Dude, Keep Your Penis Off the Page
Advice From An Editor
I am a writer, but I’m also an editor.
I’ve worked with beginning writers and accomplished writers, and every kind of writer in between, on projects ranging from 500-word humor pieces to 500 page novels.
I began my editing career by editing a series of women’s humor collections, which means that all of my clients were women. I eventually branched out and now I edit writers of all genders.
One big difference between men and women when it comes to writing?
Men like to include penises in their prose. References, mentions, and scads of word play referring to dick and cocks and schlongs.
Women? Not so much. Sure, a woman might include a pussy reference or a vagina remark in a story. But it’s occasional.
With men?
It’s constant.
Not all men, of course. But a lot of them.
Which means that editing their work includes the task of pruning the cocks and the schlongs and the dongs. You don’t want to get rid of them entirely. A good dick joke can be pretty damn funny.
But the not-so-funny ones? Out they go!
Not because writing about cocks is offensive. Because it’s boring.
Dude — I get that you find your penis fascinating.
But? (News flash!) You’re the only one who does.
So here’s my editorial advice. Stop overusing references to cocks and dicks and balls. Stop mentioning the male organ to evoke the equivalent of a nervous giggle from your readers.
Writing about dicks is not evil.
Hey, I’ve done it myself.
But? I’ve only done it once.
The rest of my writing, like that of most women, is refreshingly free of references to our lady parts or your family jewels.
One reason why the song WAP is so damn popular? Besides the fact that Cardi B is wildly talented artist who rides the fucking Zeitgeist like a pro?
Men rapping and singing about their dicks are a dime a dozen. But for a woman recording artist to similarly celebrate her vagina? That’s something rare and (dare I say it) exciting!
Guys. The problem isn’t that you’re including one-eyed trouser snakes in your prose. It’s that you’re including too many one-eyed trouser snakes in your prose.
Trust me. Getting rid of most of the references to your purple helmeted warrior of love in that essay will make the references that do remain all the more effective.
If only, instead of Grammarly, there were a service that would trim all the superfluous cocks from otherwise good stories. Prune the penises! Delete the dicks!
Until then? I’m an editor. I can help. Get in touch.
Writing Coach and editor-for-hire Roz Warren, who writes for everyone from the Funny Times to the New York Times, can help you improve and publish your work. Drop her a line at [email protected]. (That’s Ros with an “s,” not a “z.”)