Empathy In A Culture Of Pain

We need peace workers more than ever

Humans take four years to develop a full understanding of the distinction between self and others. This distinction is a prerequisite for empathy. Unfortunately, empathy is a “use it or lose it” skill and many humans have lost it. Yes, my that’s tongue-in-cheek humor. Now let me introduce you to the theory of mind.

If you ask a three-year-old to predict the behavior of someone, the three-year-old will make the prediction based only on what they know. They will not consider the other person’s store of knowledge.

For example, if you trick the child by pouring marbles from their favorite cereal box, they will be amazed that you tricked them. If you let them watch you put the marbles back in the box and close it, they will remember that marbles, not cereal, are in the box.

The development marker that allows the human brain to use complex thinking patterns to distinguish between self and others is critical to positive social engagement.

If you ask the three-year-old what their mother will think is in the closed cereal box when she walks in the room, what will the child say? Most three-year-olds will say “marbles.”

Get it? Three-year-olds can’t distinguish between the information in their mind and the mind of another person. Since they now know there are marbles in the box, they think mom will too.

Wait just a year later and the same child will laugh with you knowing that the mother will be tricked into thinking cereal is in the box. The child knows that mom’s store of knowledge is different.

The development marker that allows the human brain to use complex thinking patterns to distinguish between self and others is critical to positive social engagement. Developing “theory of mind” allows us to perspective-take as well as hypothesize about the thoughts of others with reasonable accuracy. This maturation of the mind supports human empathy.

Pain Overshadows Empathy

I’ll speak to the patterns I observe in the United States and say that many of us lose this ability throughout our lifespan. Our cultural patterns suggest that we do not think critically about the experience of others. We seem to be addicted to pain rather than harmony.

When we observe others’ perspectives, we are likely to challenge them, knock them down, or prove ourselves to be right too often. Our human capability of understanding the complexity of mental experience is ignored.

Social media isn’t so social

Social media has unleashed social monsters with no constraint. Big bad wolves are ready to blow down your house. I wonder if we have created too much cultural pain to express the evolution of empathy.

Knowing what I do about human psychology, spirituality, and evolution, I can only assume that all the pain the United States has been built on is soot on our souls. We are so far removed from our intended nature. We can’t see our fellow humans because we can’t see ourselves.

There were over a million violent crimes in America in 2019. That statistic doesn’t include the more than 60 million adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. This is also without addressing the psychological harm of overt and covert oppression. This much violence and pain can only be created by an addiction to pain. The addiction overrides empathy.

Pain has made us critical, not critical thinkers, just critical. When life has felt unjust, we sometimes become the judge of everything and everyone. We aren’t looking to understand. We are looking to attack.

Under COVID restrictions statistics on abuse of all kinds has risen. That includes child abuse, domestic violence, and elder abuse. Moreover, the pain we can no longer spew in person is clearly evident online.

Healing Softens

I hate the saying that “hurt people hurt people.” The saying explains nothing and doesn’t direct us back to empathy. When half the population is dealing with some type of trauma, the culture is in trouble. We must address the culture of the problem, not label individuals as hurt people who hurt people.

Healing softens us back up. That’s what many people are afraid of in a culture addicted to pain. They stick to the belief that being hard protects them from harm. It doesn’t. Being conscious protects us from harm.

We can ask conscious questions without insulting others. We can reject offers without being offended by them. We can recognize that someone else may benefit from opportunities that don’t suit us. These interactions represent consciousness. You can decide if you want to defend yourself or transform yourself through consciousness.

Conscious Living

We can return to the humility of childhood to live fully in adulthood. Remember the belief we had in the world before inhumanity struck our lives? I know some of us have never known a life that hasn’t been touched by inhumanity. That may make the work harder, but not impossible.

Consciousness is universal, not personal. Personal awareness is not consciousness. Having a goal to improve your marriage or become a better professional or to take care of your body is fine. But, consciousness goals have to do with being a positive force in ‘the world,’ not just your world. It is a return to the theory of mind.

Small life

In a culture addicted to pain, the way to look bigger is to make someone smaller. In a conscious mind, the way to ‘be’ bigger (not look bigger) is to allow your ego to become small. Become so small that insults thrown at you will miss. Gestures intended to hurt you will go over your head. Mean people will walk around you, not over you. It’s impossible to bend a piece of rice.

Tearing someone to pieces cannot make you whole. Understanding your brokenness is a conscious goal. You aren’t broken because someone hurt you. You are broken because you don’t understand your connectedness to others. Each time you intentionally kill someone’s spirit, you hold a gun to your own head — figuratively speaking.

Manners for Humanity

You are entitled to all of your feelings. However, what you do with your feelings matters. Don’t make human beings your personal journal where you vomit all of your negative feelings so you can feel better.

As Hubbel eloquently writes, “you can write out your poison, but the larger question is whether in doing so publicly we are adding value to people’s lives or adding further poison and pain to theirs?”

You can write out your poison, but the larger question is whether in doing so publicly we are adding value to people’s lives or adding further poison and pain to theirs? — Hubbel

Don’t graffiti up people’s online space with negative comments to look smart or “woke.” Your feelings can just be your feelings to work through internally. In a culture addicted to pain, we must resist the urge to pass along discomfort no matter how much misery loves company.

Lead with love

Life is lived better through the eyes of love. Love creates boundaries for oneself instead of breaking through the boundaries of others. Love opens safe space for people, not threaten the work of others. Love invites diversity of thought, not force ideas down people’s throat. Love does not fear differences. Love is courageous. In a world where everyone is trying to find their voice on one platform or another, be kind.

Ironically, asking people to be kind will anger many. That’s the nature of pain addiction. Nevertheless, the invitation is extended. More importantly, those of us who wake up each day trying to make the world a better place, I want you to be encouraged. We can’t see the whole picture, and social media certainly doesn’t give us a full view.

Lightworkers, peace workers, and justice makers stand by. Evolution will have the last word in human development. Our work is not in vain, even in a culture addicted to pain.

References

Bakari, R. (2020) Breaking Your Addiction to Pain. Illumination on Medium. https://readmedium.com/breaking-your-addiction-to-pain-ca92d6a6bdc6

Hubbel, J. (2020). Inside Voice, Outside Voice. Illumination on Medium. https://readmedium.com/inside-voice-outside-voice-7ac80900c21e

Rojas, G. (2020). If you want to Level Up Use Humility as a Powerful Tool. Illumination Curated on Medium. https://readmedium.com/if-you-want-to-level-up-use-humility-as-a-powerful-tool-172a6d789e22

Ruhl, C. (2020). Theory of Mind. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/theory-of-mind.html

Thomas, E. Y., Anurudran, A., Robb, K., & Burke, T. F. (2020). Spotlight on child abuse and neglect response in the time of COVID-19. The Lancet. Public health, 5(7), e371. https://doi.org/10.1016/S2468-2667(20)30143-2