Psychology/Mental Health

Don’t Let Dialectical Messages Give You Decision Paralysis

The Top 5 Messages That Confuse Us

One of the things most people miss teaching kids at a young age is that during your life you will be taught specific behaviors can be both good and bad. We’re taught a lot about what is good and what is bad, but nobody ever seems to explain that, inherently, behaviors are not good or bad. The circumstances and social climate determine the value of the outcome.

That’s what a dialectical message encompasses:

It’s a message that states something is good AND bad. It says chewing gum in an interview is a bad idea but chewing gum to refrain from smoking may be a great idea. Thus, chewing gum is neither good nor bad. It is wholly dependent on the situation.

Most behaviors have the same dialectical value although they seem so etched in stone. Growing up we’re often taught certain behaviors are valued as bad or good. However, as you grow older, you find out that many of those things you thought were so definitive are actually very provisional.

Many times, societal changes determine whether a behavior is good or bad. For example, I know deep down in my heart that slavery is bad. I don’t feel like anyone should be a slave. I think many people would agree with that statement.

However, until Abraham Lincoln became president it was not seen as a bad thing in this country. Though I can’t even contemplate or imagine feeling okay about that behavior, MANY people in our country thought it was “good.” I believe many people thought they were providing a decent life to slaves at the same time they were able to make money from whatever production the slaves generated. Yuck.

Why do we have these messages? Why aren’t things inherently good or bad? Why do they have an opposite? Well, depending on who you ask and what their belief system is, it varies.

One of the prevalent thoughts is that nobody can understand the good without the bad. For example, in Buddhist homes, they teach kids at a very young age about impermanence. They teach them about death. It’s not because they want their kids to be scared.

They actually want them to understand nothing lasts forever which then, if done correctly, helps them to fully understand the preciousness of life. The belief is that if you don’t understand the full meaning of the opposite event or behavior, you won’t appreciate the full meaning of what that specific behavior is all about.

Another thought is that the universe or God, wants you to find balance. Zealots and people who go too far one way or the other often find themselves displeased, particularly when they put those expectations on others as well. Marrying any thought or belief and not being able to change it based on experience, studies, and research can be detrimental.

Now that you understand what a dialectical message is, I thought it would be good to review the top five messages people seem to have the most trouble processing. I hear these in sessions often and imagine it’s not just clients coming to me who struggle with these ideas but people in general.

Pride

“Pride cometh before a fall.” It’s so true. I wrote an article on how pride is the most deadly sin of Dante’s seven sins. My viewpoint is that pride is the catalyst for all the other sins. I still believe it.

However, have you ever heard, “Have a little pride”? Or complaints about people not having pride in their work or deeds? Don’t we grow up being told not to be prideful yet also being told to have pride in ourselves and our achievements? The answer is yes, the dialectical message is loud and clear. So which is it? I say both.

Pride is only problematic and becomes a sin when it prevents us from growing as humans and solving problems. It is when we choose not to do the ‘right’ thing and choose to ‘save face.’

Pride in what we do to achieve goals and pride in others is not bad. It only becomes bad if we begin to have bad thoughts of others because of the primary thought. For example, if I work hard to win a race, I should feel proud of myself. If I start acting like I’m a big deal and better than others because of it, then treat other people terribly, now it’s a problem.

I Don’t Care What Anyone Thinks

Most of the time people say this, it’s not true. Usually, if we really don’t care about what other people think we don’t have to announce it. When people announce they don’t care about others’ thoughts it’s usually stated in anger or annoyance which means they do care. If the event is evoking emotion, then there’s a level of care.

Is it good to not care what anyone thinks? It depends on what you’re doing and who you’re talking about.

On the surface, we definitely should care about what people we love think. It does hurt our pride when they don’t agree with us but as long as we’re still allowed to make our own choices, it’s a time of growth. It’s a time when we should be taking all the information we get from the people we respect and love and make the decision that’s right for us.

I have seen people who are completely paralyzed by indecision because they care so much about what other people think about everything. Conversely, I have seen people who are so narcissistic that they lack the ability to care what other people think. Being on either side causes its own miseries.

Asking yourself what you believe based on the information you obtain from people who are knowledgeable or who care for you is what becomes key. You can’t please everyone and you can’t own how others feel about your decisions. People who love you will support whatever decision you make and allow you to make mistakes without saying, “I told you so.”

I’m Not Changing

This has always been such a funny one to me because let’s face it, change is inevitable. You can tell me you’re not changing but if I ask you if you’re the same person as you were five years ago, one year ago, or five days ago, I hope the answer is no.

Our life experiences and even our daily routines teach us things at all times, even without us knowing. Learning how to do things better or more efficiently occurs daily. We just don’t feel it unless it’s a semi-huge or traumatic event.

I understand what people are saying when they say, “I’m not changing.” Usually, they mean they don’t want to change their core beliefs and values. I respect that but even those can change in life based on what we experience. We just don’t know if it will happen.

People who refuse to come to therapy because they think we’re there to “change” them are generally scared and/or prideful, and fairly ignorant about what therapy is really about.

It reminds me of hearing some of my female friends tell me they didn’t want to work out at a gym because they didn’t want to look “manly” like some women bodybuilders. I used to laugh because it seemed so crazy that they didn’t understand very few women chose that route and if they didn’t want it, it wouldn’t happen just from working out. They choose to forego something that’s actually very good for them in fear of something that they have control over and happens very rarely.

So, should we want to change? I hope so but I hope some things stay semi-permanent. I hope we all work towards being better humans every day but also accept others as they are without negative judgment. Everyone has to walk their own paths in life.

Respect Authority

Depending on what type of upbringing you had, you were either raised to ask questions or raised to never question “authority.” The thing is, what is the definition of ‘authority?’ And where did this idea that questions are bad come from? I call it “blind obedience.”

There are many cultures and religions that teach blind obedience. They say it’s a sign of respect. My article regarding blind obedience explains the difference between the two.

I have had many teenagers and young adults come into my office and complain about older people expecting blind obedience just because they are “authority” figures. Their complaints were not because they were being disrespectful but because the authority figures were being disrespectful.

The belief that adults get to be disrespectful to the younger generations is becoming outdated. I would encourage adults to understand how much their actions are speaking louder than their words.

I also urge adults to realize everyone under 26 has a developing brain and the last thing to form is the decision-making frontal lobe. This is why car rental companies won’t rent a car to anyone under 25 years old.

Our responsibility to role model actions, attitudes, patience, and understanding during this vital time of a young adult’s development is extremely important.

I think everyone understands nonverbal communication is stronger than verbal communication. If not, here’s an article for you to read:

If we want young people to respect authority, then we have to SHOW them how it’s done.

So, do we need to respect authority? We should respect everyone until we can’t. I know that’s a vague answer and I’m not going to go into the times we can’t, but I would say there are times when respect is not getting us to our goal. I would be cautious though and make every attempt to stay respectful of all people.

Love Doesn’t Hurt

Love very much hurts. Not in an abusive way. Love shouldn’t hurt through emotional or physical abuse. That’s definitely not love; however, I believe it can hurt very much. Mostly, if that person or animal that brings out the love in us is hurt or taken from us. If it didn’t hurt, I’m not sure it would be love. How it hurts is what should be taken into consideration.

I remember watching Love Story long ago and questioning the most famous line from the movie, “Love is never having to say sorry.” To me, that’s completely wrong. Love is being able to say sorry because the last thing we want to do is hurt the ones we love, however, we do it without meaning to and it’s okay to say sorry.

Most of the time, I would hope people are in relationships where they are not hurt and find an abundance of happiness and joy. I hope they are with people who make them feel like they can move the moon. I hope they say sorry, and thank you, and show gratitude for what should be their strongest support systems.

If you do have one or many of these people in your life then you know, if they get hurt by you or someone else, it hurts. If they are taken away from you, it hurts. It only hurts so much because of the depth of the love.

Knowing that love has the ability to hurt so much, I have clients who stray from it. They make a choice not to get close to others to not endure heartbreak. What people are missing who make this choice is the beauty and depth of a loving relationship. Without the possibility of pain and hurt, we can’t experience the fullness of joy and happiness.

So, does love hurt? Yes and no. It does both.

There are many more messages in our lives that we will come across that have these dialectical connotations. In my experience, I often find if I become too set on one side, life proves the opposite so it’s best to just accept circumstances dictate the value.

I hope this is helpful to those of you with decision paralysis. It’s okay to make mistakes in life. It’s okay to make a choice you want to make and learn from it or have it be successful. Use the information you have from your experiences and knowledge and the information others give you to make the best choice for yourself.

Thank you for taking the time to read my article. I wish you all peaceful minds. Namaste.