26 Killer Comebacks to Nasty Remarks
The modern world is full of insults, this is a list of responses to those insults
You get insulted for being this that and everything these days. In this post, I present some responses that you can give to those insults.
Disclaimer: much wiseassery and snarkyness ahead. You have been warned.
“Who asked you?”
“Not you, clearly, you would have to have brains to ask me.”
“Go to hell.”
“How can I when you’re living proof I’m already in it?”
“You’re so full of shit.”
“You’re right and you’re the source.”
“Who made you the expert?”
“The same person that made you the expert.”
“You need to smile more.”
“It takes more muscles to frown than smile, and I like to keep my face fit and healthy thank you.”
“Why don’t you just try it, you might like it.”
“Why don’t you just try something you don’t like, you might like it.”
“Who are you looking at?”
“Nobody important, how about you?”
“You’re so skinny, you should eat a sandwich.”
“I would love to, but clearly you’ve eaten them all.”
“You need to go on a diet.”
“You need to start living a little, then maybe you would have something more interesting to do than telling other people what they need to do.”
“It must suck being so tall.”
“Not really, there is a reason that Kings used to build their castles on the top of tall hills.”
“It must suck being so short.”
Male version: “I’m sure that’s what Lionel Messi thinks every time he plays football.”
Male version alternative: “I’m sure that’s what Jack Ma, Mark Zuckerberg, and the majority of the other billionaires, most of whom are under six-foot, think.”
Female version: “I’m sure that’s what Scarlett Johansson thinks every time she kicks ass in a film.”
Female version alternative: “I’m sure that’s what Queen Victoria thought while ruling over the largest empire in history.”
“You’re the ugliest person I’ve ever seen.”
“You see what you love, the fact you think I’m ugly is the greatest compliment you could ever give me.”
“You’re the least sexy person ever.”
“That’s only because you’re the worst person ever for making a person feel sexy.”
“You are dating someone older/younger than you, that is so wrong.”
“Jealous are you, fetishising age gaps to the point of throwing shade at people in relationships with age gaps is not healthy you know.”
Alternative: “Only four types of people would say that: someone who is ageist, someone who is butt hurt that they can’t date a person who is older/younger than themselves (so somebody who fetishises age gaps); someone who is afraid that their partner will leave them for someone younger/older i.e. someone who is dating someone who fetishises age gaps; and finally, someone who is trying to impress somebody who is all of the former and latter. Which one are you?”
Alternative II: “The only thing wrong is you creeping on my relationship, keep your ageism to yourself.”
“You’re a stay-at-home dad, is that not emasculating?”
“Why would choosing to raise children, the lifeblood of the entire human race, the very people who will define tomorrow, define the future, be emasculating?”
Alternative: “Tell me one other thing that any of us can create that is greater than a child, and then tell me one other thing that is greater than helping to raise that child? Then ask me again if it is emasculating.”
“You’re a stay-at-home mom, so basically you’re lazy.”
“Clearly, you don’t have children/ Clearly you’re not the one primarily looking after your children.”
Alternative: “There is a reason so many shirk parenthood, and it ain’t because it is easy.”
Alternative II: “Tell me how raising children is not the most important job in the world, and if you can provide me with a compelling answer, you can call me lazy.”
“Your wife earns more money than you, that must suck.”
“Definitely, you’ve no idea how difficult it is having access to more money than you otherwise would.”
“You’re in an open relationship, so you mustn’t love each other, right?”
“No, just we love and trust each other enough to be able to know that sex does not define our love for each other. I’m guessing you and your partner are not in the same place?”
“You’re not in an open relationship, you must be one of those conservative types, right?”
“No, I just prefer having sex with just one person. Guessing you must be one of those judgemental types though, right?”
“You’re such a snowflake.”
“Thanks for the compliment, they really are beautiful things snowflakes.”
“You need to be more woke.”
“You mean more awake. If you want to insult me at least learn to use correct English.”
“You need to be less woke.”
“Why would I want to walk around being half asleep?”
“You’re a coward.”
“If being smart enough not to do something stupid makes me a coward, then you are correct.”
“You’re a loser.”
“As I’m having a discussion with you, clearly you are correct.”
“You’re a dirty slut.”
“Why would you imply that acting like a man is dirty? You need to quit with the man-hating. It’s a bad look.”
Alternative: “I know, bet you wish I was that way with you.”
“You’re clearly a virgin.”
“I know, it’s my claim to fame. Glad you were able to acknowledge it.”
Final words
Remember that these are just for fun, and if you are looking to de-escalate a situation, rumour has it that the responses in this post may not aid you in that endeavour. But rumour also has it that they may certainly make you feel a great sense of joy upon delivery.
I offer no comment on the validity of either of these rumours.
That’s all from me. Thanks for reading!
If you enjoyed this post, you may also enjoy the following:
Six Psychological Reasons Why The Majority Of Modern Relationships Fail
Twenty-Two Hilariously Bad Jokes That Will Make You Smile
The Ten Craziest And Most Death-Defying Stage Acts Of All Time
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