Stoicism and Love

What ancient philosophy teaches us about modern relationships

If someone is incapable of distinguishing good things from bad and neutral things from either — well, how could such a person be capable of love? The power to love, then, belongs only to the wise man. — Epictetus

In the modern-English sense of the word “love” can encompass a lot of different meanings depending on the nature of the relationship of the individuals in question. We have romantic love (eros); familial love (philostorgia); platonic love (philia); unconditional love. It can also have other, more negative connotations such as obsessive or unrequited love.

If a Stoic is to live in accordance with nature, they should not deny themselves love

The age-old myth that Stoics reject emotion and lack the ability to feel or fall in love is something that they had to work hard to debunk, including the notion that all Stoics refrain from falling in love for fear that it will contradict their philosophy. This, of course, is incorrect, and if a Stoic is to live in accordance with nature, they should not deny themselves love, one of the most natural human emotions.

In this article, we will be taking a look into the Stoics’ approach to love, what they said about it and how they refrain from the more negative emotions that can arise in the name of love. I will mainly be referring to Stoic attitudes towards romantic love (eros), as opposed to the non-romantic types of love, as for the most part, they are unconditional and occur on a more biological nature.

Virtue

Before delving into how Stoics approach to love, it is important to refresh our minds on the fundamental teachings of Stoicism, the four cardinal virtues. Musonius Rufus argued that if a person decides to engage in sex, this does not mean that the person lacked wisdom, justice, courage and/or moderation. His interpretation of the virtues meant that he was not so much bogged down with the semantics of how people expressed love or explored when it came to sexuality and monogamy.

Musonius Rufus did identify certain instances when relationships are not virtuous. For example, non-consensual sexual acts within a relationship; maltreatment of a partner; infidelity within a monogamous couple; and obsession. These are all situations when negative thoughts and actions eclipse judgement, therefore, affect the virtue of an individual.

Not all Stoics adapted such a liberal approach to relationships as Musonius Rufus. Cicero did discuss the existence of “pure love”, however, was clear to point out that in most cases, what we believe to be love, is actually lust. Therefore, he had reservations in the more casual interactions Musonius Rufus spoke of. In Cicero’s opinion, for a wise person to engage in a romantic relationship, they must be free of negative emotions, stating that it should be ‘free from disquietude, from longing, from anxiety, from sighing.’

It is important as a Stoic or someone interested in Stoicism to debunk the misconception that Stoics have an aversion to human affection. That is simply not the case, however, Stoics value the virtues above all else in life. Any other positive emotions felt outside the remits of the virtues were merely a bonus, the Stoics referred to this as a preferred indifference.

Romantic relationships and even lust (when used correctly) can be a part of a virtuous life, providing that the union is consensual and mutually beneficial and the emotions do not prevent an individual from living in accordance with nature. In the same stretch, the Stoics were keen to point out a person could live a full and virtuous life without having found a romantic partner.

Eudaimonia

The Stoics approached love and passion with a degree of caution. In Stoicism, there is a fine line between the rational and the irrational. Stoic happiness, eudaimonia, is a life of apatheia- which is a life without fear, pain, and other negative emotions but also without desire or passion.

There is a concern amongst Stoics that a loving companionship can prevent eudaimonia through tumultuous passions and extreme emotions. Although love is a core part of eudaimonic life, it is important for a Stoic to avoid a love that will allow room for over-indulgence, greed and excessive passion to the detriment of their virtues.

Stoics on pleasure

Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.— Marcus Aurelius

Something that is synonymous with love is pleasure, and as mentioned above, romantic love is a preferred indifferent, in that it is nice to experience, but it is not essential for a good life. However, the Stoics realised that pleasure and sexual exploration are important in that initial, hormonal phase of a romance.

After all, the physical side of a relationship is the only thing that sets a romance apart from a friendship, therefore it is necessary. The virtuous relationship in which Stoics refer to is a mutually loving and committed union, based on trust and friendship.

The Stoics were very quick to point out that casual relationships that solely rely on the physical desires and attraction or the seeking of pleasure, lack depth and fulfilment, this type of relationship is fundamentally against the idea of apatheia, and therefore should be avoided.

Unrequited love

With regard to whatever objects give you delight, are useful or are deeply loved, remember to tell yourself of what general nature they are, beginning from the most insignificant things. — Epictetus

This has always been ruled out by the Stoics as preposterous, and they feel it must be avoided at all costs. Epictetus’ dichotomy of control states that you should only spend time worrying about things which are within your control, considering that other people’s feelings are not, their unreturned feelings should not concern you.

There is little need for Stoics to concern themselves with such a risk of potential trauma or the hurt feelings that are associated with unrequited love. In addition, Stoicism teaches that our own feelings are temporary, this is especially applicable when we find out in the initial attraction period that the other person does not reciprocate those feelings, the feelings you once had will eventually fade away.

For Stoics, it is not the attraction to a person that makes one happy, but living a virtuous life that can be built upon by another, and if that is stripped away due to unrequited love, the attraction serves no purpose, therefore should be forgotten.

Love and loss

You have buried someone you loved. Now look for someone to love. It is better to make good the loss of a friend than to cry over him. — Seneca

Stoicism teaches us about the importance of everything. As negative as it sounds, there are two outcomes of any romantic relationship; a breakup, or a death. Stoics fully accept that they can lose their loved ones any day, therefore most Stoics use the practice of memento mori to help prepare themselves for the loss of their spouse or loved ones.

Along this same notion, Epictetus encouraged the practice of premeditatio malorum, and reminded us that we have an allotted time for love, be it six months, six years or sixty. With that said, Epictetus taught not to be consumed by the love you have for this person, but to work on yourself to be the best companion you can be for your partner.

That way, when you and your partner separate either through a breakup or death, you will be left with the gratitude that it happened at all, it is important to remember the love you felt, and not to grieve the absence.

Final Thoughts

Opinions on love and relationships vary from person to person, a person’s idea of love differs depending on their own personal experiences, their ethics/faith, and also the wider societal context during their lifetime. Individuals can seem jaded or a ‘hopeless romantic’ in their approach to relationships, and others may seem incredibly liberal or ultra-conservative in their definition of what a relationship should look like.

This is why, even within Stoicism there are a lot of differing views, especially in the divide between Athenian Stoicism and the Roman revival, as there was in general a more conservative shift in sexual exploration and marriage unions. The Stoics, however, do agree on the avoidance of the wrong kind of love. A Stoic must not become too impassioned by lust, nor to indulge themselves in unrequited feelings or toxic relationships.

It is important to remember that Stoicism teaches it is better to be alone than in the wrong kind of relationship. It is important to value yourself as much as you value your partner. By not allowing yourself to succumb to initial passions or the notion of ‘undying love’, it can help prevent being taken advantage of, or being emotionally manipulated.

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