avatarAvi Kotzer

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Abstract

to tell others why someone is setting you on edge, it often sounds so trivial. As the words are coming out of your mouth, you find yourself thinking, “Wow, I probably sound super paranoid.”</p><p id="2b40">So, instead of going with your gut, you tell yourself the innocent explanation must be the correct one. You keep going along with it.</p><p id="2666">All those pink flags only start looking red once you’ve seen enough of them — <b>once you’ve noticed a clear pattern emerging.</b></p><p id="a47d">Depending on how experienced you are at dealing with people’s shit and how overt the asshole you’re dealing with is, it could take hours, days, months, or years before you piece it all together.</p><p id="619a">Recently, I had someone reach out to me who gave me kind of weird vibes. I felt like he was laying the groundwork for something (what exactly, I don’t know, but something).</p><p id="dc34">First, he reached out with some effusive praise on one of my articles. But he did it as a private message, not as a regular response.</p><p id="6e44">That made me a bit ill at ease. But I had a hard time really understanding why. I mean, private messages are a thing, and he didn’t say anything off color in it.</p><p id="a878">The private messages kept coming. I ignored them (can’t clap on private messages and I had nothing to say), but had the same odd feeling that I couldn’t fully explain.</p><p id="0ced">Eventually, he gave me some effusive praise and I thanked him. He responded within an hour asking if we could talk off Medium. Ostensibly, it was so we didn’t have to deal with the character limit (though there would have been none if he had just sent me regular responses).</p><p id="75b2">I decided to check out some of his stuff. The first thing that stood out was a very misogynistic article. And then I came across not one but two love letters he wrote to an unnamed Medium writer, each of them with a strong stalker vibe. (I don’t know if they were about me or not, but either way, they were creepy.)</p><p id="b8fb">When I told him I didn’t want to move my relationships with my readers off Medium, he made up an excuse and backpedaled. He claimed he was a professional sex coach and only wanted to offer me some advice about my clitoris.</p><p id="d078">Then, before the day was over, he went back to a post I wrote weeks before called <a href="https://readmedium.com/no-one-owes-you-a-chance-bef1a3ac4072">No One Owes You a Chance</a>. He left a lengthy response that implied that women who don’t give him a chance (e.g. me, just earlier) are bitter, angry, heartless bitches.</p><p id="9b52"><b>Yeah, his intentions were <i>totally </i>professional…</b></p><p id="fe6b">At that point, I cut communication with him before he could try to take things further. I blocked him. He deleted his response. And I hope that’ll be the last of it.</p><p id="0089">Now, given everything I know now — especially those super stalkery posts — it’s clear to me that the private messaging was a red flag. It’s also clear that asking to communicate off Medium is a bit of a red flag here. It’s quite likely he was laying the groundwork for something.</p><p id="a8c5" type="7">But up until that point, each of those individual actions seemed kind of innocent. Pink flags at best.</p><p id="682a">And that’s another way women “ignore” red flags — because each of them on their own doesn’t look that bad.</p><h1 id="3135">“Not All Men” Men Need to Sit the Fuck Down</h1><p id="f59f">There’s one more reason women ignore red flags. <b>We’re constantly being told we should.</b></p><p id="ec92">One big part of the problem is all the men who cry out “Not All Men” whenever women discuss the shit they deal with.</p><p id="c488">We have a lot of reasons for sharing our stories — it’s cathartic, it’s healing, and it helps us bond and understand each other.</p><p id="640e" type="7">It’s also a way of issuing warnings.</p><p id="2010">It’s because we share our bad experiences that we know about fuckboys and how to spot them. Or what to do if our boyfriend turns out to be a narcissist. Or that “Nice Guys” often have a total disregard

Options

for our sexual consent.</p><p id="02c9"><b>That shit’s fucking critical.</b></p><p id="4234">I didn’t have those kinds of conversations when I was younger and I didn’t have access to them online. So, I ended up in some risky situations, or got too close to guys who deep down did not give a shit about me, because I was figuring it all out on my own.</p><p id="8542">But now when we finally share our stories so that we can show each other (and clue some guys in) the red flags and pink flags we need to be mindful of, we keep hearing from men who are annoyed that we’re painting them with a broad brush.</p><p id="3147">Sometimes they don’t say “not all men.” Sometimes, they say that we should give guys a chance even if we feel weird. Sometimes, they say it’s not fair that they get treated like potential rapists just because they were being really forward because damnit they mean well.</p><p id="9486"><b>But in the end, what they’re doing is telling us not to trust our instincts. </b>They’re telling us that we need to give men the benefit of the doubt. They’re telling us to set aside our gut feelings because following them might mean we’re judging a decent guy too harshly.</p><p id="a9f5" type="7">And that’s one of the reasons women ignore red flags — because we’re constantly told we should, even when protecting men’s egos puts us at more serious risk.</p><p id="440e">I’m sure it sucks being treated with suspicion, but there’s a reason we have to be suspicious even if it has nothing to do with you personally. Those guards she’s putting up — the ones that make it trickier for you to interact with her — <b>they might be the only thing keeping her from being abused or having the worst night of her life.</b></p><p id="0515">So if you ever feel like a woman is unfairly treating you like a potential threat, understand that she has to put her safety first. <b>She deserves your empathy, not your contempt.</b></p><p id="cbb2"><a href="https://emmaaustin.substack.com/p/welcome-to-my-newsletter"><b><i>Let’s keep in touch! Sign up for my weekly newsletter</i></b></a><b><i> (I won’t send you anything without your enthusiastic consent!)</i></b></p><p id="0320"><b>❤ If you liked this post, you might also love:</b></p><div id="c7dc" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-real-reason-shes-not-being-honest-with-you-76ebab3ff50c"> <div> <div> <h2>The Real Reason She’s Not Being Honest With You</h2> <div><h3>She wants to be straightforward — it’s just not safe</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*5gk1jvdsTLP_qzsFVPr3tg.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="17a8" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/men-hitting-on-women-online-need-to-up-their-game-8c077ca48fc"> <div> <div> <h2>Men Hitting on Women Online Need to Up Their Game</h2> <div><h3>It’s not hard — here’s how to do it</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*M_wLC7GCweb2S5mI8TLexw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="0e7a" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/signs-your-new-boyfriend-might-be-a-narcissist-e55b2e6d7e2b"> <div> <div> <h2>Signs Your New Boyfriend Might Be a Narcissist</h2> <div><h3>After years of narcissistic abuse, I’m on the lookout for red flags</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*xekbc_KPuOOC_xD8maW9Kw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Emic

How do you see the elephant in the room?

Today’s New York Times Spelling Bee letters:

Art: Iva Reztok

C, E, I, L, P, O, and center M (all words must include M)

Merriam-Webster says…

Credit: merriam-webster.com

Silly little dictionary! Don’t you know emic can’t possibly be a word if the New York Times says it ain’t?

For further fascinating facts, check out the Spelling Bee Master.

What’s your favorite dord* from today’s puzzle?

My Two Cents

One of the things I enjoy most about writing this column (which I try to do on a daily basis, September–December 2021 notwithstanding) is that I learn something new every time. And relearn a lot of stuff, too. There are times when the two situations combine to create a perfect storm of education: I learn something new about something I already knew.

Today is a great example of that. Have you heard about the story of the four blind men and the elephant? Perhaps you know it as the quartet of visually- impaired people and the pachyderm. In any case, did you know that fable is very much meta? And by meta I mean “showing or suggesting an explicit awareness of itself, or cleverly self-referential”.

Me, myself, and I

Our friends at Merriam-Webster explain that the term emic comes from the suffix of the word phonemic, and suggest we compare it to the word etic. So I’ll oblige and click:

Credit: merriam-webster.com

If you click fast enough between the two words, they mix together to form the word emetic, which means “an agent that induces vomiting”, like the action of clicking incessantly back and forth between two dictionary entries.

Turns out etic also originated from a suffix: phonetic.

Unsurprising conclusion: emic and etic are intimately related to each other and to linguistics. Phonemic speech is what you and I picture when we think of the sounds, or phonemes we make while speaking. This is what children are taught in school when learning which letters represent sounds.

Phonetic transcription directly specifies to how words of a certain language are pronounced to those people who do not speak the language. In many languages ––and English is one of them–– ordinary spelling of words doesn’t reliably reflect the actual pronunciation of said words. Because of that, a system known as the The International Phonetic Alphabet (IPA) was developed, as a standardized representation of speech sounds in written form. Here is the very intimidating chart created for that purpose:

Credit: International Phonetic Association

As an example, here is a phonemic transcription followed by a phonetic one of the word establishment:

/e/ /s/ /t/ /a/ /b/ /l/ /i/ /sh/ /m/ /e/ /n/ /t/

ɪˈstæblɪʃmənt

Quite the difference, huh?

The first known use of the linguistically-derived terms emic and etic was recorded in 1954, when coined by Kenneth Pike. Pike was an American linguist and anthropologist who invented a language ––Kalaba X–– for the sole purpose of helping with translation techniques. Pike died on December 31st, 2000, leaving us with the eternal debate about whether or not he lived in the 21st century.

According to Pike:

Emic” (as in “phonemics”) refers to the role of cultural and linguistic categories as understood from within the cultural or linguistic system that they are a part of, while “etic” (as in phonetics”) refers to the analytical study of those sounds grounded outside of the system itself.

Pike’s main thesis was that only native speakers could naturally determine emic descriptions, thus playing a key role in providing data for linguistic research. Meanwhile, the researchers themselves (from outside the linguistic group) applied scientific methods in the analysis of language, producing etic descriptions that could be verified and reproduced.

Pike became known for his his “monolingual demonstrations”. He would appear before an audience, along with several chalkboards. A speaker of a language unknown to Pike would be brought up. Using gestures and objects, and not asking questions in a language that the person might know, Pike would analyze the language right there before the audience.

I couldn’t find a video of Pike himself doing it, but I did find one from the Linguistic Society of America featuring Daniel Everett. It’s rather long, but check it out.

An elephant walks into a bar…

The story of the blind men and an elephant originated in the ancient Indian subcontinent centuries ago. It is now a well-known parable still taught in elementary schools across the world. The original plot involved a group of blind men who come across an elephant, which until that moment was an unknown animal to them. As each blind man feels a different part of the elephant’s body, such as the leg or the tusk, they describe the creature based on that limited experience. Of course, their descriptions of the elephant vary greatly amongst them. The moral of this story is that humans have a tendency to claim absolute truth based on their limited, subjective experience while ignoring other people’s limited, subjective experiences… which may be equally true.

Following is a condensed version of the tale; you can read more complete one here.

A group of blind men heard that a strange animal, called an elephant, had been brought to the town, but none of them were aware of its shape and form. Out of curiosity, they said: “We must inspect and know it by touch, of which we are capable”. So, they sought it out, and when they found it they groped about it. The first person, whose hand landed on the trunk, said, “This being is like a thick snake”. For another one whose hand reached its ear, it seemed like a kind of fan. As for another person, whose hand was upon its leg, said, the elephant is a pillar like a tree-trunk. The blind man who placed his hand upon its side said the elephant, “is a wall”. Another who felt its tail, described it as a rope. The last felt its tusk, stating the elephant is that which is hard, smooth and like a spear.

Art by Hanabusa Itchō

This story is seen as a metaphor in many disciplines. In quantum mechanics, it’s served as an analogy for the wave–particle duality. In biology, the way the blind men hold onto different parts of the elephant has been seen as a good analogy for the polyclonal B cell response.

Here’s where things get interesting, though. The fable can also cast light on the response of listeners or readers to the plot itself. In other words, just like the blind men’s multiple interpretations of the elephant, readers will also see different things reflected in the moral of this story.

Meta. “The blind men and the elephant” is meta!

Indian author and Sufi teacher Idries Shah has commented on this element of self-reference in the many interpretations of the tale, and its function as a teaching story:

…people address themselves to this story in one or more […] interpretations. They then accept or reject them. Now they can feel happy; they have arrived at an opinion about the matter. According to their conditioning they produce the answer. Now look at their answers. Some will say that this is a fascinating and touching allegory of the presence of God. Others will say that it is showing people how stupid mankind can be. Some say it is anti-scholastic. Others that it is just a tale copied by Rumi from Sanai — and so on.

What’s your take on this ancient fable? What conclusions or meaning do you derive from it, my dear readers?

After reading today’s column, one could not be faulted for thinking emic is a word. Yet, in a move we can describe only as etic, the editors of the Spelling Bee decided that emic is a dord*.

You can check out my previous entry on another dord* here:

*What the heck is a dord, you ask? Here’s the answer:

Spelling Bee
Language
Anthropology
History
Linguistics
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