Doomsday Heads-Up

It’s the Kent of the World as We Know It, and I Feel Fine

Submit, humans, you’re surrounded

You have questions. Totally understandable.

You want to know why, when you Google the name “Kent Jones,” there’s so damn many hits. There’s eight KJ’s on Medium alone.

I hear it every day, “Kent, I can’t find you, there are hundreds of you.”

If this seems confusing, that’s because we planned it that way.

If “we” makes it sound like a giant conspiracy, that’s because it is.

****Frequently Asked Kent Jones****

What the hell are you talking about?

I won’t read you the entire mission statement, but “Kent Jones” is a collective multiverse of identically named operatives working to strangle your sad dreams of self-will like a slow-curling fist. I’m paraphrasing.

Why “Kent Jones”?

Adopting the most boring, Normcore name possible allows us to be everywhere and nowhere. If A) everyone is Kent Jones, then B) no one is Kent Jones. Correct answer: A.

For law enforcement, finding a fugitive Kent Jones is like finding a fire ant in a rotten log.

How long has this been going on?

Since long before the Kentaissance.

As it says in Kentesis, “In the Be-Kent-ing, God created the Kents and the earth.”

Are there female Kent Joneses?

Rihanna? Kent Jones. Megan Thee Stallion? Kent Jones. Awkwafina? Nope. Kent Jones.

Pollsters wonder, can Joe Biden maintain his statistical advantage with suburban Kent Joneses in the battleground states?

So, yes. Female KJ’s everywhere. Excellent disguise. Pink? Her too.

Isn’t there a rapper named Kent Jones?

Is there a rapper not named Kent Jones?

So just how many Kent Joneses are there?

Kent Jones joke: What do you call Joseph Campbell’s Hero With A Thousand Faces? A good start. Add a Thousand Villains, and a Thousand Bystanders and we’re getting somewhere.

We play more parts than Tom Hanks in “Cloud Atlas.”

The Illuminati? The Masons? Bilderberg Group? Wholly owned subsidiaries.

If you are assimilated into the Borg, just know that the Borg has already been assimilated into the Kent Jones.

“I am the All, and the All has gone out from me and the All has come back to me. Cleave the wood: I am there; lift the stone and thou shalt find me there!”

That’s actually about Jesus but for a second there, you weren’t sure.

It’s not the Force that penetrates us and binds us, it’s Kent Jones.

Astronomers estimate that Dark Matter consists of 73% Kent Jones.

So, why does Kent Jones want to destroy humanity?

It’s a team building exercise, really. Corporate synergy. We’re also planning one of those fake murder mystery dinners.

So how long do we have left?

It won’t be until after the murder mystery dinner. And we take two weeks in December so…

What does the T. in T. Kent Jones stand for?

Let’s keep the fabric of space/time where it is, shall we?