Dog with Special Talent Confirms “Mom’s a Karen:” Baffles Researchers
Breaking news in the scientific community
— New York City, NY
We all know dogs have a superior sense of smell and hearing. But one dog has confirmed he possesses the “Karen sense,” and it’s creating waves across the scientific community.
Sir Sniffer McGhee of New York City has told us from his spot in the kitchen that his Karen sense developed the minute his new mom, Tammy, adopted him last year.
He provided our reporters with the following exclusive statement:
Fine, hey… Hey! I didn’t mean to chew dat briefcase or your papers… I’m still gettin’ the bag of Wagyu jerky though, right?
Okay, okay…
I’m ready to tell the world about how it all started. When I knew my new “mom” — who says her name is “Mommy-Tammy” McGhee — was actually Karen McGhee.
I sniffed out her true breed just like dat!
On the day she picked me up from da Sherman’s apartment down on 34th Street, she changed my name.
There wasn’t a lick wrong with “Mr. Grimace P. Sherman,” either, but did she listen to me?
NO!
On the walk back to my new kitchen prison, I had to do what a dog’s gotta do sometimes.
On the sidewalk.
Where everyone was takin’ a walk without their leashes…
Look, I’m sorry… I’m still a good dog [and on a leash, I might add].
But here’s da thing. Did Karen McGhee bring a roll of those plastic ghosts with her?
No!
Instead of pickin’ it up with her opposable thumbs, she yelled at me, and told me I was a “bad dog.”
So, guess what I did?
I tried to help her the only way I knew how. Just like a good dog…
Hey! You’d do it, too, if Karen hadn’t fed you!
And I guess that was wrong, too. Because Karen started barkin’ at me.
ME!
All I was tryin’ to do was help her and da environment. And what did I get?
A treat?
No!
A pat on the snoot?
Nope!
Maybe a belly rub?
None of da above!
Instead, I got a barkin’ Karen.
And then, you’ll never believe what happened...
Karen said she was hungry, so she stopped at somethin’ called a hot-dog cart.
Now, you know what I was thinkin’?
First, what kind of dog-eatin’ murderer just adopted me? But, I decided to give Karen the benefit of da doubt.
Maybe she’s about to tell me she’s sorry and get me a furry bitch — maybe a yellow lab or a long-haired dachshund.
Instead, she ordered a Coney dog (never heard of that breed…), and looked away and started eatin’ it!
She ate my potential mate! WT$£”?
See? A Karen Dahmer!
She even growled at the seller for not givin’ her any napkins.
Another Karen clue!
So, I did what any dog would do to help.
I wagged my tail in her face. Instant napkin — so fresh!
Well, dat did it.
She started barkin’ louder, until she turned rabid — foamin’ at da mouth with what was left of that poor Coney dog (RIP).
And she was pointin’, and waggin’ her finger in front of my booper, too. Let’s face it — I wasn’t havin’ any more of dis Karen McGhee.
So, I started runnin’ circles ‘round her legs…
I kept goin’ and goin’ zoomie style until she was all wrapped up tight in my leash. It was like Tammy was in a cocoon. And then, before I could sniff anymore, she was bloomin’ into a Karen wif wings.
And guess what?
She stopped barkin’!
Who’d ever thought that was possible?
Dat’s when all the folks walking by stopped and said I was a “good dog.” Even da hotdog man gave me a treat. I sniffed him, too — he was not a Karen!
But from that day on, Karen McGhee made sure to keep me in da kitchen.
Alone.
Just me and da roaches and a mouse named Tim.
Damn Karen…
So, I want all the dogs in da world to know that if you sniff ‘n suspect you’ve got a Karen on your paws, you’re not alone.
And dat’s the story of how I learned I had the Karen sense.
More of a “cat person?” Check out this post about a cat who outs her human to the publishing world.
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