avatarSally Prag

Summary

The article discusses the importance of self-care for parents, emphasizing that a parent's well-being is crucial for the happiness of their children, as illustrated by the author's friend Hannah's struggle with Chronic Fatigue and the challenges she faced in managing her daughter's school transportation.

Abstract

The narrative centers on the author's friend, Hannah, a parent who has fallen ill with Chronic Fatigue, which has significantly impacted her ability to care for her daughter, Sadie. The article highlights the dilemma Hannah faced when deciding whether to move Sadie to a different school to qualify for free transport or to rely on the community for help. Despite the strain on Hannah's health and the stress of securing regular transportation for Sadie, Hannah chose to keep her daughter in her current school to avoid disrupting her education. This decision, while made with the best intentions for Sadie, led to Hannah's further physical and emotional decline. The author reflects on the importance of parents prioritizing their own well-being, as a healthy and happy parent is essential for raising a happy child. The article concludes with the author's regret for not advising Hannah to consider the option that might have been less taxing on her health, underscoring the lesson that sometimes the best way to care for one's children is to ensure one's own needs are met first.

Opinions

  • The author believes that the well-being of parents is often overlooked, yet it is fundamental to the well-being of their children.
  • The article suggests that societal expectations for parents to sacrifice their own needs for their children can be detrimental.
  • It is implied that the decision to prioritize a child's immediate educational stability over a parent's health can have negative long-term consequences.
  • The author expresses a sense of personal responsibility for not having advised Hannah to take the path that might have been easier on her health.
  • The narrative conveys empathy for Hannah's situation and admiration for her dedication as a parent, while also highlighting the need for a support system in such challenging times.
  • The author advocates for a shift in perspective where the importance of a parent's self-care is recognized and valued as much as their care for their children.

Even as a Parent, You Have to Fill Your Own Cup First

Yet, most parents I know will sacrifice everything for their children

Photo by Xavier Mouton Photographie on Unsplash

A phrase I often used to repeat was:

“A happy child makes a happy parent.”

And, if you’re a parent, I suspect you would agree with that.

It sucks when our children are struggling emotionally with anything.

If they are experiencing challenges with friendships, it hurts us. When they are having their confidence crushed because they never get commended by their teachers for their achievements, we will do anything we can to find a way to lift their self-belief.

On the other hand, when our children are happy, everything flows so much more easily. We don’t need to spend our time and energy worrying about them, losing sleep, and tearing our hair out to work out how to make things better.

They flow…so we flow…

It stands to reason that we will always naturally default to that way of thinking:

A happy child makes a happy parent.

But what we fail to also take into account is this:

A happy parent also makes a happy child.

And it’s painful when you see someone learn this the hard way.

My friend, Hannah

Hannah isn’t a close friend, as such.

She was my youngest child’s childminder and grew to be a friend through this.

I invited her and her family for my fortieth birthday party, but I would never have thought to invite her out for a drink and a girlie chat just with me. Our kids are of different ages — not vastly, but different enough to not form close friendships.

She stopped childminding for me when she first became ill.

Over the months that followed, she became sicker and eventually was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue, just before the schools re-opened after UK Lockdown 3.0 in March 2021. She was told to avoid driving if possible, and rest most of the day.

Avoiding driving might not be a big deal for many but they lived rurally and needed to drive to get anywhere.

Her son, the eldest of her two children, was at secondary school and had free transport to get there but her daughter, Sadie, attended a village primary school whose “catchment area” Hannah lived outside of. Therefore, the local education authority refused free transport for Sadie.

They did offer, however, to give her a place in the school where she could qualify for free transport.

Now, Sadie only had one-and-a-half years left at the primary school before she would join her brother at secondary school, and so Hannah and her husband, Aaron, decided they didn’t want to disrupt her schooling and would find a way to manage. This meant asking other parents to help out by giving Sadie lifts since Aaron worked full time and wasn’t around to drive at that time.

So began a long year-and-a-half of relying solely on the kindness of other people.

Since it is a rural school, there are many parents who drive their kids there, and many who pass within half a mile of Hannah’s house, so it shouldn’t have been too much of a big deal.

However, many already had full cars, since they were lift-sharing with other parents, making their own lives easier by not having to drive on every school run. Hannah couldn’t reciprocate with lifts, and so she lost out on possible places in cars.

And then there were those who were managing tiny people as well as their school-aged kids, or rushing from work and rushing back to get to their zoom meetings or get the kids to a football training session or swimming class. Going out of their way and accommodating another child was added stress and an inconvenience, or just didn’t fit.

While everyone wanted to offer a helping hand, the strain of committing to weekly lifts on particular days was not easy and only a few parents were able to say yes to that weekly commitment.

Aaron had to arrange to work from home one day per week in order to be able to do the lifts on the day they couldn’t find any help.

And then there were the days that the children of the helping parents were off sick. Hannah would drag herself down to school on those days, mustering every ounce of energy she had, and struggling with the social onslaught of meeting other parents at the school gate. Something she was now so unaccustomed to.

On one of these occasions, as she was driving Sadie home, she was gazing at the beautiful moorland all around. It was bathed in the winter sunshine and looked glorious, and she mentioned how much she missed going for walks with Sadie after school.

“I miss going for walks too,” said Sadie, sadly.

Suddenly, it all became too much for Hannah and the tears began to well up in her eyes. No longer able to see where she was going, she pulled over and wept, and wept.

Sadie broke down in tears too, and the two of them got out of the car and hugged and cried in the sunshine, surrounded by the wide-open land that called to them both.

After some time, Hannah realized that if she didn’t finish the drive home soon, she wouldn’t have the energy to even do it. Reluctantly, she tore herself away from the glory of the sun and landscape and got back in the car to go home.

I am one of the parents who volunteered to drive Sadie on certain days. I stop and talk with Hannah whenever I can, and I see what all of this is doing to her.

Her life is led on tenterhooks, often finding out on the day that she is without a lift for Sadie, and trying to beg someone to stand in for the missing lift. The stress is only adding to her low emotional state and draining her all the more.

She is exhausted and each day pulls her deeper into anxiety and fatigue.

A year ago, I saw a woman with hope; that this temporary situation would work out and life would be manageable. Today, I see a broken woman who has only sunk further into the depths of her illness, rather than nurtured her needs and navigated a life around them.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, except when it isn’t.

When this all began, I wanted to say to Hannah that perhaps accepting the school place and the free transport would be the best gift to herself. Chances were that Sadie would make friends easily and the disruption would soon be ironed out.

But I didn’t, because I didn’t feel that it was my place.

Today, however, I regret this decision.

Hannah deserved to have her cup filled first.

And Sadie deserved a mother whose cup was being filled first.

Because of that one little rule we often forget…

A happy parent also makes a happy child.

I wish I could do something that would really help. But I can’t fill Hannah’s cup for her.

Only she can.

Thanks for reading!

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If you enjoyed that, then you may enjoy another of mine:

And this beautiful yet harrowing account of near-death experience and the post-natal realities by Janet Meisel:

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