Disability | Culture | Discrimination

Don’t Worry, You Don’t Look Autistic!

Please Stop Saying Things Like This

There are a few unchanging aspects of your identity, things like your skin color, orientation, or gender, that cause you to be treated differently. Often, they wind up singling you out to the crowd, marking you as the one who doesn’t fit in.

They define the mere fact of your existence as a political issue for other people to debate about. As if, if they talk about it enough and convince enough people, they can decide that you don’t deserve to live a normal happy life.

These pieces of you mean that you don’t get the luxury of avoiding politics, or not paying attention to current events.

They mean that you’re in danger, not because of anything you have done, but because of who you are.

I occasionally talk about autism spectrum disorder and a few political issues surrounding it. And today, I got to thinking about how being autistic has affected my daily life. It brought to mind the response I often get when people first find out about my diagnosis.

“You’re autistic? Wow, you don’t look autistic at all!”

Sometimes I get, “Don’t worry, I wouldn’t have guessed if you didn’t tell me.” Often with a big smile and a nod, as if I’ve achieved something by passing as a neurotypical person in public.

Often, this is said in what I suppose is meant to be a reassuring or encouraging manner. The first time it was said to me, I had to pick my jaw up off of the floor. The second time, I had to hold myself back from picking a fight.

What does an autistic person look like? And further, why is not looking autistic supposed to be a compliment?

See, statements like this are a slap in the face.

When you tell people they don’t look autistic, praise the fact that they don’t act gay, bi, or trans, or you claim that you ‘Don’t see color’, you are acknowledging that those attributes and traits are stigmatized.

You are saying that you think being born with certain traits is bad.

You are saying to them that not being, looking, or acting like whatever the identity is would be preferable. Virtuous, even. It would be beneficial if they just pretended to be one of the ‘default’ humans as much as possible.

You acknowledge the stigma and then elevate us above it. Basically, you’re pointing at the negative stereotypes you have in your head and saying, “Don’t worry, I don’t see YOU like that!”

Because I’m one of the good ones, right? I make eye contact because I was trained to mask. I have volume control because I practiced. I don’t have obvious meltdowns, and my overload is quiet. I don’t tend to flap my hands.

So what?

Seriously, so what? That doesn’t make me more human than other autistic people. It doesn’t make them less human than me.

What it does is make me less off-putting to you. It makes me look like a ‘normal’ person.

Except, I am normal.

I behave like a normal autistic person.

Every autistic person I’ve ever met behaves like a normal autistic person. We just behave a little differently than neurotypicals because we aren’t neurotypical.

If you put a cat in a room full of dogs, do you think there’s something wrong with the cat if it doesn’t adopt canine behavior? Certainly not, that would be ridiculous.

So why would you expect us to change our entire way of thinking, feeling, and interacting with the world just to fit in with you? Do you think we can just switch our brains on and off like a lightbulb?

No two autistic people look the same. You can’t tell if a person is autistic by looking at us, and it isn’t a compliment to assure us you couldn’t tell. There is nothing shameful about being autistic, it’s just a part of how our minds work and how we see the world.

It’s just how we were born. I’m autistic in the same way that I’m asexual, in the same way, that I have brown hair and heterochromia. I was born this way, I didn’t get a choice, and I simply have to adapt to the world as it exists.

Please stop trying to act like there’s something wrong with us. Please stop trying to comfort us over something that we wouldn’t even know was a problem except that you guys won’t ever let us forget we’re not ‘normal’ in your eyes.

If someone tells you they’re autistic, the correct response is a simple and respectful, “Okay.”

Don’t try to encourage them, patronize them, or treat them like a child. I see that so, so often- people assume we aren’t on the same level of intelligence or maturity as they are because of our disorder. They do the same thing with people in wheelchairs, or who use braces and crutches to walk.

If you have a disability, chances are good that you’ve come across someone who treats you like a helpless little kid who needs constant encouragement and celebration of every little thing you do.

It hurts, doesn’t it?

This is why neurodivergent people mask. We put on a false face and mimic the behavior and mannerisms of the people around us like a chameleon, trying desperately not to be noticed for what we are.

Because some people treat you differently when they find out. As if the person they knew before has disappeared, and they’re talking to a stranger.

And that creates a whole host of new problems because masking isn’t good for our mental health. Neurotypical people get to hear ‘just be yourself’ their entire lives, but we get ‘don’t be yourself, yourself is weird, be somebody else instead’.

Imagine your entire social experience being one never-ending acting role that you have to keep up at all times. All day at school, all day at work. You get home and get to take off the mask for the first time and give yourself a break, but your friends want to go out and have fun.

You don’t have the energy. Your friends think you’re blowing them off. Sometimes it’s easier just to not have friends so you don’t feel like you’re disappointing somebody.

Now, I’ve had time to come to grips with who I am. At this point in my life, I’m not shy about telling people early on that I’m autistic and making it clear that I have boundaries.

Being blunt and unapologetic about it has helped a lot.

I don’t waste my energy pretending anymore. I’m not going to sacrifice my mental health trying to make everybody else feel more comfortable around me.

If you don’t like me for me, buzz off. I don’t want you around me anyway.

I’m not bending over backward to accommodate you when you won’t even give me the bare minimum of tolerance. Been there, done that, got the two years of burnout, depression, and anxiety.

I’d strongly encourage all of my neurodivergent friends out there to do the same. Kicking toxic people to the curb is the most liberating feeling there is.

Cultivate a friend group that understands your needs and won’t take it personally if you need space. Find people who get you, accept you, and who are willing to make an effort to not make you uncomfortable.

I found my people. I hope you can, too.

Solidarity wins.

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