my fear of failure. This revelation happened during a conversation with a six-year-old child. A sweet and angelic soul, who asked the question that brought this to my awareness. What are you afraid of?

In the next few days, I decided to begin unpacking this heavy bag. Therefore, I reflected on the various aspects of my life that could have triggered this crippling fear of failure. Though I have not discovered the source, I was able to revisit certain aspects that could have been the catalyst for the piling up of this bag.

But what does fear of failing have to do with taking risks with love? Well, as child, I did not feel like I received enough love and attention from my parents. I will not unpack those details here as I have previously written about this in a separate piece. Consequently, as a teenager and young adult, I looked for love from various people, mostly friends and boyfriends. And in that process of seeking love, I fell on my face many times and failed miserably.

But you know the saying when you are caught in a gamble, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. And that I did, I tried and tried too many times, which led to taking too many unnecessary risks. And funny enough, I hate gambling and typically, I am not a risk taker. But I risked my heart over and over again and sacrificed my own needs because I believed in love.

I became that person who did not know how to be single. I traveled from relationship to relationship carrying the same heavy baggage that was packed with the load from each of the previous ones. Because I believed in love and the beauty that it could manifest, I continued to take the chance at the risk of failing again.

In hindsight, I did not realize how unhealthy this way of living was. The baggage that I carried around guaranteed failure, no matter how many times I was willing to take the risk and make the sacrifice to get back into the game of love. My limited view of what love was coupled with not allowing the space to heal and repair my fractured heart, was surely a guaranteed recipe for both disaster and failure.

So where am I now? A few years ago, I made the decision to remain single and I have used that time to get to know myself. I have been investing the time into loving me, therefore, all the risks and sacrifices I have made are chances that I am willing to take on myself. I am now in a place where I have come to understand what will work for me in any new relationships.

Though I am still working on shedding my fear of failure, I am happy to say that the bag is much lighter, but I still have some unpacking left to do. I am replacing those spaces with gentler and more positive loads.

I am a work in progress, and this is work that will never end. However, I am optimistic and hopeful for the chance to love again. I am willing to take the risk knowing that I might fail regarding matters of love because I fully understand the beauty that sacrificing my heart for love can bring. It is part of the process of this deeply enriched humanly experience.

Thank you Riku Arikiri for submitting this intriguing self-reflective question. I was able to analyze and unpack my feelings and thoughts when it comes to love. It created a rollercoaster of emotions filled with good and bad memories, but it is because of these rides where I am able to reflect and discover more about myself.

This was written in response to Riku Arikiri’s Wednesday Guest Prompt:

Thank you all for reading. And thank you Diana C. for creating the space so that we all can revisit stages in our lives, tell our stories, grow, and heal. KTHT has been a rollercoaster, one that I don’t mind riding.