THE DOCTOR IS IN
Dr. Laco Answers Your New Year’s Medical Questions
You’ve got questions, I have answers
I am Dr. Laco. Haven’t we met before? Right. How’s that prick piercing coming along?
Doc Michael is retired and calling himself Baltazar while quoting the weather in centigrade. This makes his advice unreliable. At Doctor Funny, we’ve had a shitton of medical questions come in from our readers, so...
Dr. Laco to the rescue, again!
My expertise is widely spoken of and you should never take expert advice for free, so remember to tip your doctor with the handy links I’ve provided. As always, the names are disguised so you too can learn from their experiences without fear of humiliation.
Sharing is caring.
Dr. Laco, I was taking down the Christmas tree and the pine needles kept leaping into my penis. Now I no longer smell like Christmas and haven’t been able to pee for a week. Unrelated, the whites of my eyes are yellow. I’m like Rudolh, red tip and I got no P. Signed, P-Less
P-Less. Can I call you Needle Dick?
Needle Dick, Have you tried giving yourself a blow-job? Dumb question, I know you have. I mean since the Christmas tree tried to become one with your urethra? I suggest you blow the poison out. If that doesn’t work, enjoy your enlargement and buy bigger sweats.
Dr. Laco, I ate the leftover turkey I found in the pile left by a raccoon in my yard. If it’s good enough for the raccoon, it’s good enough for me, I always say. Then I started to feel queasy. I’ve been shitting out of every possible orifice since. I didn’t know I could shit from my tear ducts, so that was a fun surprise. Unrelated, [redacted]. Send help and toilet paper. Signed, Turshitten
Turshitten, There are many items we need to address here. 1. Don’t eat anything a raccoon has touched, including your penis (the redacted part of the letter was far too graphic for our readership — you’re welcome). 2. You have poisoned yourself. 3. Find a quiet corner to type out your regrets and a ‘you were right’ letter to your mother. 4. You’re gonna need a new catchphrase for your tombstone. 5. You owe me 5 times the tip and you need to do it before it’s too late.
Dr. Laco, On New Year's Eve, I tried something new — anal. Normally I put the fireworks in a bucket of sand, but I’d heard so much about anal being great that I thought What the Hell. My friend, Ann, told me it burned for her the first time so I expected as much, but I think maybe I got the instructions wrong. Any thoughts? Signed, Hot Ass
H.A., Your initials say it all. Also, can you enclose a photo or video next time? You know, for analysis, not at all for my TikTok channel. Oh, and you’re fire fucked. Invest in Vaseline.
Dr. Laco, I got a sunburn while on vacation. What can I do? Signed, Hot & Bothered
H&B, It was on your dick, wasn’t it?
Dr. Laco, How’d you know? Signed, Still Hot & Bothered
H&B, Just a hunch. I’d say to moisturize, but I suspect you’re doing that already.
Dr. Laco, How’d you know? Signed, Still Hot & Bothered, but now really Slippery
Hot & BS, Next time, don’t include a photo or video unless I ask for it. My only advice is to find a new doctor — maybe someone who specializes in sexual dysfunction and puts little raspberry hats on tiny objects.
I hear Dr. Jennifer McDougall is accepting patients.
Dr. Laco, My areolas are itchy. I thought it might have been caused by the detergent I was using, but then I remembered being titty fucked behind the Piggly Wiggly and wonder if they could be related. Signed, Itchy Titty
Titty, Thanks for the images you provided but I really only needed a picture of your rash. I’m returning the selfie you took at the Piggly Wiggly with your infector leaving his deposit on your chest. And, yes, I think you could do better.
You have scabies. Yes, that means you have bugs. Yes, you should put the cream on yourself using your hands. Using a guy’s dick to rub it on your chest while he titty fucks you is, in fact, a bad idea. And yes, you should tell all the people who titty fuck you to wear a condom. Or, and I’m gonna say this as kindly as I can, STOP TITTY FUCKING RANDOS AT THE PW!
That is your doctor speaking.
Well, folks, that’s all I have time for today. Truthfully, my patients are my inspiration — for my medical memoir entitled AT LEAST YOU’RE NOT THIS GUY.
As before, if you have a question unrelated to those above, drop me a line in the comments and I’ll get to them next time when…
The Doctor Is In
Want more of me? I don’t blame you. Become a member with this link! Only $5/month inspires a writer to write another day and prevents them from inserting you into a scene behind Piggly Wiggly.
Thanks, Uvebruce Oscar Rhea CJ Sterling Mark Suroviec, M.Ed. Carlo Zeno for submitting your questions. Your secrets are safe with me.
