Don’t Treat Others Like You Want to Be Treated

Let’s consider another perspective

I remember this week I was drinking coffee on a rainy morning. Just staring out the window a bit — specifically at the side of my backyard. I got a little lost in the rain tapping against the window. Sometimes, it’s hypnotic, that sound. I can completely lose myself in it.

During this ‘staring session’, the saying “treat others how you want to be treated” suddenly came to mind. I came across it somewhere on Medium this week, and it stuck with me. I actually have a whole different perspective on it. Not only that, but I’d even like to challenge it.

Isn’t it better to STOP treating others like we want to be treated?

It sounds like wise advice at first glance, doesn’t it? Also, ‘everyone’ seems to say it. We all want to be accepted and respected. It makes sense that we should also give that to the people around us. Yet, doubt sets in when I think about it longer. Doesn’t this advice mean that we impose our own norms and values on others?

Suppose I would love to receive compliments and pats on the back every day. Do I have to constantly hand them out to everyone I meet? Even if they don’t need it at all? It doesn’t feel sincere, but more like I’m imposing my expectations.

Or take someone who is bursting with energy every morning and exchanges high-fives with everyone. Should I just act with the same enthusiasm and exuberance because he/she wants to be treated that way? While I’m still tired and barely talk in the morning?

How well does another’s shoe size match?

We are all unique and have our own personalities and needs. One person is extrovert and thrives on company, the other needs a lot of alone time to relax. I like deep, meaningful conversations, you especially want to laugh carefree with friends. Who decides whose standard applies here?

Perhaps it is better to tune in to the other person without expectations. What if I would observe whether you need a listening ear, a cheerful note, or a calm presence? This way I at least don’t have to impose my own standards on you. I give you what you need at this moment, from an open and understanding perspective.

When I think about it this way — yes, that feels better. More space for everyone’s individuality. Yet a new insecurity creeps into my thoughts… Suppose you feel comfortable with negative or hurtful behavior. Should I adapt if you like to gossip or subtly bully others? Or if you feel safe with manipulation and lies?

Where do we draw the line?

An old friend of mine used to be in a destructive relationship. Let’s call her Anna. Her boyfriend was jealous, controlling, and moody. But Anna justified his behavior — time and time again. She wanted to ‘understand’ him, and empathize with his perspective. Out of fear of losing him, she tolerated increasingly extreme outbursts, at the expense of herself.

Where was the limit for Anna? When should she have said ‘no’? It’s so deceptive how we can slowly push ourselves beyond our limits in our attempt to embrace the other. Little by little, we get used to it, and our inner sense of what we believe is right and wrong disappears from view.

It makes me think of something Krishnamurti once said:

“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”

We don’t need to deny ourselves to please others. It is precisely from our own strength and knowing who we are that we can support the other without crossing boundaries.

But how do we determine what is ‘healthy’ and what is ‘sick’ in relationships?

That line seems to be different for each person. Yet, I believe we all have an ‘inner compass’: our gut, or perhaps call it ‘Intuition’. A little voice that indicates when we are going too far and losing ourselves. It takes courage and honesty with ourselves to listen to it, and it’s not easy to hear it whispering when our Ego keeps shouting.

When you listen closely, you’ll probably hear it saying that you should remain true to your own values and have the courage to stand up when those values are violated. Only then we can truly open up to others without losing ourselves. That, to me, is the core of healthy relationships where mutual respect is central.

Sometimes I think, “How difficult is it to approach each other from a place of freedom and self-respect?” Because then, our own standards never need to be imposed. We welcome the other with the realization that we are all unique — and that’s okay. But, looking around me, this seems to be a very difficult thing.

Why do we struggle with this so much?

This reminds me of the human tendency to control and dominate. We want to kind of ‘tame’ the unpredictability of life by imposing rules and structures, and the same applies to relationships. We create expectations of how others should behave based on our own (or better said — our Ego’s) needs and fears, and become frustrated or angry when that image doesn’t align.

But thinking back to the rain I watched when I was drinking my coffee on that particular morning: just as the rain doesn’t care about direction and rules, so too, actually, is the human mind free. It’s unpredictable, surprising, and sometimes even shocking. Can’t we welcome that freedom instead? Instead of condemning what falls outside our expectations?

I wonder if the key lies in letting go of ‘control’. Man, control is a philosophical concept on its own. But I mean more like accepting that we can never fully understand or manage others. Accepting that we make mistakes, disappoint, hurt — it’s inevitable. But also, that there are endless opportunities for new connections if we remain open.

Accepting the unpredictability of relationships

Maybe we should accept the unpredictability of relationships, just like the unpredictable weather. Sometimes it’s calm, sometimes it’s stormy. Weather forecasts can be wrong, but a new day always comes, right? Oh, wait. Not entirely true.

One thing is true, though: we, humans, are incomprehensible and full of contradictions. Always in motion. When we truly approach each other with an open mind, there’s infinite room for new connections. Despite and thanks to our human ‘imperfections’.

What do you think?

How can we look at each other more from a standpoint of freedom and trust, rather than rules and judgments? I’m curious about your perspective on this.

Ultimately, we may not be meant to conceptualize how to “properly” interact with each other. Every person and every moment is unique. What I need today may be different tomorrow. Let’s open up, without expectations. Try to sense what each contact requires, looking deeper than our own perspective. Then we don’t have to impose our standards on anyone. We give what the moment needs — from an open heart and view. This is how true connection grows, always new.