avatarAndrew Rodwin

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Abstract

odern discovery of epididymis</h2><p id="3793">In 1923, physician Mary Jo Stubbs discovered the epididymis. No one knows why these tubes connecting testicles to the vas deferens were named <i>epididymis</i>. An effort to name them <i>The Stubby</i> seems to have petered out.</p><p id="7803">You try writing a piece about epididymides without a little wordplay. Wordplay is the foreplay of the celibate.</p><p id="016b">A sentence slathered with <i>testicles</i>, <i>vas deferens</i>, and <i>epididymis</i> leaves my skin feeling oily. Let’s take a break while I shower.</p><p id="fbd6"><b>ADVERTISEMENT</b></p><figure id="9949"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*WydW5OQRMCrEBThrarLxxg.png"><figcaption>Screenshot of David Perlmutter’s Medium account by author.</figcaption></figure><h2 id="15e0">Anatomy lesson — the epididymis head connects to the 🎶 efferent ducts</h2><p id="232f">If you learn nothing else today —</p><blockquote id="10e2"><p>The head of the epididymis receives spermatozoa via the efferent ducts of the mediastinium of the testis. It is characterized histologically by a thick epithelium with long stereocilia (described below) and a little smooth muscle. — <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epididymis">https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epididymis</a></p></blockquote><p id="82d6">I was actually fine until <i>smooth muscle</i>.</p><p id="f9e1">Back to the shower.</p><h2 id="e43e">Do you have an epididymis?</h2><p id="87e0">There are two ways to find out.</p><ol><li>Easy way — check your birth certificate.</li><li>Hard way — requires a DeWalt power drill, a flashlight, duct tape, and bacitracin.</li></ol><h2 id="eb25">Important facts about my epididymis</h2><ul><li>Favorite color: Magenta</li><li>Ideology: A utilitarian in the mold of John Stuart Mill, with occasional flashes of naturalism a la Jean-Jacques Rousseau</li><li>Music: Huge fan of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skeeter_Davis">Skeeter Davis</a></li></ul><h2 id="4c77">Say this at a cocktail party</h2><blockquote id="170f"><p>“If your epididymis were completely unwound, it would extend from one end of your epididymis to the other end of your epididymis! Imagine!”</p></blockquote><h2 id="69f4">What does my epididymis look like?</h2><p id="5d0c">I happen to be blessed with an exceptional epididymis. Sure, I got shorted in other key departments. So what? I read a lot and keep my lawn nice.</p><p id="3ddd">But I hit three 7s on the epididymis payout.</p><figure id="b91c"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*F4IgVJ389W67y_cUzRN6Kw.png"><figcaption>Epididymis courtesy of <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Anatomist90">Anatomist90</a> via <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/en:Creative_Commons">Creative Commons</a> <a href="https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/deed.en">Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported</a>. Ryan Gosling courtesy of <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Gage">Gage</a> Skidmore via same license.]</figcaption></figure><h2 id="2b66">Since we’re in the neighborhood</h2><p id="9f90">The United Nations decided I should get a vasectomy “for the good of mankind.” Subtlety is not the UN way. The vote was 192–1. Russia voted no, because hey, Russia.</p><p id="2339">A vasectomy involves the vas deferens, not the epididymis, so I agreed. R

Options

ule of thumb — if your epididymis looks like Ryan Gosling, don’t fuck with it.</p><p id="d2dd">When it comes to vasectomies, most insurance policies only cover a bowline. Screw that. Yeah, yeah,<i> rabbit goes around the tree and back in the hole. </i>What is this, Sesame Street?</p><p id="858e">Since my procedure was on the world’s dime, I went with the upgrade. When my sperm cells hit that sheepshank, it’s <i>Good Night, Irene</i>. You can hear Lead Belly’s walking base line as far north as my sternocleidomastoid.</p><figure id="a1e5"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*vO3lbcRAesjq3zrGzNCwrA.png"><figcaption><b>X-ray of my vasectomy. Get a load of that bad boy, huh bro? </b>Public domain.</figcaption></figure><h2 id="b4cc">Closing thoughts</h2><p id="db87">I’m not saying my pituitary isn’t also worth a good 800 words. Stay tuned. My fibula’s meh, but I’d stack my <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vomeronasal_organ">Jacobson’s Organ</a> up against anyone’s.</p><p id="3a1c">Maybe not Jacobson.</p><p id="f5c9"><a href="/subscribe/@andrew-rodwin">Want an email heads-up for new articles? Click me.</a></p><p id="2aeb"><a href="https://andrew-rodwin.medium.com/membership">Want to join Medium? Click me.</a></p><p id="dc10">Thanks to Eagle Eye <a href="undefined">Amy Sea</a>!</p><p id="0f1e">Got a MuddyUm Jones?</p><div id="1a4c" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/we-few-we-happy-few-were-hiring-at-crispy-chicken-26bd65279fcd"> <div> <div> <h2>We Few, We Happy Few, We’re Hiring at Crispy Chicken</h2> <div><h3>I do not wish one more!</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*nNuPfZwWIi0oHSku)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="146a" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/from-the-desk-of-chronos-the-god-of-time-56a03c10347b"> <div> <div> <h2>From the desk of Chronos, the God of Time</h2> <div><h3>2022*</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*bYm4fxQsrtfW92Co)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="0113" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/its-the-kent-of-the-world-as-we-know-it-and-i-feel-fine-ce37313c9c41"> <div> <div> <h2>It’s the Kent of the World as We Know It, and I Feel Fine</h2> <div><h3>Submit, humans, you’re surrounded</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*-_9s6Avy1VlNFMfj)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><figure id="cb4f"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*EpAUj2LiqwVWJlXmVZOYUQ.jpeg"><figcaption>Brand art courtesy of <a href="undefined">David Todd McCarty</a>.</figcaption></figure></article></body>

TMI 2.0

Everything You Shouldn’t Miss About My Epididymis

A seminal selfie

QUIZ: One of these is a human epididymis. The other three are sea anemones native to the New Caledonia Barrier Reef. Find the marine imposters! [Illustrations via Midjourney.]

You have the right to know

Your right to know doesn’t stop at Kylie Jenner’s radical position on a unified theory of particles and forces. It extends well beyond Nicki Minaj’s nose-thumbing rejection of the Münchhausen trilemma.

You have the right to know intimate details about the body parts of strangers.

Carol Lennox, the Ayatollah of Shock-and-Troll-Ya’, broke new selfie ground with this gem. Carol describes several well-lubricated body parts, all heavy on vowels. Warm up first with a shot or five of Pernod Absinthe Supérieure. Or brake fluid. You’ll need it.

Not to be out-juiced, BOFace ejaculated this tell-all about his randy johnson. Not the Diamondback pitcher who killed a dove with his fastball. BOF’s confessional is about the other Big Unit. Did he stretch the truth?

No matter. Let’s talk tube. My epididymis. First, some history.

Epididymides in history

Homer’s epic poem The Odyssey surfaced the first allusion to the epididymis. En route to Ithaca — unfortunately for O Dawg, a very long route as in these ancient times there was no Waze — he was forced to navigate a perilous strait. His dilemma — known popularly as between a rock and a hard place — was choosing between Scylla and Epididymis. Wisely, O-man chose the former. Better to lose a bosun or two to a six-headed hydra than risk the whole fleet to the tunnel of love.

Between Scylla and Epididymis. [Photo of Scylla and Charybdis public domain. Epididymis courtesy of Anatomist90 via Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported.]

A note to the editor fairy

Plural is epididymides. Please don’t dust me on this.

Modern discovery of epididymis

In 1923, physician Mary Jo Stubbs discovered the epididymis. No one knows why these tubes connecting testicles to the vas deferens were named epididymis. An effort to name them The Stubby seems to have petered out.

You try writing a piece about epididymides without a little wordplay. Wordplay is the foreplay of the celibate.

A sentence slathered with testicles, vas deferens, and epididymis leaves my skin feeling oily. Let’s take a break while I shower.

ADVERTISEMENT

Screenshot of David Perlmutter’s Medium account by author.

Anatomy lesson — the epididymis head connects to the 🎶 efferent ducts

If you learn nothing else today —

The head of the epididymis receives spermatozoa via the efferent ducts of the mediastinium of the testis. It is characterized histologically by a thick epithelium with long stereocilia (described below) and a little smooth muscle. — https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epididymis

I was actually fine until smooth muscle.

Back to the shower.

Do *you* have an epididymis?

There are two ways to find out.

  1. Easy way — check your birth certificate.
  2. Hard way — requires a DeWalt power drill, a flashlight, duct tape, and bacitracin.

Important facts about my epididymis

  • Favorite color: Magenta
  • Ideology: A utilitarian in the mold of John Stuart Mill, with occasional flashes of naturalism a la Jean-Jacques Rousseau
  • Music: Huge fan of Skeeter Davis

Say this at a cocktail party

“If your epididymis were completely unwound, it would extend from one end of your epididymis to the other end of your epididymis! Imagine!”

What does my epididymis look like?

I happen to be blessed with an exceptional epididymis. Sure, I got shorted in other key departments. So what? I read a lot and keep my lawn nice.

But I hit three 7s on the epididymis payout.

Epididymis courtesy of Anatomist90 via Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported. Ryan Gosling courtesy of Gage Skidmore via same license.]

Since we’re in the neighborhood

The United Nations decided I should get a vasectomy “for the good of mankind.” Subtlety is not the UN way. The vote was 192–1. Russia voted no, because hey, Russia.

A vasectomy involves the vas deferens, not the epididymis, so I agreed. Rule of thumb — if your epididymis looks like Ryan Gosling, don’t fuck with it.

When it comes to vasectomies, most insurance policies only cover a bowline. Screw that. Yeah, yeah, rabbit goes around the tree and back in the hole. What is this, Sesame Street?

Since my procedure was on the world’s dime, I went with the upgrade. When my sperm cells hit that sheepshank, it’s Good Night, Irene. You can hear Lead Belly’s walking base line as far north as my sternocleidomastoid.

X-ray of my vasectomy. Get a load of that bad boy, huh bro? Public domain.

Closing thoughts

I’m not saying my pituitary isn’t also worth a good 800 words. Stay tuned. My fibula’s meh, but I’d stack my Jacobson’s Organ up against anyone’s.

Maybe not Jacobson.

Want an email heads-up for new articles? Click me.

Want to join Medium? Click me.

Thanks to Eagle Eye Amy Sea!

Got a MuddyUm Jones?

Brand art courtesy of David Todd McCarty.
Humor
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