THE DOCTOR IS IN

Dr. Laco Answers Your Medical Questions

You’ve got questions, I have answers

I am Dr. Laco, and I am here to provide my expert advice. You see, the “Real” Doc is planning a big move, and his clown-sized shoes for his tiny little feet have got to be restuffed and repurposed.

Dr. Laco to the rescue!

I’ve culled some of the recent questions asked of our doctor team and provided professional and personal advice. The names are disguised so you too can learn from their experiences.

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Pro Tip — payment can be made at the bottom of each response to the burning questions. Speaking of burning…

Dr. Laco, When I’m enjoying my own company, the shaft of my penis burns. I’m using lotion, but I just can’t make it go away. Please help. Signed, Hot Dick

Ah, HD, I get this question a lot. It’s always one of two things. 1. Your wife added hot sauce to your jar of spank lube. 2. You were eating Flaming Hot Doritos before you participated in your self-love. Good luck and maybe lay off the spicy meat until you heal.

Dr. Laco, When I was enjoying the company of the rando I found lurking outside the meth clinic, I found my back itchy as hell. Rando said his knees were itchy. That’s hysterical because he didn’t have any knees being an amputee and all. So WTF? Send help. Signed, Skank

Skank, there are many items we need to address here, but your tip only covers the itch. You have poison ivy, moron. Watch where you lay your skank self.

Dr. Laco, I don’t have any sex questions, so I hope you can still help. My wife’s clambake is noticeably sloppier since our children were born. What should I add to the chowder to thicken it? Oh, clambake=vagina in case you hadn’t deduced that. I’m not looking for actual advice on cooking because I know you add cornstarch to thicken chowder but I tried that on my penis and my wife started crying. So that isn’t the answer. Flour maybe? Anyway, hoping you can help. Signed, Chowder Hound

Hound, Are you sure you just didn’t get smaller?

Dr. Laco, Wow. So many dumb questions. I’ll throw you a changeup. I pierced my penis with an awl, and now it is red and swollen, not in a good way. My pants don’t fit the same and I’m starting to see stars, but not the Kim Kardashian type, more the ‘go to the white light’ type. Is this normal? Signed, Testy Trouble

Testy, An awl? Really? You couldn’t find something larger or less hygienic? Maybe a bar from the gym, or a shiv fashioned from a subway handrail? Jesus. My advice requires amputation with the mini saw from a Swiss Army knife and a long nap. Remember, you can’t cure stupid. Good luck.

Dr. Laco, My boobs are different sizes, is this normal? Signed, Chesty Trouble

Chesty, Finally a normal question! It is perfectly normal to have asymmetrical breasts. If it has happened all of a sudden, you should contact your doctor for a mammogram.

Dr. Laco, Follow-up question, should I contact the surgeon who put them in? I asked for DDD, but one is clearly a DD!

Chesty, get away from the mirror and pay my fee. Stop asking stupid questions or I’ll have to charge double the price. That’s the DD rate.

Well folks, that’s all we have time for today. If you have a question unrelated to those above, drop me a line in the comments and I’ll get to them next time when…

The Doctor Is In

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