Comedy
Eight Things I Hate About Italy, and You Will Probably Hate Too
I am now seriously unnerved by Italy.
Every time I visit, I come home depressed. I think afterward, why did I go there? To have so much fun and then have to go back to my mundane life and get depressed? No way, Italy, you must stop doing this to me, gal.
Italy, you and I have a score to settle. I am saturated with your beauty and the compliments you get, and I have a few things to get off my chest about you here.
I think this might also be useful for those thinking about going to Italy, especially for the first time. You may want to reconsider your trip plans. Hear me out:
1- First of all, the diversity of the food is actually a nightmare
Compared to Portugal, Italy is a bigger country.
Every little land has its typical dishes. We all know about the spaghetti Bolognese from Bologna, the breaded Milanese in Milan, the Venetian fritelle in Venice, and of course, the famous Neapolitan pizza in Naples.
The list is endless and actually annoying.
How the hell can we ever, in the time we have in this life, manage to have lunch in Milan in one day and be in Naples in some little bar shoving a Marguerita pizza down our throat while ordering a fresh Aperol?
And then, if we want a risotto down south, they’ll tell us to take the North road. Italy, this is no good!
One person can’t bend over multiple people and go on a rally through every little village to see where they make the best tortellini or where you eat the best antipasti.
Please, just stop. Make one dish and serve it everywhere to make tourists' lives much easier.
2- But it’s even worse when you actually find a great restaurant
This happened to us when we visited Florence. We found the best restaurant in Italy and maybe ever.
I could even tell you its name, but you risk becoming obsessed and depressed because you can’t go there to eat every day.
This is what happened to us.
On the first day in Florence, our friend told us to go to such a restaurant (okay, it’s called Za Za but be careful). So we went there, blindfolded as if going on a first date, sat down, and sometimes I wonder why we even stand up again…?
It was the best food I’ve ever had, and it clearly helped that the price was also good.
We returned the next day and cried when we had to leave Florence. Of course, we have the statue of David, the beautiful Duomo, the Uffizi museum, and the city that is so beautiful that it is so irritating… but even today, when we think about going to a restaurant, it makes us want to get on a plane and have lunch there…
Since it’s not that easy to do, and it would be an expensive meal, we stick to the pasta bought at the local Portuguese supermarket and a made-up sauce that just makes us angry because it’s not even close to the same flavor.
Oh man, this pisses me off!
3- This leads to the third point, getting addicted to Italy
We live in Europe and know the huge diversity of cultures here. But we made the mistake of starting in Italy.
Now, why was it a mistake?
Because when we fall in love, we don’t care about anything else. Italy entered as an obsession, and of course, being people who love eating, the food comes as a bonus.
But then it isn’t just that. No! It’s everything, be it the landscape, the sights, or the stupid and ridiculous diversity of different things in one country.
If we’re in Venice watching an opera with people dressed in 18th-century costumes, it doesn’t cross our minds that we’re in the same country where further south, people with different habits have inspired the Godfather movie. It’s this huge salad that baffles us.
And speaking of salads, grilled vegetables also get on my nerves because I can never make them in such a way when I return home.
Seriously, why don’t they just release the damn secret to all of us? Man…
4- The tomatoes “pomodori” also annoys me and are a mystery
Back in Portugal, we could buy cans of Barilla sauce or some other Italian thing that is proudly advertised as having been made with Italian tomatoes that have caught the sun and the perfume of those lands.
But nothing ever tastes as good as the tomatoes we eat there.
No, we have to stick to the damn tomatoes bought in Spain. Sorry Spain, later on, I’ll tell you some things as well…
5- The same with Parmigiano.
They should give up on this stupid cheese.
It’s blatantly sold as a good thing, but it’s just a drug that gets into your blood. Next thing you know, even back at home, you’ll see people searching for any brand of cheese as long as it has the symbol of Italy. As junkies, there they are, scraping the cheese, putting it in everything that is food.
And it’s everywhere, rice, pasta, pizza. Pineapples on pizza are fine, but not that cheese again…
6- A disaster for diets
Of course, my diet has taken a break that has lasted for months.
We went to Italy last May and went back again for a few days this past February. My April 2022 photos show an elegant, dry and sad woman, but as social media fashion and good manners dictate.
The same woman in May is happier, more flushed, with a fuller face, and with a skirt trying to hide a more prominent belly, which is not from pregnancy, but from three plates of pasta eaten with too much satisfaction… not to mention the endless ice cream.
Seriously, how Italians can remain elegant and not heavy is a mystery. Sure, they run etc., but they must run a lot. And I only see them running on their stupid motorbikes.
7- Exactly, who needs a Ducati, Ferrari, or Lamborghini?
These guys managed to take the time out of their lives to design high-speed cars and these crazy motorcycles, and then, of course, not even be able to use them in their cities with crooked streets, ups, and downs, full of history.
For me, they would tear all this down, make highways like a desert, and put these motorcycles racing there.
8- The Italians also think they are the greatest, for no reason at all.
Just because they had a Roman Empire doesn’t mean they are the greatest. They never talk about the Greeks, who formed democracy and are much cooler.
What did the Romans do?
Well, ok, aqueducts ok, and sanitation too… and of course, the roads… irrigation, education, medicine, and Bloody wine.
But apart from that? Please.
Not to mention the Latin that today confuses the English speakers, but that more or less joins the Portuguese, the Spanish, the Italian, the French… and what the hell did these guys give the world anyway?
And then they come along with the stupid Renaissance, coming out of the dark ages. Leonardo da Vinci and the Mona Lisa who looks like an extremely bored and boring woman. “It’s all a matter of perspective, they say,” but I don’t understand what they mean by this.
If all this isn’t unnerving, I don’t know what is!
There I go spending a few more bucks to go back to Italy to see if I can find more unnerving things. Don’t come with me, lest all this cause addiction, excess weight, and post-holiday depression.
And don’t say I didn’t warn you…
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