Ego Vs. Higher Self /Soul

Where Should My Attention Lie?

I never thought I had much of an ego, especially since I had such low self-esteem. I always thought that what little I did have — because surely we all have a little — could be easily tamed and I didn’t need to be in a hurry to do so. Such lovely youthful thinking.

And so I went on with my life, never once attempting to tame back any egotistical traits that I possessed. Surely they were minute! And then I began meeting people with humongous egos! Most of the time they came across as knowledgeable or self-assured, but it wasn’t until I became better acquainted with them that I realized how selfish they truly were. Of course, that made me perk up with pride and declare myself a selfless and giving person.

O the trappings, the trappings…

As the years and decades passed, I refused to see myself as one guided by her ego. And yet, I was. I had a dream of becoming a famous poet or writer, or even an editor for a large publishing house or magazine. I didn’t let anyone or anything stand in my way of pursuing that dream. I gave up marriage, relationships, having children and even spending time with family and friends if I thought any of that would interfere. I became stingy with my time and focused all of my attention on this path I’d laid out for myself.

Many friends and family members have said things like “Oh you were just pursuing a goal. Nothing wrong with that.” Right, just following the American Dream. Except, I trampled people beneath my feet to reach my goal. I just simply could not be bothered!

Then from late 1999 until mid 2001, a triad of tragedies struck. First, there was a mix-up with my financial aid at college, which prevented me from getting a CAS and my transcripts, thus ending my dream of being an editor. And then in early 2000, I’d gone to work for a big insurance company doing customer service and tech work. Less than a year into that job, I had a nervous breakdown and had to quit my job. In early 2001, I met a man who on the surface seemed like a really good guy, but after marriage and later a move nearly a thousand miles away from everything I knew, his malignant narcissism slowly surfaced and then exploded.

I realized then that since I thought my own ego was so small, the Universe was about to teach me what true ego looked, felt and sounded like. This began a thirteen year battle over my mental health. Not only did my husband’s personality disorder (Narcissistic Personality Disorder — NPD) disrupt my life , but my own (Borderline Personality Disorder — BPD) came out in full force and I blamed him and everyone around me for my personal woes. Suicidal thoughts became constant companions.

The ego comes in beguiling shades…

A series of fortunate events occurred within the next decade or so — from 2008 until recently. During this time, I was being treated in mental hospitals, put on a lot of medication and feeling somewhat like a zombie. However, I had enough mental capacity to leave my husband four times, to begin using Mindfulness as a means to help with the BPD, and I began to grasp that yes indeed, I had an ego problem. My final lesson came when I was diagnosed with Uterine cancer and suddenly had the will to live.

Things between my husband I were still strained. I was learning to let go of my ego and allow my Higher Self take over, and he was still very much stuck in his narcissistic ways. When my father fell ill in 2014, I went home to Virginia to be with him and help him. It wouldn’t be until 2018 before my husband and I reconciled. By this time, I was deep into Buddhism and letting go and he’d had a transition of his own — although still egotistical now and again, he was no longer led by his ego to the point of malignant narcissism.

Lessons, lessons, lessons…

So just what have I learned in these 50-something years of my life? Ego isn’t always this out-there, front-and-center beast. Sometimes, it is a little judgmental voice that gives you a tiny boost of misaligned self-esteem. Sometimes it thrives as that ME-ME-ME creature who blocks you off from friends and family. And sometimes, it is a reflection in a mirror that shows you just how egotistical you are, even if you think you are looking at someone who is worse than you.

I wasn’t completely wrong in believing that I could be selfless and giving. In my own egotistical ways, I could be both. And even if I didn’t point the finger at myself and shout to the world — “Look at the good I’ve done” — I did have my own shameful reasons for doing for others. It took me several years with a really great therapist to truly understand myself.

It is still a work in progress, but when I do for others now, it is because I want that spiritual, soul connection with them. I no longer care about what’s in it for me. This new attitude has opened me back up to friends and family and given me a better understanding of my husband (who still isn’t quite ready for a big change).

I now ask my Higher Self, “Is this for the good of all, or just myself?” If it is the former, I do. If the latter, I wait until it is for the highest good of all.

A big thank you to Diana C. at Know Thyself, Heal Thyself for this week’s prompt: All Things Ego

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Lori Carlson is a poet of mostly dark and/or confessional poetry. She also writes Haiku, Senryu and Tanka. Lori writes micro-fiction, drabbles, flash fiction, short fiction and novellas in the scifi, mystery and horror genres. She also writes articles and personal essays on Spirituality, Mental Health, Self-Help and Life Lessons. Lori received her B.A. in English and MALS at Hollins University in Roanoke Virginia. Ravyne Hawke is Lori’s online persona — the dark soul, blackened heart, and melancholic muse. Lori resides in NE Oklahoma with her husband, two temperamental cats (Izzy & Shugs) and a Husky named Max.