Learning to Let Go Is Necessary

No matter how hard it is to let them stray from your nest

With my oldest daughter almost nineteen and my youngest eleven (and a half — she hates it when I forget the half), I have started reflecting more and more on what the next chapter will look like.

Empty nest. The dreaded words.

I know the little one isn’t really there yet, but it seems like my oldest was eleven yesterday, so I also know her adulthood will be here in the blink of an eye.

I have lived my life for them for almost twenty years, so I am not sure what to do with myself when they do build their own homes and lives, but I will figure it out.

And I want the world for them. I want them to live their dreams and reach for the stars.

The last thing I would ever want to do is hold them back.

My empty nest is not their chapter to figure out.

Shockingly, it seems like more and more of my own peers, parents with children the same age as mine, don’t agree with that last statement. They don’t bust their butts to set their kids up for success.

And by that, I mean they don’t encourage their children to grow, to push on to the next chapter. To move forward into who the children want to be, instead of the parent allowing, or even insisting, that they stay stuck in the stasis of now.

As much as I struggle with the concept of my kids being adults, I never want to hold them back in any way. I want them to have the confidence to spread their wings and fly as hard and high and far away from me as their hearts are calling them to.

I never want them to feel like they have to stay by my side, to be limited by my own life choices.

Building the groundwork for that starts long before eighteen, or even eleven.

From the beginning, you have to start helping your children strive for each next level of independence.

And each level smarts a bit. Being needed is often a mother’s comfort zone.

But how vital it is that we teach them that they don’t need us for every little thing.

When they are little, it’s simple things, like teaching them to clean up their toys, and in my house at least, this was accompanied by a little song. (I miss the clean-up song. *sniff, sniff*)

As they grow, so do the steps of independence.

They learn the basics of cooking and cleaning and riding a bike and the joy of sleepovers, and on and on it goes.

Driving away in their car for the first time is a doozy. Heart-stoppingly scary for me, and I’m sure almost all of my fellow parents felt the same way.

But it is such an important step for them.

I know a surprising number of kids my oldest daughter’s age who still can’t drive a car and still don’t have a job, with no idea how to budget money or purchase things for themselves.

I worry about these kids’ ability to function in the world as the pressure increases with each step into adulthood.

I totally understand the urge to protect our children.

Honestly, it takes everything in me not to try to influence my daughter’s choices too much for her age. My heart still cries out for me to swaddle her in the world’s largest receiving blanket and stuff her in a bassinette, where my eyes can rove over her and assure me to my heart’s content that she is safe, right where I left her.

But how can they ever learn to trust themselves if we don’t trust them and teach them that they are trustworthy?

There is nothing wrong with wanting to help your kids. Parents are supposed to do that, even long into adulthood, whenever they can, but a child should have the confidence to make age-appropriate decisions without feeling like they aren’t capable.

There’s a difference between throwing your kids to the wolves by providing no guidance, no rules, and no advice and hindering their vital development because you can’t get over your own insecurities and fear about them growing up.

I never want to be the obstacle standing in the way of my children’s dreams.

Whether I mean to stunt them or not, the results would be the same.

So, I make sure to do regular check-ins with myself.

Am I encouraging her independence, whether it’s the youngest’s urge to make new friends or my oldest one’s yearning for travel?

Do I have their back in all the ways I should?

Reminders of safety are important, but so, too, is forcing yourself to let go. Whether it’s prying your fingers off the back of that first two-wheel bike or something far scarier, you have to learn to let go.

Let go, so they can race into their future.

You’ll still be there when they circle back.

And they will circle back.

They’ll touch base at home, and then they’ll take flight again.

As they should.

A mother bird is supposed to teach her young to fly, so they can soar the skies, long after she is able to.