Eat, Pray, Estrogen
A year in transition
It’s been a year now since the surgery that changed my life
The problem with hormone blockers is that they only do half the job. As a trans woman with a certain medical background, testosterone still flowed freely throughout my body. The blockers just prevented my body from responding to the wrong hormones.
Well, from mostly responding to them. And mostly only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Having too much testosterone inflicted irreversible damage on my body. The parts making that abundance of testosterone simply felt wrong, like a tumor I’d forever been told was impossible to remove.
Life is short
Gender-affirming medical treatment was always possible. It’s only gotten more efficient and accessible, but it was always possible.
But first, my parents wouldn’t let me get appropriate medical care. Then I wouldn’t let myself.
I felt afraid to face what my parents had warned me was waiting for all women, especially one like me with transgender experiences.
If I went through with the surgery — if I removed my ability to disguise myself as a man — I felt afraid of facing men like my dad and brother as a woman, because to do so as a woman meant to see their abuse toward women clearly.
A year later, I’m glad fear didn’t stop me.
Do stuff that matters
On November 22, 2021, I took a masked selfie in the prep room at the Meltzer Clinic before being put under. After decades of fog, desperation, and anguish, I could feel hope. When I look at this photo, I can finally see that hope, too.
Pick the right surgery center
In my social media diary, I wrote:
I knew I’d picked the right surgery center when the nurse said, “I love your hair!”
I said, “Me too! Someone said it makes me look just like Sprite — ”
“FROM THE ETERNALS!!!” she finished.
Trans friends, the Meltzer Clinic is where you want to go. Wonderful people.
Then came surgery, sitting in a tree, S-N-I-P-P-I-N-G
On November 25, 2021, three days after surgery, I took a selfie showing the wholeness instantly clear in my eyes.
I agree with surgery critics that if you aren’t careful, body modification can become as compulsive an addiction as getting tattoos. But some surgeries truly do complete the person.
In just a few days, the hope went from my eyes to my smile.
And now I can look at this even more recent picture. Now I can see more than hope in my eyes.
As of November 25, 2022, I see life and a life worth living.
Today, I’m grateful
Today, I’m grateful for the wife who supported me through every step.
Today, I’m grateful for all the parts of me that fought to get this far. More than once, I wanted to give up.
If I ever feel like giving up again, I can look back on this and remember how much can change in one year.
Tiny steps are like tiny hormone injections. Just keep going and they add up over time.
To another year of estrogen!
Note: My surgeon was Dr. Ellie Zara Ley, who completed her own transition in 2015 and is now an accomplished and impeccably trained gender surgeon at the Gender Confirmation Center.
Go here (YouTube) for a 2022 interview with Dr. Ley.
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