SATIRE
Exclusive Interview With President Donald Trump
I was admitted to the Oval Office and greeted warmly. The President told me that he was very interested in Medium and hoped to buy it one day. He knows that writers are paid peanuts and he would immediately double the rates set by the algorithm.
I immediately warmed to him because when you eke out cents and talk to a millionaire the feeling is like when you have a dopamine surge after eating a hamburger.
“But let’s not talk about money,” I urged. My editor had already given me a list of questions so I started the ball rolling.
People are fascinated by your success and want to know more before they re-elect you. After all, four years is a long time to be President of the USA. 8 years could be Hell.
All that talk of Hell is fake news. Just a Democratic plot to scare voters. I have already booked my place in Heaven. They have superb golf courses there, I believe.
Is there any truth in the rumor that you were on top of the border wall and fell when it was blown down by very strong winds?
Yes, I was inspecting it. No injuries. It was a perfect fall.
What are your plans for the Spelling Bee contest?
This stupid contest is for losers. It’s got to be stopped. Who cares about correct spelling? Such a fuss about my so-called spelling mistakes such as Ttump, covfefe, Marine Core, and text massages. If you spell poorly, you can still be very smart. Look at me. I don’t want our kids growing up with a spelling complex. You need leadership. Not all this buzz about spelling bees. That’s a smart joke, right?
I love it! If you could bring some extinct species back to life, what would you choose to Make America Great Again?
Dinosaurs. They will get rid of the Democrats in no time at all.
Is there anything at all that you dislike about your appearance?
I’m perfect. I’m still a sex symbol, right? (My private note:- The President kept adjusting his “hair” and was surreptitiously checking his tan line in a small mirror on his desk.)
What is the most important lesson you have learned from being President?
Never to cancel a game of golf
What is your greatest fear?
Death from a badger bite. (My private note:- The President always asks about badgers as reported here.)
How many lies or untruths have you told during your Presidency?
Just a few — Maybe 9 or 10. Believe me! (My private note:- Donald Trump’s record according to The Washington Post now stands at about 30 claims/lies/falsehoods a DAY!)
Can you tell us more about your relationship with Korean Kim? Don’t you think there are some sadomasochistic elements in all this? I mean he is testing all these missiles…
Yes, we fell in love and one diplomat described it as “mysteriously wonderful”. As for the SM stuff, that is all a load of garbage. I think Kim is trying out some new toys to play with. But I have the nuclear button. I don’t think Kim can even find his button — too fat but a lovely, lovely guy. Very smart!
I thanked the President and as I was leaving the Oval Office, I heard shouts and insults coming from Ivanka’s office. The staff assured me she was just practicing her Powerpoint presentation for the next world summit on shitty jewelry.
More Trump stuff — funny and serious!
