DICE FICTION | HOW TO DIE HAPPY
Dust Off Your Dice — It’s Random Fiction Time
Do you want to play a game? Doctor Funny June 2023 Writing Prompt
In every heart lies an artichoke of discontent. In every spleen, the chia seeds of redemption. — Steven King, or possibly Confucius
Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier) asked me to write the June 2023 Doctor Funny Prompt o’ the Month. My response was an enthusiastic shouting of:
Would I? Are bears Catholic?
[Burg silently stares, before noticing me wearing his spare pajamas.]
Would I like to write the prompt? Does the Pope poop in the woods?
He politely asked me to leave his home and never return to Portugal without a legal passport. After losing all credibility with the good doctor, Adam Robinson published this story anyway. Kristine Laco and Philip Ogley may never forgive him.
Stop whatever you are doing and find a six-sided dice
Leave the Medium tab open while you hunt for dice.
Now that you have the dice — Wait, why are you empty-handed? Go back and get the dice.
Now that you have the dice. — Seriously, you are trying my patience. Get the bloody dice! I don’t care if we ever play Monopoly again. Uncle Pennybags can afford to replace a stolen pair.
Assuming you NOW have dice.
Roll the dice three times
Or three dice one time. Or one one-and-a-half dice 6/3rds of a time.
If my directions were followed correctly, you have three random numbers between 1 and 6. These are your magic numbers. Write them somewhere significant and permanent so you are not tempted to change them later.
Rolled your dice? If not, STOP reading until you do
Random Funny Fiction Generation
Now that you have your three magic numbers carved into livestock or tattooed above your left bum cheek, we will let the fates decide your Junebug funny fiction prompt.
The first number determines the main character.
The second number is the inciting incident.
The third is the crisis or climax of the story.
Main Character
- A faithful but flatulent service animal…
- A Roman centurion with horrible acne and terrible memory…
- Abraham Lincoln — NASCAR Driver…
- A wizard that gains his powers from dad jokes…
- Baby Loan Shark — doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo…
- A former child prodigy that never amounted to all the hype…
Incident
- … is tricked inside a stolen time machine…
- … meets Mr./Mrs. Wrong on FarmersOnly.com…
- … is kidnapped from the Taylor Swift concert because of a mistaken identity…
- …is attacked by space aliens who melted off the [main character’s] right arm with a death ray, and when [main character] arrives at the hospital, the doctors are all out of prosthetic replacement limbs. The hospital staff reluctantly agreed to replace the missing arm with anything sold on Amazon — except prosthetic limbs…
- … is granted three wishes from a grossly incompetent genie…
- …saves their frienemy from a burning warehouse…
Crisis or Climax
- …releases a swarm of self-aware murder hornets trained to attack douche-pipe billionaires.
- …uses blackmail to win the Great British Baking Show.
- …is stuck in an elevator with [author’s choice] for eleven painful hours.
- …impregnates the queen.
- …successfully clones themselves, but the clone escapes.
- …lies their way into an extremely hazardous job.
Example: My magic number is 6–2–4
A former child prodigy that never amounted to all the hype meets Mr./Mrs. Wrong on FarmersOnly.com and impregnates the queen. ¹
Write that story in whatever type of fiction you prefer
As long as it’s funny — or is intended to be humorous. I won’t hold it against you if your writing isn’t bust-your-stepmom’s-tummy-tuck-stitches funny. Mine never is.
How to Play
- Use the dice roll to select a Main Character, Incident, Crisis, or Climax from the list.
- Write a humourous fiction story with words — preferably coherent.
- Include a picture of your dice roll or evidence of your magic numbers. ²
- Use DICE FICTION in the Kicker before your usual tomfoolery.
- Tag Mark Suroviec, M.Ed., with a box link to this prompt AND at least one other Dice Fiction story from another Doctor Funny writer.
- Are you feeling especially creative? There are 216 possible combinations of dice rolls. You may submit more than one entry to win the grand prize. ³
Footnotes:
¹ Think of all the creative possibilities. What makes Mr./Mrs. Wrong, so unappealing? How will the king react to the unexpected pregnancy? Why is the queen on FarmersOnly? What is the thread count of the sheets in Buckingham Palace?
²Included because Smillew Rahcuef is known to lie.
³ There are no prizes.
More from Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. — who prefers to refer to himself in the third person.
From my favorite writer [not named Raine Lore]. It’s Sriniiiiii.
Get your contraceptive devices ready, cos it’s about to be raining men like Patrick Eades.
New to Medium? Want to read stories by authors with immensely more talent than me? Join Medium here, and I will reluctantly return the items I stole from Burg’s guest room.
