Drowning in Myself
How depersonalization & derealization feel like — A poem
Suddenly I’m tired, so tired. My body is shutting down, slumps on the bed. Feels heavy and crushed from the world, weak limbs curled up, protectively.
My existence stops, takes a break. I’m freezing into a state of nothingness. Paralysis is setting in, until I’m unable to move at all.
Now I’m trapped inside of me. A numbness is dimming my emotions, but tears are streaming down my face. I feel their wetness, dead eyes staring ahead.
Where I am, I know. But not why. Is this real, or just a weird version of abyss? And who am I, seriously? I cannot be sure. Am I even existing? Where is proof?
Confusion lets mean voices seeping through. You are nothing, they whisper. Hopeless. An imposter in your own life. An illusion at best. First all this pain, then everyone will be a ghost.
My inner saboteurs are drowning me, slowly. Deep black hole sucks me in, edges disappear. Panic is rising, and I want to break out. But I’m petrified, a statue, can’t lift my head.
Tongue heavy, lips sealed, I want to scream. I’m not able to utter the tiniest, softest sound. I attempt an inner monologue, stubborn mantras louder than my negative self.
So I lay here, trapped, and wait. You appear in my vision, grab my hand. You ask me to give a signal, that I’m still there. I clasp your finger. My eyes blink.
Author’s note: This poem was written after my latest bout of depersonalization and derealization, which belong to dissociation disorders. It’s a frightening experience where you and / or your environment don’t feel real anymore. Both can accompany mental health issues like anxiety and depression.
